So here I sit again.. another Monday and another crashing low.. I'm trying so hard to keep it all level and happy for Claire and Poppy's sake but jeeez its the lowest I have felt since the early day's of 2013 just after I lost Hayley..
The crazy thing is that my life couldn't possibly get much better than it is at the moment.. I am the most financially secure I have ever been in my life.. my Panther motorcycle sits on the bench almost ready for the road and my "new" Ford sedan family wagon is close to coming home!! (though I have/am having sleepless nights worrying about all the time my mates have put into this and the space I have been taking with it..) I'm in the best shape physically I have been for many a year and I have my hound, Claire and the wonderful Poppy to share it all with...
I know I have lost both my mum and dad in the past year, it didn't help with dad being ill and passing on the 7th anniversary of Hayley going.. that was a hard one to deal with and then the loss of my good mate and work colleague Pat only just after he had helped me through my first week back at work after losing dad... but M&D both had long lives, hadn't really suffered long term illness that kept them bed ridden or hospitalised.. I was very fortunate to have had them in my life for as long as I did.. not everyone gets that chance..
I'm really not sure where I'm going with this but its been bombing around my head so much of late I really needed to get it out... I still think a lot has to do with the way we were cheated with Hayley going just as she had taken control of her life for the first time in over 20 years, I had seen the reemergence of the old Hayley for the first time in years.. the persona that everyone loved was back 24/7 rather than just in public.. she was so strong for fighting depression for as long as she did.. it almost crushed us time and time again but neither of us would give in!! I still miss her and have a list of things I want to tell her and her mum as long as my arm..
I have finally come to terms with her passing and I'm at peace with that, but I still can't get past the anger I feel for the depression that stole so much time from us!! I'm not sure I will ever get past that despite trying as hard as I do, but negativity will solve nothing so I am trying my hardest to really let go of what "has been" and not let it ruin what is to come....
Poppy and Claire bring so much light into my life I feel so blessed, I just hope my mental battle with the past is won before it taints what I have now...….
