Another day.......

another road trip, not so far this time but into the outer reaches of Londinium.. mood is fair and heart no quite so heavy as i leave the homestead.. the run up was fine and no bother, reached my destination and picked up the stuff for my pendine bike. Run back was again uneventful but the nearer I get to Tonbridge the lower I feel. I thought it was prudent to show my face at work, one so they could see i was still alive and the other so i could see how it felt to be back there. Last time was a disaster but maybe the few weeks since would have changed me!!! not in the slightest, it was good to see some old faces but being amongst so many people really freaked me out.. this is getting worrying as I'm OK with small groups but I'm finding it so hard to hold it together in larger groups.. shit knows when I will start to feel like I am coping... people have asked and even suggested I move house, but it isn't the house that's the problem it's missing Hayley's company that is.. and anywhere i go that will come with me and nothing can change that.. I just have to hang on and ride the storm until the loss is more bearable.. my respect for folk in my position that carry on as normal has risen 100 fold, I just don't know how they cope, sure I can go out and do things, but when the storm hit's it as rough as hell and I'm not capable of driving or anything...
The hardest thing is I still have so many things I want to tell Hayley, a million things I want to ask her... god I long to hear the sound of Emmerdale starting (can't stand the program) as it used to so often as I sat up stairs on the computer, Zeez Hayley I am missing you more as each day passes, I am getting out and about but it all seems so pointless at the moment as I can't share it with you...
Love you xxxxxxx