Thursday, 31 January 2013

Berlin, one of the many excellent trips we had... I was privileged to have walked the path with you my love, that path is still there but it will never be the same walk..
It has been said it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.. they are in fact correct. And boy did I and still do love you...
Another day!!!

so we find ourselves in another day.. yesterday started well but dissolved into sadness as it went on, I spent much of the day surfing the net trying to find things to blank out the horror of the real world, succeeded for the most part but then when your guard is down it all pours back in!! a friend posted in reply to one of my posts "tick tock" and indeed it is.. the minutes move ever forward towards the day I can accept my loss, celebrate my past and embrace my future... something I am finding so hard to do right now.
The human mind is such a great thing but there are times when it is our biggest enemy, well at least my enemy. irrational thoughts keep edging their way in and making their presence felt... I know they are irrational and are not doing anything good but I just can't stop them coming. Hayley and I made a conscious decision not to have children, we never ever regretted that decision but I can't help wondering if I had small children to look out for my situation would be more controllable? and NO I do not want yours!! again irrational thoughts..
My biggest problem is we spent so much time together, enjoyed each others company, most of our best times were alone in the garden with a bottle of wine and the rabbits playing at our feet.. it will be the simple pleasures that I will find hardest to let go. I am not a pub person, OK I enjoy the rare occasion when I visit the NorKent crew in Knockholt, the bike nights up the Huntsman, Eridge or a few ciders in my mate Sumo's garage but that is really about it for me, I'm OK meeting people in a car park for a Hotrod meet, in a bar at the hayride but my happiest socialising was done in the comfort of my home, in the company of good friends with the best one by my side..
The good friend who commented Tick tock also posted this poem on my facebook page on the day of Hayley's send off..

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.” David Harkins.

Cheers Phil, it still makes me cry but the wisdom of these words are going to keep me from falling and giving up. Thank you all my family & friends who are at my shoulder, I will survive, I will relapse on occasions as I sometimes feel I'm not strong enough to fight this but please rest assured I will get through this....

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

sitting, thinking, crying

been having a good day so far, surfing the inter-net and annoying my friends on facebook with loads of random but interesting post's.. suddenly hit with that longing to hear my phone ring and to hear Hayley say " Only me, just thought I'd ring you as the shop is quiet" sobbing my heart out now!!! jeez why do you have to ever love someone so much that to lose them makes you feel this wretched!!
All around me I have good, strong loyal friends but the only one I really need is never going to be here again.... I know this is just me feeling sorry for myself but how do you come to terms with the loss of the greatest friend you could ever wish for??
Morning World

Another day another challenge, except this challenge is the same as yesterday's and the day before's etc and that challenge is to make nightfall without losing it completely, failed yesterday as I have failed everyday so far.. i know I'm expecting far too much to be able to  function as close to normal as possible so soon but I hate this feeling of emptiness that is swamping me.. Strangely I thought it would be the evenings that would be the worse time, alone and with nothing more than crap TV and my Facebook family to keep me sane, but it isn't!! it is the mornings when I awake and see that huge huge void in my life that was so taken up by Hayley that I am struggling to see over, around or through it.
I am surrounded by an amazing network of family, both mine and Hayley's, close friends and my superb virtual family on facebook who are in constant contact and visit's.. but in the word's of the Levellers song " I feel alone in a crowded room, sad when I hear a happy tune" I know time will soften the pain but it is taking all my resolve to contain that pain until it does....
I have my Pendine racer build (check my in-the-shed speedshop blog if interested) for therapy and as a tribute to my smashing wife who supported me in my endeavours no matter how crazy or stupid she thought they were "xx" but try as I might everytime I go to do something in the barn or garage i get this massive jolt of guilt that I am carrying on whilst Hayley can't,, irrational I know but powerful none the less.
I have spoken again with my doctors, it seems that as well as grief I am probably suffering from traumatic stress as Hayley's passing was so sudden and out of the blue I am having considerable trouble accepting it..
Starting this blog was my way of taking my pain from facebook and giving it a new permanent home, writing has and is proving a massive help, I know Hayley can't read any of this but by my putting it down on here help's stop the tumbling thoughts invading my mind 24/7..
god I miss you missus, I would have swapped places with you in an instant but I think you would be coping worse than me.. till we meet again.. love you alway's xx Shaun

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Hayley Tonia Veness

Beloved wife, best mate, soul mate and best friend. 16/07/1967 - 06/01/2013 gone but never forgotten.

