Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Two years down..... A letter to Hayley

Christ I sit here 2 years to the day I sat and watched you leave me... that pain as you breathed your last is still with me..... 2 years just does not seem possible....
Well I'm about to embark on the next chapter of my life, March the 12th is the due date of a mini me.. not sure of the sex yet but as long as "it" is healthy I don't really mind. I'm sitting here contemplating this event with excitement as well a nerves... but it still saddens me that you had to go to make this possible. Maybe I think to much, wish I could turn my mind off and just plod on like an automaton sometimes..... They say all things happen for a reason! well if you had to go so this baby could be born that does seem like a hell of a price to pay.... Claire is superb, she is looking after me well and I do have to say I am happy again, but that happiness does not take away the sadness I still feel losing you... god I have never felt so confused in my life, I still feel guilty that I am smiling and enjoying life again when you can't but as Lizzie has constantly reminded me I have the choice to waste my life or try and do great things.. you do not have that choice... and it is true it would be a crime to waste the time I have left... but it is hard..so so hard at times to find the drive to do anything... I keep getting the feeling "what's the point" but the point is I can and should make the most of my life.... I will try missus to make you proud.....
I know Sam, Denise and Maxine miss you greatly, you were a good friend to them, I'm not sure you ever realised just how much you did mean to them. Sam seem's to have accepted my relationship with Claire which I am so pleased about as the Speakmans mean so much to me but I'm sad to say I think Maxine disproves of where I am now, I believe she feels I am moving too fast? How fast is too fast? how long do you wait?  I wasn't looking when I met Claire, I was forging a new life as a single bloke with a Hound, I had plans of travelling to France just me and the mutt.... I can honestly say if Claire had not made that first move I would still be single today, I'm glad she did as she has helped me smile again far quicker than I would have on my own..... Maybe we have moved too fast on this? god only knows that one.... but one thing I have learned from this experience is that there is never "the right time" for anything... you can plan years in advance and it still goes tit's up or you can just pull up anchors and go with the flow and see where the current takes you... we tried the planning thing and see where that got us eh!!!! "maybe next year we will move to France" well that "next year" will now never come for us... so sod everything I'm going with the flow.. positive thoughts and some luck will see me finish the journey hopefully intact and happy.... if not, well what will be will be....
I feel I have aged since you went, I now have aches and pains that affect my daily life, some of them make life difficult.. maybe it is all down to state of mind, the pain is now far greater the lower my spirit is? anyway onwards we must trek....... XXXXXX <3


Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Just sitting here reading back through my post's.. haven't been very consistent with keeping my blog up to date but kept finding writing it down was just letting it all loose again... life rolls slowly forward... I awoke on a morning in Feb with the thoughts in my mind that I can't change anything, I just have to try and accept what has happened and try and get back on my feet and move forward (can't use the term "moving on" as it seems so.... just so wrong!!) that morning turned out to be the start of the Chinese New Year, the year of the Horse... now I'm not religious or superstitious or into any of that stuff but I did kind of take it as a sign that I'm on the right track.....
 I am in a new chapter of my life now, I have found love again..I got invited out for drinks for a work colleagues birthday and the lady that ask me out was testing the water to see how I would react, we just clicked... she knows all about my circumstances, in fact she first remembers meeting me a few day's after Hayley passed away when she delivered a package for her.. some meeting eh?? me red eyed and sobbing my heart out!!!! Once I got back to work I handed out the van key's in the mornings... we must have seen each other but it wasn't until much later that she noticed me and felt the attraction (still can't understand it myself!! at the time I was looking like a small yeti) and the rest as they say is history!!!!!
 This was something I wasn't looking for or expecting. I was fully prepared to spend the rest of my day's single with old Harvey the hound for company. It is strange what life throws at you when you aren't looking!!!! It is so nice to have someone to share your time with though it is not without it's problems... the deeper I fall for Claire the greater the guilt I feel for moving forward.... I didn't plan any of this, not a single thing that has happened in the last 18 month's or so was on my list of things to do/feel/experience... it has all been thrust upon me by whomever or whatever is out there!!!!! I miss Hayley on a daily basis and still love her dearly, this causes conflict with how I feel for Claire as it does not seem right to love 2 people at once...... I so wish life was easier, I still cry at the drop of a hat but the support I am getting is superb.
I do know that I'm not sullying my memories of Hayley by finding love again, if the rolls had been reversed I would have wanted her to meet someone and be happy again asap but still they appear, the dark thoughts...... RIP missus, missing you still XXXXXX

