well he we are now in November, the months are flying past but the pain is not letting up one inch.... having a bad week, the rain and cold are getting to me and the traffic just seems endless.. I know it is all a state of mind but when your mind is in a state that doesn't help much...
I'm really not enjoying the view from this side of the fence.. it's strange to be the one suffering from depression now when I spent oh so many years supporting, encouraging and loving Hayley through hers.. I really wish she could be here to tell me it's going to be all right, something good is round the corner. or just hold my hand.... I have forgotten home many times I sat and worried about how we would cope with our future but always told Hayley it would be fine, even when I didn't believe it to be true.. I never thought I would say this but I miss those day's of worry and would have them back in a heartbeat..
The bloody dark lord is starting to affect my social life as well, I'm meant to be heading to Holland next week for a long weekend of hotrods and beer.. really not sure my head is going to be in the right place.. I hate it, you know you have a problem, you know it's all in the mind but you cannot do a damn thing about it when it grab's hold...
Today all I want to do is sleep, in fact that is pretty much all I want to do 24/7.... sleep with no dreams is the best thing ever... I have just realised that in trying to pull myself through this horror that I have burdened myself with far too many projects, I do not have need/space or funds to do them all but I'm buggered if I can sell any.... just can't make up my mind which should go.. do think about selling the stuff I owned before all this kicked off so that I'm starting with a fresh sheet, but deep down I know that would be a bad move.. so I'm just having to go with the flow and try not to drown!!!!!
Hayley I miss you more and more each day that passes, things that passed unnoticed at the time are coming back to haunt me... you were the most caring, cranky, awkward and beautiful person I have ever known, your passing has left a void in my soul that makes the grand canyon look like a knife cut.... I hope there is an afterlife because the thought of never seeing you again is breaking me into pieces.. RIP my lover, friend and companion XXXXX

wow, nearly a month since I last posted, and straight after another event!! coincidence ?? had a blast of a weekend away at the hayride, one of the best social event's ever again this year.. meeting old and making new friends is good for the soul.. being home and not being able to share the rush,news etc is just not so god, it's so bloody hard... seems i can live in the past far easier than in the present.. give me somewhere full of old bikes and car's and I'm happy.. drop me back into the drudge of work/home/sleep/work/home and I struggle bigtime. Find the effort to go through it all day in, day out is a struggle.. it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.. flying solo is NOT the life I would have chosen and not a life I'm enjoying.. but it isn't that I miss female company just the company of one female... weird shit going on in my head, too young to be single but too old to want to get involved in any sort of relationship... maybe that is just my feelings now? who knows but one thing I do know I miss Hayley more today than I did 4 months ago, the pain is as great now if not greater.. just the lull's between storms are getting longer, but when they hit they hit with a punch.....

Well pendine has been and gone, a complete success it was too... I will write a full report one day when my mind is in the correct place...
Today is another bad day, a visit to the vet's for one of the rabbit's annual injections and it opens up that can of worm's that is being alone is.... God I miss my mate so so fucking much, no one told me that letting go would be this hard. We are now into July and still no let up of the emotions.. I'm starting to feel drained now, I think I may need more help as I can't seem to push through this block!!!!
I don't think that losing a partner is ever easy but at 49 I feel far to young to be going through this and the anger and resentment I feel towards some individuals who just slither through life sucking up every free thing they can, why are you still breathing and Hayley isn't..... she didn't deserve to go so soon, her life was on the up... I just can't shake that sad feeling that is isn't fair.. all irrational thoughts but one's that are firm in the front of my mind....

Nearly Pendine time, been building up to this for ages, shame I just can't get the enthusiasm up for it like I should be.. I dearly want to go but not for the reason's I am....  we are talking 6 months now since I lost Hayley and I still cry buckets on a daily basis, this last week or so has really knocked back again, not sure why? I have so many positive things going for me but I just can't justify anything at the moment.
I did have a nasty scare when I found out a really good mate had been rushed in for heart surgery after suffering 2 heart attacks, thankfully he is back ragging me on the computer so he must be feeling better. I had hoped to be feeling just numb now, not this real rawness and sadness that just swamp's me and reduces me to a wreck.. I am and I think I will be for quite some time a Mess!!!

another day passes, still not really feeling much better... I can at least go out and "enjoy" myself a little now but the payback I get when I come home is almost not worth the effort!!! had a cracking weekend away with a good mate, old motorcycles followed by a BBQ in a field with mucho beer and a blast around the field in a mates hotrod, but FUCK!!! was it worth the pain and guilt I now feel? I miss Hayley so much it hurt's.. I don't seem to be really making any progress at all, I'm just treading water until............. guess maybe this is what my future entails? who know's..
God I miss you XXXXXX

Dear Hayley.
I'm missing you more as each day passes, the list of stuff I want to tell you is growing to an enormous length. I am having better day's but these are followed by some of the most horrendous lows I have ever experienced. I find myself enjoying myself and then bam the realisation that you have gone hit's me so hard in the gut it is physical!! I find I'm longing for the time when thinking of you doesn't make me cry and then the thought of not missing you also tears me apart inside.. I hate the way you were here large as life one minute only to be gone so suddenly the next.
I have Harvey boy as company which is superb but even walking him and seeing all the beauty around me is hard to take.. I thought with the coming of the warm weather I would feel better but I find myself wishing for rain quite a bit of the time so that everything doesn't look so wonderful... You would be so proud of your sister Charlotte and Malcom, they were absolutely amazing during the time you were taken from me, even though Malcom has his own shit to deal with he was constantly on the phone checking up on me....
How I'm going to cope in the coming month's i do not know.. I struggle with work, not the job just being somewhere amongst people, but I know it is doing me good and far better than being on my own which I would happily do...
I do hope that there is an after life and you are somewhere pleasant and happy amongst family and old pet's.. the thought that I will see you again one day fills me with hope..
I love you missus, the hole you have left in my life is so so massive I can hardly begin to contemplate how I'm ever going to feel "whole" again.....
Till we meet again, Love you loads your crushed and almost defeated husband Shaun
XXXXXXXXXXXXX

sitting here in floods, I can feel anger and resentment building in me... why you?? why now when things were starting to turn for us.. I know anger and resentment will not help but i can't control my emotions anymore than I could control your destiny...
I MISS YOU SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!

