Slippery Slope

 Today isn’t a good day, head is all over the place and despite being in bed for 8hrs I awoke this morning feeling like I haven’t slept! The walk with the dogs was stressful and I felt very near the edge but if I’m honest the dogs were no worse than normal but my tolerance levels were very low!! I have spoken with a dog behaviourist this morning about Violets behaviour and she has said it is completely fixable, tbh its probably me that needs the training!!

I’m not sure whether its time for my PSA check in regards to my prostrate cancer that has me feeling this low or whether I’m on the cusp of a nervous breakdown? I haven't felt this helpless in an age, maybe its time for a short spell back on medication though I really hate that idea but I’m not so sure I can carry on like this without the fallout affecting those around me!!

Update.

 The difference a day can make, whilst still very low and still teetering on the edge of that abyss, today on the school walk I encountered a couple of dog owners and Violet was her usual vocal self but I did manage to calm her down and the owners could not have been anymore understanding! I know its going to be a hard fought battle to calm her down but she had a really bad start in life and she deserves that effort, I cannot and will not give up on her.

I am now home, coffee in hand and relaxing before I head to work. Don’t get me wrong I could still quite happily close the door on the world and retreat into myself but that won’t do me any favours and you have to keep moving! I honestly do not think I’ll ever get used to depression, just when you think you have a handle on it, can see and feel the triggers BANG!! A real dark one comes from nowhere and takes you to the lowest point you can imagine, it truly frightens me just how bad it can feel when all around everything is going well! I’m  not so sure that if it wasn’t for my daughter I’d still be here, just one hug from her makes the daily battle worth fighting!

Perfect Storm

 So Jan was the last time I wrote something, I wish I could say that I have been chipper between then and now but that couldn’t be further from the truth! I have been low, not belly scraping low but lacking that sparkle. Not enough to log on here but enough to keep stalled from doing anything. 

We had a cracking time in Norfolk for a few days over half term in Feb and I collected my rare Panther Stroud motor from a friend who had rebuilt it for me so I should have been on an up but the constant grey and rain has really sapped any resolve I had!

 I’m currently sitting in my van at work whilst the rain lashes down outside thinking about yesterday… yesterday could quite easily have turned into the Perfect storm, I was low, it was a Monday and it was raining!! Then on my walk to school with my daughter we came across another person and their dog, now we have a rescue terrier who is around 3 years old and we know very little of her history. She is the most loving dog and has fitted in to our lives like a glove but she does have one fault and that is she gets over excited when she spots another dog and makes the most horrendous noise like a strangled parrot and this is pretty embarrassing! Anyway as we walked towards this chap Violet kicked off so I tried my hardest to calm her down but she wouldn’t and as we passed he made a comment along the lines of “not being able to walk around where I live without hassle” it isn’t the first time we have met and in fact I used to walk with him quite a lot when I had my late dog Harvey!

Now I know this comment was nothing but the grumbles of a sad and bitter old man ( conclusion come from the conversations we used to have) and normally it wouldn’t have stayed long in my head but yesterday was different and stay it did, it turned around and festered as I over thought it and by the time I got home I was in a very dark place and sat with my mobile phone and my works sick line whilst I worked out could I face work or not!! Thankfully I had the strength of character to drag myself off the sofa and into work as I believe staying at home would have been disastrous for my mental well being! 

This morning my anxiety was off the scale as I prepared to walk my daughter to school, i was sweating and I felt sick but forced myself to act and carry on as normal, we made the school walk and following dog walk with no issues and I’d really like to thank Kirstie who is the parent of a fellow pupil of my daughters for her company on the walks today and yesterday x

Not a bad run!

 So here we are on the 23rd January 2024 and I last posted on the 17th November 2023 and I have had the best run of positivity for an age.. I turned 60 on the 29th November and that was also the day we laid Nigel to rest, it was a double whammy and I was dreading it!

 I wasn’t happy about turning 60, I can’t explain it as I’ve never worried about ageing before but this time it was different and I guess the reality of having an 8yr old daughter and me being 60 put me in a gloomy place as I know she won’t be any great age when I go! But I did have an epiphany that if I’m lucky enough to equal my dads age (93) when he passed then I’m not even 2/3 of the way through my life! any way couple the dreaded 60 to saying our final farewells to Nigel and I was heading for the perfect storm in my head but strangely it turned into a catalyst for me to push through the gloom and ride forwards with me head held high and positive thoughts in my head!!  

It hasn’t been completely rosy and I will admit to having low days but nothing like the bleakness I have been experiencing, I was even driving my partner mad in the run up to christmas as I was in full on christmas mode, even caught me hoovering whilst wearing a santa hat and singing along to xmas music, a complete contrast to the grump arse I usually am at this time!! Even made it through Jan 6th which is the anniversary of losing both Hayley and my dad with only a minor mood dip.

Until today, lousy nights sleep, grey skies and rain and the bleakest of feelings, I so need a holiday where I can sink my toes into the sand and sit beneath palm trees but I’m drawing strength from the fact I’ve done over 2 months without feeling the need to write it down!

Facade

 Seesawing between tears and smiles at the moment and my partner commented today “ that I seemed to be in better spirits” but truth be told I’m just hiding it better today. Sometimes I can keep the facade up and act like everything is rosy but somedays the tears push through the cracks and show like yesterday..

I fully intend to beat this cycle, it may not be easy or quick but just like Hayley did I will push through it and then I can consign the facade to the bin!

Farewell my friend!!

 So yesterday I got the news I had been dreading, Nigel one of my cousins had passed away! He hadn’t been ill for very long but had a very aggressive cancer! Like when we lost Grizz back in ‘21 he cut off all contact with pretty much everyone apart from close family, I understand and support their reasons but it doesn’t make it easy for those wanting to say how much they meant to them and I guess goodbye! Nigel was like a brother to me and we spent loads of time in each others company, I always wanted to be like Nige as he was his own person and did things his way!!

Nigel going after only a few days since we laid Julie to rest is hard. Julie was a big part of the crowd in my late teens and early 20’s and like Nigel is woven into the fabric of my past!!

Since Hayley passing in 2013 I do not handle mortality well, not my own! My going doesn’t faze me ( though I’m not ready to leave Poppy dad less just yet!) at all but its the losing of the folk that I’ve shared my journey with I find difficult and I struggle to let go! Today the world can do one!!

Tired…. Again!

 Sitting here in the dark just before 7am alone with the dogs. Another night where I’ve awoken feeling like I haven’t been asleep, feeling so tired at the moment! Not sure if its the tail end of a virus we think I had a couple of weeks ago or the start of another dark episode of depression slowly settling in! Personally I hope its the tail end of a virus as I’ve spoken with other parents at the school gates and they’ve had the same.

Trying my hardest to do everything to prevent the black dog slipping in, but you know I fear he is already here as the apathy, tiredness and grumpy moods are very noticeable recently! Damn I’m tired of this but counselling has finished and I’m really not happy with the thought of drugs as I’ve mentioned before my personal experience with them (both myself and Hayley) is that they just stall the inevitable!! Maybe I’m wrong and should hold my hands up and try? God knows!!

One of the things that surprises me the most is when I talk to folk around me and most are not even aware of the battles going on inside me, I’m not even sure Claire is aware of how bad it is for me at times, how hard it is just to do the most simple of things! The facade I’ve built is pretty damn convincing!!