Thursday, 7 November 2013

well he we are now in November, the months are flying past but the pain is not letting up one inch.... having a bad week, the rain and cold are getting to me and the traffic just seems endless.. I know it is all a state of mind but when your mind is in a state that doesn't help much...
I'm really not enjoying the view from this side of the fence.. it's strange to be the one suffering from depression now when I spent oh so many years supporting, encouraging and loving Hayley through hers.. I really wish she could be here to tell me it's going to be all right, something good is round the corner. or just hold my hand.... I have forgotten home many times I sat and worried about how we would cope with our future but always told Hayley it would be fine, even when I didn't believe it to be true.. I never thought I would say this but I miss those day's of worry and would have them back in a heartbeat..
The bloody dark lord is starting to affect my social life as well, I'm meant to be heading to Holland next week for a long weekend of hotrods and beer.. really not sure my head is going to be in the right place.. I hate it, you know you have a problem, you know it's all in the mind but you cannot do a damn thing about it when it grab's hold...
Today all I want to do is sleep, in fact that is pretty much all I want to do 24/7.... sleep with no dreams is the best thing ever... I have just realised that in trying to pull myself through this horror that I have burdened myself with far too many projects, I do not have need/space or funds to do them all but I'm buggered if I can sell any.... just can't make up my mind which should go.. do think about selling the stuff I owned before all this kicked off so that I'm starting with a fresh sheet, but deep down I know that would be a bad move.. so I'm just having to go with the flow and try not to drown!!!!!
Hayley I miss you more and more each day that passes, things that passed unnoticed at the time are coming back to haunt me... you were the most caring, cranky, awkward and beautiful person I have ever known, your passing has left a void in my soul that makes the grand canyon look like a knife cut.... I hope there is an afterlife because the thought of never seeing you again is breaking me into pieces.. RIP my lover, friend and companion XXXXX

Monday, 29 July 2013

wow, nearly a month since I last posted, and straight after another event!! coincidence ?? had a blast of a weekend away at the hayride, one of the best social event's ever again this year.. meeting old and making new friends is good for the soul.. being home and not being able to share the rush,news etc is just not so god, it's so bloody hard... seems i can live in the past far easier than in the present.. give me somewhere full of old bikes and car's and I'm happy.. drop me back into the drudge of work/home/sleep/work/home and I struggle bigtime. Find the effort to go through it all day in, day out is a struggle.. it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.. flying solo is NOT the life I would have chosen and not a life I'm enjoying.. but it isn't that I miss female company just the company of one female... weird shit going on in my head, too young to be single but too old to want to get involved in any sort of relationship... maybe that is just my feelings now? who knows but one thing I do know I miss Hayley more today than I did 4 months ago, the pain is as great now if not greater.. just the lull's between storms are getting longer, but when they hit they hit with a punch.....

Monday, 1 July 2013

Well pendine has been and gone, a complete success it was too... I will write a full report one day when my mind is in the correct place...
Today is another bad day, a visit to the vet's for one of the rabbit's annual injections and it opens up that can of worm's that is being alone is.... God I miss my mate so so fucking much, no one told me that letting go would be this hard. We are now into July and still no let up of the emotions.. I'm starting to feel drained now, I think I may need more help as I can't seem to push through this block!!!!
I don't think that losing a partner is ever easy but at 49 I feel far to young to be going through this and the anger and resentment I feel towards some individuals who just slither through life sucking up every free thing they can, why are you still breathing and Hayley isn't..... she didn't deserve to go so soon, her life was on the up... I just can't shake that sad feeling that is isn't fair.. all irrational thoughts but one's that are firm in the front of my mind....

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Nearly Pendine time, been building up to this for ages, shame I just can't get the enthusiasm up for it like I should be.. I dearly want to go but not for the reason's I am....  we are talking 6 months now since I lost Hayley and I still cry buckets on a daily basis, this last week or so has really knocked back again, not sure why? I have so many positive things going for me but I just can't justify anything at the moment.
I did have a nasty scare when I found out a really good mate had been rushed in for heart surgery after suffering 2 heart attacks, thankfully he is back ragging me on the computer so he must be feeling better. I had hoped to be feeling just numb now, not this real rawness and sadness that just swamp's me and reduces me to a wreck.. I am and I think I will be for quite some time a Mess!!!

Monday, 10 June 2013

another day passes, still not really feeling much better... I can at least go out and "enjoy" myself a little now but the payback I get when I come home is almost not worth the effort!!! had a cracking weekend away with a good mate, old motorcycles followed by a BBQ in a field with mucho beer and a blast around the field in a mates hotrod, but FUCK!!! was it worth the pain and guilt I now feel? I miss Hayley so much it hurt's.. I don't seem to be really making any progress at all, I'm just treading water until............. guess maybe this is what my future entails? who know's..
God I miss you XXXXXX