the view from the climb is amazing.. sadly when you drop it seems the higher you got the harder the landing!!! I have had a good few day's, work is finally starting to feel OK and being back in a routine isn't so bad... still cry like a baby on a daily basis, still miss Hayley's silly voices and mad comments, miss having to explain the plot of a tv mystery in fact I just miss her full stop...
I'm well into the 3rd book of my life now.. one that I hadn't planned starting for years, if ever.. book one was my life from 0-21, book 2 was the Hayley Years and book 3 is from now on.... I never thought I would out live the missus, in fact Hayley used to worry about me going first.. i've probably mentioned that before and prob will again as my memory isn't much cop with real life stuff....
Walking young Harvey in the fields back of my house today and that feeling of mega loneliness just swamped me .. I know I have the support of my family, my friends and the wonderful company of Harvey etc but the hole that Hayley has left in my life is so so big that at times it feels like it will swallow me whole!!!
I know how large my presence was in Hayley's life, she told me often enough but I wonder if Hayley ever realised just how huge she was in mine? did I tell her enough? I damn well hope so... I also hope she knew I was by her bedside in those last few day's, sitting by her side as she breathed her last few breath's.. holding her hand and telling her how much I loved her and not to be so damn selfish and leave me on my own!!! the world is a shit place and I need her with me, she was my rock, my backbone, it was Hayley who gave me the confidence to try!!!! without you missus I am nothing... I will live on and try to make something of myself, though what I do not know... so far just getting through each day is enough...
Still miss you today as much as I did on the day I lost you, if anything I think I miss you more the longer we are apart...
I'm not sure writing this is working anymore? I seem to cry buckets when I'm writing, but I guess it is better let it out, both the words and the tears than to hold it all back.....

started back to work today.. harder than I imagined it would be... it wasn't going back to the office that was the problem it was the "normality" of it all, it was nice to see the folks and they have been very good to me these last few month's.. it's just that the normal everyday things are the hardest to get used to doing again.. had a massive crash of spirit after I picked Harvey up from my folks house and started the fight through the traffic to get home... tears flowed like rain.. thank god I have my little fella to keep me company.. going home to an empty house would have been a mess!!!  still 1 step forward's... I'm making progress just bloody slow..

Back to work today and I'm scared shitless!!! I can handle all the irregular stuff I'm doing at the moment but real life is still a massive massive struggle.. shopping is hard buying just for one and seeing all those couples happily going about their business... never thought I would ever be envious of good old domestic bliss... had thought of myself as a little off the wall and different.. seems all I really want is the same as everyone else... no that isn't true, I don't want normal domestic bliss i just want my crazy, complicated, confused and sometimes hard work missus back....
I walked harvey yesterday and ended up in a Bluebell wood, jeez that was the trigger.. spent the rest of the day in fit's of tears.. this stage of the recovery isn't going very well.. I have had a few weeks of respite but now I'm back at the crying for hardly any reason stage.... I guess this is going to go on for ages...
I'm sitting here on the computer with the study window open and all I can hear in my head is Hayley outside chatting to the rabbit's, god I miss you so much...I am trying to be strong, I am back working on my old shit and making progress... just finding it hard to see the point.....

Bugger it the dark lord is back with a vengeance!! trying to stay positive but it is hard when all you want to do is sob your heart out... have good day's but these are followed by the blackest of moods I have ever experienced!! and I'm not afraid to admit they can be a little frightening.... Thank god for The rabbits and old Harvey boy... without these fella's I would be a complete and utter mess, they get me out of bed in the morning and give me something to aim for each and everyday... I have done a couple of roads trips recently, excellent day's in excellent company but the low's that hit once I'm home are unreal.. I spent a good few years watching and helping Hayley through her low times to know what the hell is going on, and no matter how hard it is to do you have to let it run its course, it will ease and it will retract given time and the right kind of help... Harvey is the best therapy I could possibly have, smiles all round here, even through the tears.. he was meant to be, fate call it what you will... Missus you would love this little bugger, hope you don't mind but he has taken over my sofa now... miss you so so much, god I'm going to bore the shit out of you if and when we meet again as I have so much I want to share with you...

Well i have found new depth's of despair these last couple of month's!! I have been so low that i thought I would never ever get back again. Day's are getting slowly easier with less and less manic moments but I'm still gripped by this massive sense of loss and confusion, I still can't meet someone I haven't seen for ages without losing it big time though the big difference now is I can hold it back until I'm alone in the car, house, garage etc...
Only time I seem to be able to blank my mind for a short period of time is when I'm working on the car in the barn, even working on Saltster the Pendine bike at home is a massive, massive struggle which usually ends with me in floods of tears for no real reason... well there is a reason but a somewhat elusive trigger...
Hayley was a bigger part of my life than I ever realised, miss her so much each and every day, quite often cry myself to sleep.. hardly feel like the 50 year old i nearly am and more like a 5 year old.. I feel like I'm sleep walking through life now, nothing sinks in and nothing really means that much anymore...
On a positive note I have taken a young dog from Foal Farm rescue center into my home and heart, he will be the distraction I need and also the company I crave in the long evenings. I may head to a pub again now I have some company... Only down side is that Hayley isn't here to enjoy him with me... christ will I ever be right in myself ever again? I know it has only been 3 months since my world imploded but I am feeling no better and it is getting no easier with time passing.... anyway got to sign off as I'm having trouble seeing the keyboard through the tears!!! here's Harvey, the Hotrod Hound....

God life is hard, far harder than I ever could have imagined!! I have good day's now with very little trauma, but shit when that trauma hit's it hit's hard... I am moving forward Hayley.. trying to get my life back ontrack but it means fuck all without you.. I am exploring avenues that would have been well out of reach had you still been around, I have the opportunity to own things that would have only been a dream had things turned out differently!! but does this make me feel any better? does it hell !!! given the chance I would give up everything I currently own and could possibly own in the future to have you back here, I miss you more than I can possibly ever say, some times I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up, but then I worry about what would happen to the rabbit's!!
I hope if you can see and hear me you can at least know I miss you, my life is not worth chuff all now but I will keep on treading that tread mill, keep the rabbit's happy and well cared for, build things that seem important but really don't mean shit!! but in all honesty I'm just awaiting my time to come and see you again..
miss you loads. XXXXXXXXXXXXX

struggling again today missus, went up foal farm to take some dog food and bit's and pieces for them to sell. not the same without you!!!! made in-roads on adopting a dog.. found one that should fit in with the rabbit's which is the most important thing...
Maybe it's just me but my life-line that was facebook seems to have taken a real turn for the negative, every other post seems to be fired by hatred and the endless political post's are really f**king me off, I am fully aware of what is going on in the world without having it force fed down my throat.. it was my haven, somewhere to escape to share lifes good and fun things... I'm finding life hard enough each and everyday without having reminders of just how crap the real world is.. and what really get's my goat are all the armchair activist's who think they are leading a revolution by posting and sharing all this bollox!!! if they really cared so much why the hell aren't they out there campaigning to run for parliament, or organising protest groups....
Maybe the bubble has burst for me, maybe I have used facebook as far as I can, or maybe I have just grown to rely on it far too much??? I don't know but it sure as hell feels like a different place these last couple of weeks....
What I need are positive happy folk around me, a little sunshine and warmth.. not hatred and negativity..
maybe I should just keep clear for a bit and see how I feel if I go back.. I'm guessing I will go back as I have made some cracking virtual mates... problem is all mine really, I need to blank out the negative and focus on the positive but it is so so hard to not be affected by it all.. it's not their fault I'm over sensitive at the moment, it's just losing you was the most catastrophic thing that could possibly ever happen to me, all the rest is just background noise.. nothing anyone could do to me now could be worse than what I'm already experiencing.. for me January 6th 2013 changed my whole perspective on life, nothing will ever be the same again and the thing's that I thought mattered before then I have come to realise don't mean shit in the great scheme of things.
Lighten up folks... tomorrow may well be too late!!!!!

