Another day another.. well day..

Here we go again, hopefully today is the day I start the journey back to the light.
It is a strange thing life!! yesterday I did have a few wobbles but on the whole I was doing OK.. Until I opened my post to find a couple of letters from my bank, one telling me they had bounced a payment due to insufficient funds and then another to say that they had paid a card payment which had pushed me over my overdraft limit... So I contacted my bank to see what was going on as I wasn't expecting this "other" payment.. turns out it was the insurance company renewing Hayley's car insurance using the card number she supplied them last year, and she didn't need to do anything about it as they would just assume that as she hadn't contacted them she was happy with the new quote.. Well from where I'm sitting that would have been a little hard don't you think!!!! how can they be allowed to just take your money without permission? especially as the insurance was in Hayley's name and the debit card is in mine!!! ruined what was a reasonably positive day.. guess I will get a few of those...

I get on pretty much a daily basis messages of support from friends and family, one of the underlying themes is the regret that they hadn't made the effort to see more of Hayley whilst she was here, well that my good people is a 2 way street and we could have made more of an effort to come and see you.. but with Hayley's depression being what it was she found it hard to socialise, even amongst close friends and family. She coped with life by cocooning herself in her comfort zone which pretty much consisted of home and latterly her excellent job at Mark Maynard's emporium in Tunbridge Wells and her unstinting support of Foal Farm animal rescue, Biggin Hill.
So I say to all of you that feel you have regret's don't, you have nothing to regret, life is what life is.. please try and look back with smiles and then look forward and embrace your loved ones and make Hayley proud by living not for money or material possessions but for experiences, laughter and the making of those oh so important memories.. trust me on this one folk's.. it isn't the furniture, nick knacks or fancy clothes that will bring you any comfort, Hell it isn't even the collection of old motorcycles in the garage (never ever thought I would say that, in fact I used to say Hayley would go before the BSA did!!) but those memories.. I used to say to Hayley when she lusted after some trivial thing, when your old and sitting on your french porch in a rocking chair, it won't be material things you remember but friends, pet's and experiences.. shit how right I was.. except for the old and France bit...
Which brings me back to reality, sitting in my study, rain on the window writing this and watching our squirrel on the bird table.. my future and what does it hold? in the short term I have my Pendine project and the Pop ti finish which I fully plan to do but what then?
Work I think is going to be my biggest issue, When Hayley was ill I managed to swap onto an earlier shift so that I was home in the evenings which were the hardest part of the day for Hayley, this moved boosted her mood incredibly and I know it was a major factor in helping her gain the confidence to apply for the job at Mark Maynards. Sadly my switch was only for a couple of years and I was put back onto my late shift, a move which led me to see a slow decline in Hayley's mood and outlook, which thankfully didn't regress back as far as it had been due to the love and commitment she had for her job. Mark I will be forever grateful to you and Lucy for your support, something I am positive you were completely unaware of.
Towards the tailend of last year I managed to once again get a temp duty switch to a shift that not only gave me my evenings free but also gave me a weekday off that corresponded with one of Hayley's day's off, the change in her was amazing and for the first time in longer than I can remember, since well before her mum's passing nearly 10 years ago I saw my old Hayley emerging from the darkness. She had started a course in interior design,  friends had started to ask advice on their homes and gardens, life looked good..
Sadly it wasn't to be, for some reason fate stole Hayley from me before we could enjoy those better times. I am pleased though that at least near the end Hayley was happier than I had seen her for a long time, we both still had a way to go before our lives were financially back on track, but bless her that isn't something I will have to worry about now as she had got herself insured!! but guess what, i would give it all back in an instant for another couple of years but hey that will never happen.. so all I can do is take Hayley's legacy to me and make the best of a shitty situation.. Maybe that was my fate, to be there for Hayley, see her through the bad times and back into the light? maybe fate has another job for me? who knows but I guess in time I will find out...
 and as for work? well I am not so certain I can go back to my current shift, the shift that was OH SO fucking important to me such a short time ago now feels like it will be a curse in the future, those free day's will always be Hayley's day's and I'm not so sure I'm strong enough to survive that!!