Friday 17 May 2013

sitting here in floods, I can feel anger and resentment building in me... why you?? why now when things were starting to turn for us.. I know anger and resentment will not help but i can't control my emotions anymore than I could control your destiny...
I MISS YOU SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!
the view from the climb is amazing.. sadly when you drop it seems the higher you got the harder the landing!!! I have had a good few day's, work is finally starting to feel OK and being back in a routine isn't so bad... still cry like a baby on a daily basis, still miss Hayley's silly voices and mad comments, miss having to explain the plot of a tv mystery in fact I just miss her full stop...
I'm well into the 3rd book of my life now.. one that I hadn't planned starting for years, if ever.. book one was my life from 0-21, book 2 was the Hayley Years and book 3 is from now on.... I never thought I would out live the missus, in fact Hayley used to worry about me going first.. i've probably mentioned that before and prob will again as my memory isn't much cop with real life stuff....
Walking young Harvey in the fields back of my house today and that feeling of mega loneliness just swamped me .. I know I have the support of my family, my friends and the wonderful company of Harvey etc but the hole that Hayley has left in my life is so so big that at times it feels like it will swallow me whole!!!
I know how large my presence was in Hayley's life, she told me often enough but I wonder if Hayley ever realised just how huge she was in mine? did I tell her enough? I damn well hope so... I also hope she knew I was by her bedside in those last few day's, sitting by her side as she breathed her last few breath's.. holding her hand and telling her how much I loved her and not to be so damn selfish and leave me on my own!!! the world is a shit place and I need her with me, she was my rock, my backbone, it was Hayley who gave me the confidence to try!!!! without you missus I am nothing... I will live on and try to make something of myself, though what I do not know... so far just getting through each day is enough...
Still miss you today as much as I did on the day I lost you, if anything I think I miss you more the longer we are apart...
I'm not sure writing this is working anymore? I seem to cry buckets when I'm writing, but I guess it is better let it out, both the words and the tears than to hold it all back.....

Tuesday 7 May 2013

started back to work today.. harder than I imagined it would be... it wasn't going back to the office that was the problem it was the "normality" of it all, it was nice to see the folks and they have been very good to me these last few month's.. it's just that the normal everyday things are the hardest to get used to doing again.. had a massive crash of spirit after I picked Harvey up from my folks house and started the fight through the traffic to get home... tears flowed like rain.. thank god I have my little fella to keep me company.. going home to an empty house would have been a mess!!!  still 1 step forward's... I'm making progress just bloody slow..
Back to work today and I'm scared shitless!!! I can handle all the irregular stuff I'm doing at the moment but real life is still a massive massive struggle.. shopping is hard buying just for one and seeing all those couples happily going about their business... never thought I would ever be envious of good old domestic bliss... had thought of myself as a little off the wall and different.. seems all I really want is the same as everyone else... no that isn't true, I don't want normal domestic bliss i just want my crazy, complicated, confused and sometimes hard work missus back....
I walked harvey yesterday and ended up in a Bluebell wood, jeez that was the trigger.. spent the rest of the day in fit's of tears.. this stage of the recovery isn't going very well.. I have had a few weeks of respite but now I'm back at the crying for hardly any reason stage.... I guess this is going to go on for ages...
I'm sitting here on the computer with the study window open and all I can hear in my head is Hayley outside chatting to the rabbit's, god I miss you so much...I am trying to be strong, I am back working on my old shit and making progress... just finding it hard to see the point.....