Well Hayley I have had a full weekend, surrounded by loads of good friends and family but I feel the most alone when I'm in a crowd....I miss you so bloody much, miss our little trips to rummage through tat at our favourite junk shop's, going to miss our fish and chips by the harbour in Rye, but most of all I miss just having you around... everything I do reminds me off you...
I am trying to keep a brave face on it all, trying to get out there and do things, deep breath and forwards we go!!! god this is so so hard....
I love you more as each day passes, the hole you have left is massive.. far bigger than I bet you ever imagined... I will have a future, I will achieve things but sadly none of it will mean half as much without you to share it with....
Love alway's XXXXXXX

Just posted this on facebook, I thought I would write a little something to thank all the folk who have been/are watching out for me, that little something turned into this...

isn't life strange.. a mere 3 months ago I was as happy chappy, things weren't perfect but I had all the things a person really needs in life, a wife (my soul mate and best friend), both parent's and a cool brother and sister, pet's, a nice house, my health (well at least i haven't gone blind yet which is always a bonus!!) and a healthy interest in old vehicles which has given me probably to coolest bunch of mates anyone could wish for.. I had dreams and wishes like anyone else but that's all they were.. if they didn't happen no hassle.. Now nearly a 1/4 of the way through 2013 all that has changed and changed big time... life hit me with the cruelest blow on jan 6th when it took Hayley from me so suddenly.. then and in some form now I could see no future, still struggle but I am making plans.. the Cosmic supply company has also taken note of my life long wish list and dropped some very cool, very tempting offers into my lap at a very opportune time for me.. maybe if I'm lucky, that's where Hayley has ended up.. in the wish list department of the cosmic supply co...
I still miss her massively and I'm still struggling big time trying to get back into normal life, I still have a few massive hurdles to cross before i can really start to look forward, but I am getting help in various forms now...
I would just like to thank all those peeps out there who have been and are watching my back for me, I would buy you all a drink but I don't think that a party that size would do me much good.. it's thanks to you all that I feel i will survive this, I will move forward and I will make Hayley proud of me...
You will see some odd and eccentric behavior from me over the next few day's/month's/years as I readjust my life, Hayley was the organised one, me I'm like a rudderless boat, going where the wind blow's so i do hope she will be out there pointing me in the right direction, I'm sure if she misses something one of you will kick me back on track...
Cheers Phil for posting me this little piece of inspiration... a dream of owning such a cool piece of history is about to come true for me, it won't replace what I have lost but it will certainly help me smile a little again....
Hayley, I don't think this pain will ever fade but in time I guess I will just get used to it, I miss you every waking minute of the day, I hope that wherever you are you are happy... Love now and always SHAUN xxxxx

sorry about my out burst the other day, it was a red wine fueled rant about unscrupulous scum bag's..
Been having a hard few day's, outside influences have been putting a whole heap of pressure on me and my resolve has been a little shaky... Thank you to all who were concerned enough to make contact, you know who you are XX
Probably had the worst Saturday night so far, had made plans to go visit a Hotrod Shop's open night, but failed to find any fellow travelers and I couldn't handle the journey on my own.. spent the evening moving from sofa to study, computer to tv and could I find anything to keep me occupied? could I hell!!! I have never felt so alone as I did last night.. sure I could have picked up the phone and gone out to visit but I have got to be able to feel comfortable with my own company.. I don't do pub's anymore so that's out as an option, mind you there isn't anywhere local to me that I would want to spend either my time or hard earned in even if I was a pub person..
Went into the garage to chat with my rabbit's and disturbed them mid grooming session.. I felt like a gooseberry so left them to it.. I am so glad I have them for company but do wish they were a little more interactive than they are, though it does please me that they are so happy with each other that I am just a necessary part of their lives to supply food and cleaning..means I can leave them alone all day without a worry... still you can't have everything eh!!
That is what I miss so much about not having Hayley around.. we honestly didn't need much in life to be happy, we had each other, our pets and our hobbies.. don't really need much more than that.. well extra sheckles always help's!! Funny thing is, the Cosmic supply company has turned up several of my dream item's recently at good prices, there was a time when this would have made as happy as a dog with 2 tails... now it just makes me thankful I have these interest's to keep me moving.. nothing is the same without Hayley to share it with.. god I miss you missus.. XXXXXXXXXXXXX

quiet evening at home, rabbits in the garage, f**k all on the telly, roast pork for dinner.. not quite the same without you missus.. F****ng creditors have started to hassle me now, how rude and unprofessional is that to send letters demanding money to a person that they have been informed has passed away!!!!! a knife into the heart couldn't feel more painful at this moment...
I WAS happy to settle the debt's but now feel like F*CK em.. take me to court you heartless f**ks!!!
slipped on my non alcohol promise as well.... purchased a bottle of red to do Coq au vin and have mullered it tonight.... sorry H but it is so f***ing hard without you...
missing you more than ever today... love you lot's XXXXXXXXX

round and round and round we go..... can't seem to keep it together for more than a couple of day's at a time... work want me back, I want to go back but i freak at the idea of having to see all those people and try and put a brave face on... got myself a huge problem, going away for the weekend for a bit of breathing space ws good, just what I needed but the idea of coming home fills me with dread, it's not about being at home that I can cope with, its the idea of returning to my life as a single chap which fills me with fear..

Funnily we had talked about this in the past, what happens if one of us goes first.. Hayley said that I would cope better on my own than she would, not so sure of that now!!!! trying to act like the mature adult I'm meant to be!! sadly i still feel like that awkward teenager that I once was, in fact inside still am.... I have a whole world of opportunity before me, things to do, places to see, experiences to try.. things that wouldn't have been possible before.... but know what? they don't mean shit, what is the point of experiences without that special someone to experience them with, or to have at home to go back to with tall tales and far too many photo's..

I keep finding things to keep my mind occupied , hands busy and then comes night time.. close my eyes and the demons appear.. I'm waiting for the day those demon's become angels and my thoughts and memories bring a smile instead of a tear... really don't feel I have made much progress in these last few weeks..

