Saturday, 2 February 2013

Well I've made it this far!!

Well today hasn't been that bad so far.. had a real pleasant time with my Sis filling out all the relevant paper work and form's for life insurance, pension etc. the hardest one to fill in was from the Gov... pissed me off no end all the questions they asked.. believe it or not you feckers!!! we both were actually born here, lived here and worked here all our lives.. jeez you made me feel like a bloody criminal!!
Got out of the house today and went for a spin in my loan car, its a 1962 Ford. Yup the same one that reduced me to tears yesterday because Hayley never got the chance to take it for a blast... well I took it around to see its owner and grabbed a coffee with him, his partner and one of his daughter's.. nice little break. But shit on the way back home it must have been national couple's walking hand in hand day.. every where I looked were couple's.. now it is probably always like this on a Sat afternoon but just like everything else you don't notice these things until for some reason your circumstances change like mine has.. was in flood's of tears before I was halfway home... soppy shit i am..
back home and it was clean the rabbit's out time, again this had me in floods of tears because it was something we often used to do together, one would clean and the other would follow with the new bedding...
Now I'm sitting here on the computer trying to occupy my mind, on a normal Sat i would be heading about now into town to "rescue" Hayley from work, it used to feel like a chore sometimes but if I didn't help shut the shop she would have been trapped behind the counter until way past closing time. i would give anything to be trundling across town on my rescue mission right now!!
Planning on going out to visit my Brother this evening, hoping i feel upto it, not so sure at the moment!!
God this is so much harder than I ever could have imagined, maybe I am not as strong as i thought I was? maybe I'm being hard on myself? I guess there isn't a manual to this process and each of us is different.. but it is just so hard going from a 49 year old part of a couple that had been together for over half your life to a single person again, shit i only had 5 years as a single adult (if you count 16 as adult?) so this whole not having someone around is just so alien to me.. plus we didn't lead separate lives either and in the time we were together I only went abroad on my own 3 times (1 day trip and 2 weekends) and in the last 15 years i had started to go away for 1 weekend in the summer, first to the folk festival Cropreddy and then later to the Hotrod Hayride instead, then for the past 4-5 years I have also gone to the Dragon rally and both these events were only weekends. The company I enjoyed oh so much and was such a huge part of my life is missing never to be felt again, I will keep moving forward if only because I can, something which Hayley had stolen from her.
I WILL survive, I WILL keep moving forward but I know for a fact I will never ever be the person I was before, I can't be because that person was shaped by the relationship I was in and kept that way by the person I was with, I can never have what I had with Hayley again, that is gone like dust in the breeze but i will have my memories, no one and nothing can change that!!

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