So here I sit, May 15th 2019... my mums birthday but sadly we lost her Xmas eve 2018... so this is the first one without her... god I miss her, after losing Hayley in 2013 I have found I’ve struggled with  death, I can’t get past the “ I’m never going to see them again” and the biggest problem I’m having at the moment is getting my head around personal possessions!! Things that mean the world to you mean diddly squat to others and that makes the owning of things somehow seem pointless!! I look at stuff I cherish and I know when I’m gone it will just be more junk for those left behind to deal with as the personal attachment is mine and not theirs!! God today has been a hard one and if I had the balls I could easily have flicked the off switch... depression!! I hate depression for what it did to Hayley, I hate depression for what it stole from me and I hate depression for how it makes me feel now!! I have everything to live for and today was or at least should have been a good day with the sunshine and out in the Hotrod but somehow the shadows have been almost all consuming!!! 6 years on from Hayley’s passing and despite all the positive things in my life the dark lord and his black dog keep snapping at my heels..... maybe this is my path now, I hope not as I’m not sure I’m strong enough to shoulder that any more??
I did nearly a whole year with Cruse for bereavement counselling and yes it did help but maybe I just think to much or even expect too much from life but I feel sometimes that I’m never going to be fully happy?? I love my partner and I can’t express how much I love my daughter but why do I despise myself so much? What have I done wrong? Oh well time to sleep tomorrow is another day, let’s hope it’s positive xx