Hayley you were my world, adjusting to life without you is hard, far harder then we ever could have imagined.. you will always be in my heart.. I'm still unsure as to why it happened, why you? I feel no anger as yet just massive disappointment.. worse thing is knowing I can never speak to or hear you again, I can't even convince myself there is a spirit world so we can meet again that way... I just feel so so lost at the moment...

outside I'm smiling, inside I'm dying.... need to get away for a couple of day's so heading off in the Zody... destination Sumoland... nothing at the moment is a match for the pain.sorrow and loss I'm feeling...
I'm trying my best Hayley, really I am XXXXXXXX

Had my first counseling session today via work, shit it was hard!!! think I spent the whole hour in tears.. being back at work doesn't really help even though I was only there briefly... it did help talking to an outsider so with this and my forthcoming bereavement sessions via the NHS I'm hoping to get back on a suitable path towards the future...
Hayley wasn't my whole world though it sure feels like it at the moment.., I did and do have other interest's which we didn't share but Hayley was the icing on my cake, the air in my tires, the fuel for my motor, she was the safe haven if I overstretched myself trying something new.. she gave me the confidence to try..... she was always there quietly in the background pushing me forward.. god I miss you XXXX


 I've found I have developed a morbid fascination for a sky program about a medical examiner who works in the morgue in Orlando Florida and searches to find the cause of sudden death victims, in a strange twisted way it gives me comfort and solace to learn about other people being taken too young...

feeling a little better today for that first session, hopefully it will progress and I will be back functioning as normally as I will be able...

Hey ho forward we go!!! or not as the case may be.. sodding weather is buggering up all my plans.. I need warmth and sunshine.... god that hole that losing someone leaves in you is massive, each day i hope the empty feeling will fade just a tadge, the ache will ease just a little... I don't want the feelings to go away completely, I'm not ready for that yet but just enough for me to function on a daily basis, to be able to spend time in the workshop without everything that reminds me of Hayley reducing me to tears....
Knowing i will never hear that laugh, hear those stupid sayings she was always coming out with.. hear her happily chatting to the cat or the rabbit's is painful.. I spent a good day out with a mate on Sunday, we ventured to a swap meet in Essex, the day was superb but the returning home and not being able to show the missus what tat I had purchased took the edge off somewhat...
It's now over 2 months since my world was blown apart, time is only very slowly making progress in easing the pain, i go 2 or 3 day's without a blip then bang!!!!! something silly triggers a massive relapse.. god I miss Hayley's kindness and thoughfulness daily.. life is proving a major struggle but I will survive, I have to as I have made so many promises to so many people... even though i just want to curl up and sleep....
Fuck this is hard.. love you missus XXXXXXXXX

Dear hayley

I know you can't read this and it really is a pointless exercise but I have a few things I need to say to you. shit my mind has gone completely blank!! I lay in bed or rather on the sofa this morning with a list in my head of things I needed to ask and say to you and can I recall them now!!! buggered if I can.....

well I guess I should have expected it, the storm after a couple of day's calm, had 2 reasonable day's working in the barn, I think I have found my route out of this place I have been dropped into.. it's banging and grinding on my Pop in the barn, very few people around so not overwhelmed but enough of a presence to stop the lonely feeling getting too much of a hold and the surroundings are neutral.. had a real blip mid way through yesterday when the thought entered my head I will never ever receive a call or text from Hayley during a quiet spell at her shop, the loneliness that descended then was almost too much to bear.. I hit a real low for awhile..
Today was never going to be a good day as I had to meet with a solicitor over some problems with Hayley's estate!!! plus I had to pick up the ashes today as well.. walking to my meeting up Tonbridge high street made me painfully aware of just how alone I am now.. sure I have amazing friends and family whose support has been endless and superb but that one special person with whom I chose to spend my life with will never ever be beside me again and christ that makes me sad...
I don't think I have ever or could ever be as low and destroyed as I feel today... thank god for my passion for rust and my 2 little furry rabbit chum's.. without these things I could easily just curl into a ball and fade away.. I won't because A, the rabbits need me and that is a very powerful feeling when you are reluctant to move in the mornings and B, I have made promises to people and Foal Farm that I am going to run at Pendine on the Saltster in Hayley's memory, and if there is one person I will not let down, and I didn't let her down in life so I am not going to start now!!! that's Hayley, this is being done in her memory and my god I am going to try and make it as memorable an occasion as I possibly can...
The pain lessens slightly but only to be replaced with the worse feeling of loss and emptiness....
still loving you missus XXXXXXXXX

Well i can say with great certainty that I hate the world today!!! had a good morning at home, watching the rabbits running free in the garden. Headed off around 12 to go and work on my Pop, met my good mate Nervous Mick at the barn and he had another good mate Rob from work with him.. after a couple cups of coffee they departed and I started work on my truck, mainly working out where the engine and gearbox mounts will go.. quite a successful day except for forgetting to take my drill with me.. had to fight off the tears a couple of times as I found little things that Hayley had thoughtfully got me in the past..... mick returned to the Barn and he finished off the painting of the floor of our new bike storage area.. we both left around 6ish for the journey back home.. now sitting in floods of tears as I haven't got my mate to talk to...
Yup life is shit!!! period....
I am getting longer periods of clarity and calm, but when the gates open boy do they open and if I'm driving I have to pull over... I miss Hayley more today than I have ever before, I got a text whilst up the barn which made my heart stop for a second.. I know this will ease, I know i will survive but just at this moment in time I couldn't care less, all I want is to sit and talk the evening away as we did on oh so many occasions..
Hayley if you can hear me, I love you and I'm missing you more and more as each day passes..
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Well the day has dropped to a massive low, trying to tidy the house as it hasn't been hoovered since I lost Hayley.. it has opened the flood gates massively, I need to speak to the solicitors about the will and everything but I just can't get the words out. I feel like a 3 year old.... not the 49 year old I'm supposed to be.. Deep breath gather yourself and let's go and do it...

haven't posted for a few day's as there hasn't really been any point, just the same old same old!!! each day is pretty much the same as the last, wake with that numb feeling which persists until i go to sleep.. I guess I am improving as I'm not crying quite so much.. ( he said as the tears roll down his cheeks!!) and the anguish has gone.. unfortunately to be replaced by a massive feeling of being lost, rudderless.. I know i will make the other shore but how long it will take me, which direction I will go and what condition I will be in when I arrive??
I'm out and about with good mate's who are keeping me as occupied as their own lives will allow and for that I am immensely grateful, the hard part is not having Hayley here to share it with, we shared pretty much everything in our lives, if it didn't really interest us what the other was up to it didn't matter and we still shared it, after all isn't that what life and being a couple is all about?
I guess it is that loss of my confident, friend and soul mate which i find hard to reconcile.. no amount of time is ever going to mend that one.. I will just have to find the strength to carry on regardless, as one of the motto's hanging in our study say's "Keep Calm and Carry On" trying Hayley, I really am trying..xxxxx

Life's a rollercoaster

I can only look back and realise just how good my life was before that terrible day, I never realised that even when Hayley was at her lowest and it looked like we would lose the house (which I never told Hayley about) life was still good because we had each other.. Hayley often said this saying "that no matter what life would throw at us we would get through it because we had each other" how true that was and how hard it is to face everything alone now, sure I have the most excellent friends and family around me but the one I need most is the one that is missing..
Woke this morning feeling wretched, can't shake that feeling!!! trying to get myself motivated but it sure is bloody hard to do, keep trying to get stuff done in the shed but tears keep blocking my vision!!! only thing I can handle today is time wasting on the computer.. no change there then eh missus? God i hope this pain starts to lessen soon, I need to move forward, I do not want to forget you missus but I have to be able to function properly if I am to do anything good with my life, I just wish there was some way to talk to you as I desperately need your advice...
God I'm missing you xxxxxxxxx