28th January, the scrapping of the carriage

We said our final farewells today to the body of my beloved Hayley Tonia Veness, when Hayley got inconsolable about the loss of a beloved pet, I used to say to her that the body is like a car, you climb into at the start of your journey (life) and climb out at the end when the spirit no longer needs it, burial is like the scrapping of a car at the end of it's useful life and has nothing to do with with the person/critter that once used it for their own journey, and it did use to help even if it was just a small comfort at the time.
Well today (28th) we "scrapped" the carriage (Hayley was too beautiful to have traveled by car) of Hayley, this is the letter I posted to her spirit on her facebook page:-

"Hayley. Today we are saying goodbye to your body, but I have already said goodbye to your spirit at the hospital. Today is going to be hard but I think the hardest time was seeing you pass away. The sense of loss in that moment is still etched on my mind.. I am trying to take comfort from all the positives in this situation, I am glad you collapsed at home and not alone somewhere, I am glad I was at home to get you help as quickly as i could, however fruiltless it turned out to be. I am glad I was with you for your last few day's here, I am forever grateful it was instant and you didn't know or feel a thing, I was honoured to be able to sit by your side in your last moments of life but more than that I am still honoured that you chose me to be your life partner.
I hope I told you enough what you meant to me, if I didn't then i hope by my actions, loyalty, patience and endless hug's and holding your hand showed you that you were my world.
I am starting a list of things I want to tell you, once completed I am going to burn it as you would have done a letter to Santa Claus as a kid.. I am also starting a list of places you wanted to visit that I will hopefully have the strength and courage to visit one day.
I miss you so so terribly missus but your Rabbits are being a great comfort, you would be proud of me for nursing Cookie through a chill, they are still camped happily in the kitchen, think I may have trouble evicting them!!
Please keep an eye over us and steer me if I start to head in the wrong direction.. I hope there is a spirit world and that you are at peace with all the one's you have loved both 2 and 4 legged, hope Merlin isn't too mean to Timmy!!
I am hoping that once today is past the pain will start to subside and I will start to enjoy the memories without the tears. I will do my utmost to make a success of my future Hayley though that seems so hard and pointless at this current time..
I will love you for tonight and forever...
  Until I can hold your hand again and walk on a french beach with you even if we are but shadows....
your ever loving but completely unprepared for going solo husband Shaun.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"
Hospital, find time to say thankyou

I know that at a time like this, the last thing you think about is the team of people behind the scenes at the hospital who work tirelessly 24/7/365 to do their utmost to either save a life or to make a person as comfortable as thay can in their last hours.
We all hear the horror stories of bad treatment and shoddy care BUT we seldom hear of the good care and excellent treatment that people receive. Well I have been in the fortunate position recently of seeing not only superb and successful treatment ( my 86 year old father had bowl cancer last year and was treated very successfully and has made an amazing recovery) from Maidstone hospital but I have also seen the dignity and respectful treatment of a person who has no hope of recovery from the team at Pembury who cared for my late wife. Everytime they wanted to check something or move her they spoke to Hayley telling her exactly what they were doing and why even though she wouldn't have heard a word. The team even took as much time to explain to me and other members of the family the situation even though we struggled at times to take in what they were saying.. Hayley's team of nurses Anne,Christopher and especially Pauline the night nurse were just superb and I do have to thank with all my heart the organ donor coordinator Jessica for her patience, kind words and constant presence during that heart wrenching time sitting waiting outside the theater waiting for Hayley to pass. Jessica and Pauline made the whole thing bearable.. thankyou both so so much..
I do hope that by reading this, if you have a positive experience no matter the outcome you will take time to publicly thank the hospital's team for their help and dedication, something I feel in this world we do far to infrequently..
So thankyou one and all, you made what was an extremely traumatic and painful time for me one that is to be cherished rather than forgotten, I for one will never ever forget your kindness.. XXX Love, Peace and Respect.. Shaun XXX
January 6th 2013 The day my world imploded

well it actually imploded 2 day's earlier in the wee small hours of Thursday/Friday 3rd/4th when I came down stairs from bed after hearing a strange noise to find my wife of 10 years but partner of 28 collapsed on the floor. A frantic call to the emergency services and we had her in A&E pretty sharpish, well I guess it helps living a mile or so from the hospital but having the Ambulances stationed around 5-7 miles from the hospital seems a little counter productive..
Hayley received immediate attention from the excellent doctors/surgeons on duty that night but sadly it was found that Hayley had suffered a massive burst Aneurism and basically it had been game over for my beautiful missus the moment it had happened.
I won't go into detail of my next 48 hours other than to say I made the decision for Hayley's organs except her Beautiful eye's to be used, a decision that was hard to make at such a hard time but as Hayley had always been so helpful to others I wanted her to be able to help one last time...
Unfortunately hayley had other idea's and survived well past the cut-off time for the team to be able to save the organs for donation... Hayley passed away peacefully at 02-45 am on Sunday 6th January with  me by her side, at that moment my world imploded...

I have been posting on Facebook about my struggle to cope and accept the loss of my Wife, Best mate, Soul Mate and traveling companion (whether those roads were foreign traveled or the just the path of our life) but feel it's time to move forward from that and give everyone a rest, so I am starting this blog just to put down my thoughts and to somehow log my journey back to light, a light that will never be as bright as it once was but one that will be brighter than it is today....