Monday, 11 February 2013

Another day in paradise NOT!!!

Well i haven't written much for a few day's, been pretty busy out and about trying to get myself back to normality.. well the new normality as the old one is gone for good. Been signed off for another couple of weeks by the doc's, struggling to hold it all together. For the first time in my life I need company when I'm doing stuff!! used to be happy up the barn on my own for hours or off on long road trips with nothing but my thoughts for company.. not anymore.. crave the company of others.. I think it was because I always had my best mate back at base to come home to, always there like a wall of comfort.
The hardest thing to do is leave good friends and head back to an empty quiet house, thank god I have the rabbits to attend to... I am thinking of getting a dog, but I'm not sure my work patterns are very conducive to a new pet, out of the house by 05-15 and not home again until nearly 4pm. I can drop a dog off at my parents on the way into work but that means up at around 4am to get myself, the rabbits and a dog sorted before I head off to work.. I will know when the time is right..
I have the levellers song Julie playing in my head on a loop at the moment.. the line " She felt alone in a crowded room, cried when she heard a happy tune" just about sum's up how I'm feeling. Enjoying some real quality wrenching and spannering time with some good mates but I still feel the most alone I have ever felt in my life..
.I have been advised by the doc to get some counseling and I think I will, being alone for a large portion of the day isn't helping me much but I am not and will not move out and stay with people as that will be a counterproductive move.. I guess the long climb back to light is going to be a struggle when your whole world and future plans are completely blown apart like this...
I am also fighting some resentment when I look at the lowlife trash that slither about on the local estate.. why did it have to be Hayley? why her.. she worked and contributed, never harmed a soul.. all she asked for was a loving husband, a good secure job and and nice home.. there is no answer to that... life just is!!!! end of.....

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