Another day.......

another road trip, not so far this time but into the outer reaches of Londinium.. mood is fair and heart no quite so heavy as i leave the homestead.. the run up was fine and no bother, reached my destination and picked up the stuff for my pendine bike. Run back was again uneventful but the nearer I get to Tonbridge the lower I feel. I thought it was prudent to show my face at work, one so they could see i was still alive and the other so i could see how it felt to be back there. Last time was a disaster but maybe the few weeks since would have changed me!!! not in the slightest, it was good to see some old faces but being amongst so many people really freaked me out.. this is getting worrying as I'm OK with small groups but I'm finding it so hard to hold it together in larger groups.. shit knows when I will start to feel like I am coping... people have asked and even suggested I move house, but it isn't the house that's the problem it's missing Hayley's company that is.. and anywhere i go that will come with me and nothing can change that.. I just have to hang on and ride the storm until the loss is more bearable.. my respect for folk in my position that carry on as normal has risen 100 fold, I just don't know how they cope, sure I can go out and do things, but when the storm hit's it as rough as hell and I'm not capable of driving or anything...
The hardest thing is I still have so many things I want to tell Hayley, a million things I want to ask her... god I long to hear the sound of Emmerdale starting (can't stand the program) as it used to so often as I sat up stairs on the computer, Zeez Hayley I am missing you more as each day passes, I am getting out and about but it all seems so pointless at the moment as I can't share it with you...
Love you xxxxxxx

Road trip

well just home from a weekend away and a little road trip, spent the weekend with my very good mate Sumo who offered to build a new rear end for my Pendine race bike project The Saltster, the weekend went excellently and for the first time i felt I had turned a corner.. big thanks go out to Sumo for not only supplying and building the new rigid rear frame section but for giving up a weekend of his precious time to help me...
Sadly this new frame of mind lasted only until I was driving over the Dartford crossing bridge, by the time I reached the toll booth I was in floods of tears, this lasted until almost home, picking up the critters from my Mum and Dad's helped, it was good to see the little buggers even though they weren't interested in seeing me, having a great time in the garden...
Got myself in and sorted but struggling to keep the tears back.. really do not feel I have made any progress at all.. on the positive side I now have a machine in the garage I can devote my spare time to and keep my mind occupied...
I've just got to say, I am missing you more today than ever missus, the pain doesn't seem to fade but I am moving forward, slowly but surely... xxxxxx

Perfect timing

watching the mind numbing TV, well actually wasn't that bad to be honest.. Last of the Summer Wine.. always been a feel good program for me, drove Hayley made... any way I'm siting watching the box and my phone ring's, its a mate checking to see if I was OK, being as today was Valentines day  etc.. what perfect timing and mucho appreciated mate... life will never be the same again but if I have got one positive thing out of all this, it's realising just how great my family and friends are.... thank you one and all..
let's hope that today is the start of my move back to the light...

Good day then BAM!!!!!

wow.. that was quick!!! having a good solid day today and then Bam!!! just one slight thing triggers the tears... now feeling like that wretched sod i was the otherday... christ my moods are changing quicker than a politicians policy.. think I'm going to watch some mind numbing TV and forget the world for a bit...

Happy Valentines day Hayley xxxx

I don't know why on earth I have posted this... Feb 14 is just another day only it is a day when gullible twit's spend money on things that they should have been buying at random times of the year anyway..

 Flowers are for saying I love you, far better to do it on the spur of the moment than in some fake "romantic" gesture, sadly I was always a little lapse when it came to flowers but when I did buy them the smile I used to get was worth a million pounds!!!

Chocolates again should be purchased as a treat again better done as a surprise..

And as for Champagne... well that is worth drinking to celebrate any and every special occasion, whether it is the first warm evening to sit in the garden and watch the stars, the start of the weekend, nothing on the telly so lets have a drink and a chat.. all these things are worth celebrating and we did that on numerous occasions..
Happiest times of my life were sitting in the garden, bottle of chilled champers or one of the excellent french sparklies chilling in the ice bucket, Hayley by my side and the rabbit's doing what only free ranging rabbit's can and that is Binky... no matter what happens in my life from now on, I have those cherished memories but I'm sure going to miss the hell out those times....

Wow, yesterday sucked!!!

I can now understand it when people say you get good day's and bad day's.. yesterday was obviously a bad day!!! I have never felt so low in my life... I stared straight into a void, not only my future but the present and more concerning was my inner self was empty.. nothing... I thought all the day's upto yesterday had been bad but it was nothing compared to that!! Thankfully I have a pair of furry critters living outside my back door that are still a massive link to Hayley and I cannot and WILL not let them down... I know you don't realise it guy's but you are my salvation....
People have told me it will start to fade.. just wondering how long it will be before it starts? I'm not trying to move on from Hayley, just trying to move forward so that I can become that chap again that she was so proud of, I certainly don't feel it at the moment!!!
Jeez.. this is the hardest battle I have ever had to fight, i thought my world was crumbling when i got diagnosed with chronic Glaucoma aged 40, but with Hayley's love the thought that I might lose my site was bearable.. Just!! now without her support all my fears are re-emerging and I know I have to grab my future with both hands.. for both of us!!! love you so so much Hayley, this is going to be hard but I will endeavour to make you proud, wherever you are XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Bad day today

not having a good day today, think i picked up a chill yesterday and I can't stop shaking.. coupled to that or maybe even because of that i am having a real shit of a day.. my eye's are sore from the near constant crying, I can't settle at anything, tried to have a snooze but failed.. today feels like the worse relapse so far.. work are organizing a Councillor for me to speak to... hope this mood fades quickly as I'm near the end of my tether.. I need to be able to move forward but I can't... I can't even write a nice coherent piece today.. it reads back as disjointed as I am feeling.....

Road trip

had a little run out today, had an errand to run and I thought a trip out would be good for me.. headed down towards new Romney and then onto Camber... bitter sweet experience as it was one of Hayley and my favourite destinations for a short run out, i passed several of the junk shop's that Hayley loved to explore, never tiring of it. Starting to feel like I will never shake this deep sorrow I'm feeling!!! Hayley, I know you will not be able to read this but shit I am missing you so so bloody much, I am getting out and about but I can hardly do a couple of miles without tears in my eyes.. I feel like a complete mess without you, or should that read in-complete because that's how I now feel...
I do know it will fade a little as time goes on but.... hey ho.. head up and forward we go!!!!!!

Just had a moment of clarity, not sure if it is relevant or not!! For nearly 10 years I have been the rock that had supported Hayley, after her Mum passed away and she slipped into depression, I was there for her.. I worked all the hours i could to keep the house from going and spent as much time as possible with Hayley to keep her from sinking deeper, then with the change of shift and the new found confidence Hayley seem to gain from having me home in the evenings she got herself her last job, one which she loved. For the next 5 years I supported Hayley and kept the whole house situation from collapsing, it took massive effort and continual financial juggling for me to achieve this, BUT throughout this whole time I was available to Hayley 24/7 if she needed to talk, a hug a small treat like a trip out etc, I never once refused Hayley anything I thought would help her forward.
We had finally turned that corner, our finances though far from sorted were on the mend.. we were looking forward with hope.. I have now lost that massive purpose that I had in my life and I cannot cope with the void.. I will try and fill it but time is the only healer here.. I miss you so much Hayley.. xxxxx

Another day in paradise NOT!!!

Well i haven't written much for a few day's, been pretty busy out and about trying to get myself back to normality.. well the new normality as the old one is gone for good. Been signed off for another couple of weeks by the doc's, struggling to hold it all together. For the first time in my life I need company when I'm doing stuff!! used to be happy up the barn on my own for hours or off on long road trips with nothing but my thoughts for company.. not anymore.. crave the company of others.. I think it was because I always had my best mate back at base to come home to, always there like a wall of comfort.
The hardest thing to do is leave good friends and head back to an empty quiet house, thank god I have the rabbits to attend to... I am thinking of getting a dog, but I'm not sure my work patterns are very conducive to a new pet, out of the house by 05-15 and not home again until nearly 4pm. I can drop a dog off at my parents on the way into work but that means up at around 4am to get myself, the rabbits and a dog sorted before I head off to work.. I will know when the time is right..
I have the levellers song Julie playing in my head on a loop at the moment.. the line " She felt alone in a crowded room, cried when she heard a happy tune" just about sum's up how I'm feeling. Enjoying some real quality wrenching and spannering time with some good mates but I still feel the most alone I have ever felt in my life..
.I have been advised by the doc to get some counseling and I think I will, being alone for a large portion of the day isn't helping me much but I am not and will not move out and stay with people as that will be a counterproductive move.. I guess the long climb back to light is going to be a struggle when your whole world and future plans are completely blown apart like this...
I am also fighting some resentment when I look at the lowlife trash that slither about on the local estate.. why did it have to be Hayley? why her.. she worked and contributed, never harmed a soul.. all she asked for was a loving husband, a good secure job and and nice home.. there is no answer to that... life just is!!!! end of.....

Missing you today more than ever, tears flow like the rain outside... I am supported by the best friends and family I could possibly have but the one I need is you... love you missus XXXXXX

down but not out... yet

well the day has continued to sink.. find myself in floods of tears caused it seems by anything and everything around me.. trying desperately to pull myself together, thought that it might be because I'm tired.. not sleeping that well but having a snooze this afternoon made it worse, woke up with a tearing anguish and a longing to speak to/hear/touch and smell Hayley..
They say time heals or lessens the pain.. i do hope so as I can't bare to feel like this.. how can you love someone so much that the future looks so grim without them? every thing I have been doing over the past few weeks and I mean the stuff I'm doing with friends is building up inside of me, I so want to tell Hayley all about it, to see that look of "god here we go again" as I try and describe the joy's of being a rustaholic to her.
Talking to the air just isn't the same.. I miss you so so much missus, today even more than ever...
Work have offered me the services of a Councillor, might take them up on it.. my current situation seems to have awoken my long hidden anxiety attacks.. oh the joy's of life.. roll on the brighter weather, i hate the winter with a passion, hate it even more now......

One step forward, 3 steps back...

I know it is going to happen, hopefully less and less. Had a good day yesterday, visited the Foal farm rescue center to hand over some of the money raised in Hayley's memory, so far £270 raised and still more coming in.. I was then picked up in the evening and spent time in the garage of a good mate in the company of another good mate. we had a blast ripping his Jago T Bucket to pieces in readiness for its rebuild.. Home around 11.30 to the emptiness that is now my home.. straight out the back to feed the rabbit's and lock them up for the night.. Bless old Brucie, he was waiting for me and I even got a nudge as I went in.. made me feel a little better..
This morning I woke around 8, got up and fed the Rabbits and let them out into the garden, emptied the garden recycling into the bin and put it out for the dustman, all the normal chores that have been hard to do... then headed for the garage.. thought I would have a tidy up before my mate arrives on friday.. reduced once again to Tears by all the little signs and memento's given to me by Hayley over the years... I now can't shake that deep sorrow and loneliness feeling.. tried motor programs on the TV.. nope.. ahh the computer that works... nope!! feeling a little wretched today and to top it all I am missing my mate so bloody badly it hurt's!!!! strangely I don't feel the need for company.. almost as if I need to ride this day out alone!!!  

Yesterday......

Had a good start to the day yesterday, up and out fairly early on a road trip with a good mate, we were off to pickup some ebay Hotrod bargains that I had won but due to current circumstances hadn't been able to pickup. The trip down to Andover went easily, part's picked up from a top bloke who had stored them for me.. thanks Andrew..
Then onto Basingstoke to another mates workshop to checkup on his Hotrod build and to see another mates new project.. again kourney smooth and visit excellent.. good company and loads of bull-shit talked, did struggle a couple of times when speaking about stuff.. then we had an invite to visit another barn with more projects in, looked over a very cool in progress Volksrod and this brought tears to my eyes as we discussed the build and how he was setting it up for his girlfriend to be able to drive as well.. I have been building my own project to suit me, be-spoke car building I guess you would call.. but I am/was fitting an adjustable drivers seat so Hayley could also drive it....oh well guess I'm going to hit these walls all the time for quite some time to come...
Journey home was again uneventful and parts swapped from Shaun's car over to mine then into his place for a coffee.. Upon leaving his house I was in floods of tears by the time I got into my car.. his home was full of noise and laughter, something I'm missing big time!!! only had to pull over once on my way home when I couldn't see the road through my tears. Stopped off to get Fish and Chips as I didn't fancy cooking when I got in.. shame really as I was the one who spent most of the time in the kitchen..
Arriving home is never going to be the same, I know that.. but I sure do miss Hayley's greetings as no matter how little the time I had been away, whether it was 2 hours or 2 day's she was always pleased to see me.. now i walk in the house is silent.. no Hayley and no Merlin the mog!! so the rabbits got released into the garden and as it was getting dark I took my fish and chips outside and sat with them until it was finally so dark it was better to get them in..
Really didn't fancy the computer so sat and watched a couple of programs (crap to be honest) I had taped... not a very good end to an excellent day, but one that I hope will be come less and less as the day's draw out and I can spend more time outside with my rabbits and in the garage without freezing....

1 step forward

Headed out to my brothers for the evening and was treated to a super home cooked Thai meal, a good(ish) time was had. I then headed for home via Asda for some rabbit supplies as the poor buggers have had a rather boring diet for a few day's as I couldn't face shopping!! that wasn't so bad @ 9pm and the shop was thankfully pretty quiet, find it hard to see couples out shopping at the moment.. went round to the drink's section to pickup some beer for a mate, thought I would treat myself to 1 ale, can't go wrong with that.. couldn't find one beer i fancied drinking!! boy this grief thing does strange things to a person.. me in a drinks section and came away with nothing!!
Got home and that was the worst part, walking into the house and it being empty and silent.. no hug, kiss and greeting from Hayley and no greeting from old Merlin the cat.. we lost her on the 27th December after 19 years with us.. Two of my ladies gone.. the house seems so huge and empty without them... nothing on the telly so an hour on facebook, that felt flat as I guess most of my playmates are out and about.. oh well. bed time now before I lose the battle and start to cry again,, doing OK today.. maybe, just maybe the journey has started....

Well I've made it this far!!

Well today hasn't been that bad so far.. had a real pleasant time with my Sis filling out all the relevant paper work and form's for life insurance, pension etc. the hardest one to fill in was from the Gov... pissed me off no end all the questions they asked.. believe it or not you feckers!!! we both were actually born here, lived here and worked here all our lives.. jeez you made me feel like a bloody criminal!!
Got out of the house today and went for a spin in my loan car, its a 1962 Ford. Yup the same one that reduced me to tears yesterday because Hayley never got the chance to take it for a blast... well I took it around to see its owner and grabbed a coffee with him, his partner and one of his daughter's.. nice little break. But shit on the way back home it must have been national couple's walking hand in hand day.. every where I looked were couple's.. now it is probably always like this on a Sat afternoon but just like everything else you don't notice these things until for some reason your circumstances change like mine has.. was in flood's of tears before I was halfway home... soppy shit i am..
back home and it was clean the rabbit's out time, again this had me in floods of tears because it was something we often used to do together, one would clean and the other would follow with the new bedding...
Now I'm sitting here on the computer trying to occupy my mind, on a normal Sat i would be heading about now into town to "rescue" Hayley from work, it used to feel like a chore sometimes but if I didn't help shut the shop she would have been trapped behind the counter until way past closing time. i would give anything to be trundling across town on my rescue mission right now!!
Planning on going out to visit my Brother this evening, hoping i feel upto it, not so sure at the moment!!
God this is so much harder than I ever could have imagined, maybe I am not as strong as i thought I was? maybe I'm being hard on myself? I guess there isn't a manual to this process and each of us is different.. but it is just so hard going from a 49 year old part of a couple that had been together for over half your life to a single person again, shit i only had 5 years as a single adult (if you count 16 as adult?) so this whole not having someone around is just so alien to me.. plus we didn't lead separate lives either and in the time we were together I only went abroad on my own 3 times (1 day trip and 2 weekends) and in the last 15 years i had started to go away for 1 weekend in the summer, first to the folk festival Cropreddy and then later to the Hotrod Hayride instead, then for the past 4-5 years I have also gone to the Dragon rally and both these events were only weekends. The company I enjoyed oh so much and was such a huge part of my life is missing never to be felt again, I will keep moving forward if only because I can, something which Hayley had stolen from her.
I WILL survive, I WILL keep moving forward but I know for a fact I will never ever be the person I was before, I can't be because that person was shaped by the relationship I was in and kept that way by the person I was with, I can never have what I had with Hayley again, that is gone like dust in the breeze but i will have my memories, no one and nothing can change that!!

Strange old world

It seems funny to me but the things that I thought would make me cry don't, Hayley's clothes in the wardrobe, her coat in the hall, all the signs around the house, her nick knacks and things like that.. instead it's things like receiving her Rabbiting on magazine from the rabbit welfare association through the post, opening the larder door and finding my favourite cooking sauce she had purchased for me.. god I'm crying just trying to write this.. went outside to start my mates car I'm borrowing (blown the gearbox on my truck and didn't want to deprive Hayley of her wheels) and burst into tears because I was going to take the car somewhere quiet in January and she was going to have a go... knowing that she will never be able to take the Pop hotrod out for a spin.. things that shouldn't really matter but seem so important suddenly!! I guess it's those irrational thought's again..
I have told several people today not to have regret's because they hadn't been down to see us or something, what is past is past and we cannot do anything about that and we all did the best we could in our given circumstances, but jeez I am finding it so so hard not to have regrets about the things we planned to do and hadn't achieved yet.. again I can't do anything about that but still it's there, sitting on my shoulder like a mental parrot!!!
Still on a positive note I had a better day today, only wobbled a few times... maybe I'm getting stronger or maybe I have just about cried myself dry!!!

Young, stupid and in love, what else needs to be said.. xxx

Another day another.. well day..

Here we go again, hopefully today is the day I start the journey back to the light.
It is a strange thing life!! yesterday I did have a few wobbles but on the whole I was doing OK.. Until I opened my post to find a couple of letters from my bank, one telling me they had bounced a payment due to insufficient funds and then another to say that they had paid a card payment which had pushed me over my overdraft limit... So I contacted my bank to see what was going on as I wasn't expecting this "other" payment.. turns out it was the insurance company renewing Hayley's car insurance using the card number she supplied them last year, and she didn't need to do anything about it as they would just assume that as she hadn't contacted them she was happy with the new quote.. Well from where I'm sitting that would have been a little hard don't you think!!!! how can they be allowed to just take your money without permission? especially as the insurance was in Hayley's name and the debit card is in mine!!! ruined what was a reasonably positive day.. guess I will get a few of those...

I get on pretty much a daily basis messages of support from friends and family, one of the underlying themes is the regret that they hadn't made the effort to see more of Hayley whilst she was here, well that my good people is a 2 way street and we could have made more of an effort to come and see you.. but with Hayley's depression being what it was she found it hard to socialise, even amongst close friends and family. She coped with life by cocooning herself in her comfort zone which pretty much consisted of home and latterly her excellent job at Mark Maynard's emporium in Tunbridge Wells and her unstinting support of Foal Farm animal rescue, Biggin Hill.
So I say to all of you that feel you have regret's don't, you have nothing to regret, life is what life is.. please try and look back with smiles and then look forward and embrace your loved ones and make Hayley proud by living not for money or material possessions but for experiences, laughter and the making of those oh so important memories.. trust me on this one folk's.. it isn't the furniture, nick knacks or fancy clothes that will bring you any comfort, Hell it isn't even the collection of old motorcycles in the garage (never ever thought I would say that, in fact I used to say Hayley would go before the BSA did!!) but those memories.. I used to say to Hayley when she lusted after some trivial thing, when your old and sitting on your french porch in a rocking chair, it won't be material things you remember but friends, pet's and experiences.. shit how right I was.. except for the old and France bit...
Which brings me back to reality, sitting in my study, rain on the window writing this and watching our squirrel on the bird table.. my future and what does it hold? in the short term I have my Pendine project and the Pop ti finish which I fully plan to do but what then?
Work I think is going to be my biggest issue, When Hayley was ill I managed to swap onto an earlier shift so that I was home in the evenings which were the hardest part of the day for Hayley, this moved boosted her mood incredibly and I know it was a major factor in helping her gain the confidence to apply for the job at Mark Maynards. Sadly my switch was only for a couple of years and I was put back onto my late shift, a move which led me to see a slow decline in Hayley's mood and outlook, which thankfully didn't regress back as far as it had been due to the love and commitment she had for her job. Mark I will be forever grateful to you and Lucy for your support, something I am positive you were completely unaware of.
Towards the tailend of last year I managed to once again get a temp duty switch to a shift that not only gave me my evenings free but also gave me a weekday off that corresponded with one of Hayley's day's off, the change in her was amazing and for the first time in longer than I can remember, since well before her mum's passing nearly 10 years ago I saw my old Hayley emerging from the darkness. She had started a course in interior design,  friends had started to ask advice on their homes and gardens, life looked good..
Sadly it wasn't to be, for some reason fate stole Hayley from me before we could enjoy those better times. I am pleased though that at least near the end Hayley was happier than I had seen her for a long time, we both still had a way to go before our lives were financially back on track, but bless her that isn't something I will have to worry about now as she had got herself insured!! but guess what, i would give it all back in an instant for another couple of years but hey that will never happen.. so all I can do is take Hayley's legacy to me and make the best of a shitty situation.. Maybe that was my fate, to be there for Hayley, see her through the bad times and back into the light? maybe fate has another job for me? who knows but I guess in time I will find out...
 and as for work? well I am not so certain I can go back to my current shift, the shift that was OH SO fucking important to me such a short time ago now feels like it will be a curse in the future, those free day's will always be Hayley's day's and I'm not so sure I'm strong enough to survive that!!

Berlin, one of the many excellent trips we had... I was privileged to have walked the path with you my love, that path is still there but it will never be the same walk..
It has been said it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.. they are in fact correct. And boy did I and still do love you...

Another day!!!

so we find ourselves in another day.. yesterday started well but dissolved into sadness as it went on, I spent much of the day surfing the net trying to find things to blank out the horror of the real world, succeeded for the most part but then when your guard is down it all pours back in!! a friend posted in reply to one of my posts "tick tock" and indeed it is.. the minutes move ever forward towards the day I can accept my loss, celebrate my past and embrace my future... something I am finding so hard to do right now.
The human mind is such a great thing but there are times when it is our biggest enemy, well at least my enemy. irrational thoughts keep edging their way in and making their presence felt... I know they are irrational and are not doing anything good but I just can't stop them coming. Hayley and I made a conscious decision not to have children, we never ever regretted that decision but I can't help wondering if I had small children to look out for my situation would be more controllable? and NO I do not want yours!! again irrational thoughts..
My biggest problem is we spent so much time together, enjoyed each others company, most of our best times were alone in the garden with a bottle of wine and the rabbits playing at our feet.. it will be the simple pleasures that I will find hardest to let go. I am not a pub person, OK I enjoy the rare occasion when I visit the NorKent crew in Knockholt, the bike nights up the Huntsman, Eridge or a few ciders in my mate Sumo's garage but that is really about it for me, I'm OK meeting people in a car park for a Hotrod meet, in a bar at the hayride but my happiest socialising was done in the comfort of my home, in the company of good friends with the best one by my side..
The good friend who commented Tick tock also posted this poem on my facebook page on the day of Hayley's send off..


“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.” David Harkins.

Cheers Phil, it still makes me cry but the wisdom of these words are going to keep me from falling and giving up. Thank you all my family & friends who are at my shoulder, I will survive, I will relapse on occasions as I sometimes feel I'm not strong enough to fight this but please rest assured I will get through this....

sitting, thinking, crying

been having a good day so far, surfing the inter-net and annoying my friends on facebook with loads of random but interesting post's.. suddenly hit with that longing to hear my phone ring and to hear Hayley say " Only me, just thought I'd ring you as the shop is quiet" sobbing my heart out now!!! jeez why do you have to ever love someone so much that to lose them makes you feel this wretched!!
All around me I have good, strong loyal friends but the only one I really need is never going to be here again.... I know this is just me feeling sorry for myself but how do you come to terms with the loss of the greatest friend you could ever wish for??

Morning World

Another day another challenge, except this challenge is the same as yesterday's and the day before's etc and that challenge is to make nightfall without losing it completely, failed yesterday as I have failed everyday so far.. i know I'm expecting far too much to be able to  function as close to normal as possible so soon but I hate this feeling of emptiness that is swamping me.. Strangely I thought it would be the evenings that would be the worse time, alone and with nothing more than crap TV and my Facebook family to keep me sane, but it isn't!! it is the mornings when I awake and see that huge huge void in my life that was so taken up by Hayley that I am struggling to see over, around or through it.
I am surrounded by an amazing network of family, both mine and Hayley's, close friends and my superb virtual family on facebook who are in constant contact and visit's.. but in the word's of the Levellers song " I feel alone in a crowded room, sad when I hear a happy tune" I know time will soften the pain but it is taking all my resolve to contain that pain until it does....
I have my Pendine racer build (check my in-the-shed speedshop blog if interested) for therapy and as a tribute to my smashing wife who supported me in my endeavours no matter how crazy or stupid she thought they were "xx" but try as I might everytime I go to do something in the barn or garage i get this massive jolt of guilt that I am carrying on whilst Hayley can't,, irrational I know but powerful none the less.
I have spoken again with my doctors, it seems that as well as grief I am probably suffering from traumatic stress as Hayley's passing was so sudden and out of the blue I am having considerable trouble accepting it..
Starting this blog was my way of taking my pain from facebook and giving it a new permanent home, writing has and is proving a massive help, I know Hayley can't read any of this but by my putting it down on here help's stop the tumbling thoughts invading my mind 24/7..
god I miss you missus, I would have swapped places with you in an instant but I think you would be coping worse than me.. till we meet again.. love you alway's xx Shaun

Hayley Tonia Veness

Beloved wife, best mate, soul mate and best friend. 16/07/1967 - 06/01/2013 gone but never forgotten.

28th January, the scrapping of the carriage

We said our final farewells today to the body of my beloved Hayley Tonia Veness, when Hayley got inconsolable about the loss of a beloved pet, I used to say to her that the body is like a car, you climb into at the start of your journey (life) and climb out at the end when the spirit no longer needs it, burial is like the scrapping of a car at the end of it's useful life and has nothing to do with with the person/critter that once used it for their own journey, and it did use to help even if it was just a small comfort at the time.
Well today (28th) we "scrapped" the carriage (Hayley was too beautiful to have traveled by car) of Hayley, this is the letter I posted to her spirit on her facebook page:-

"Hayley. Today we are saying goodbye to your body, but I have already said goodbye to your spirit at the hospital. Today is going to be hard but I think the hardest time was seeing you pass away. The sense of loss in that moment is still etched on my mind.. I am trying to take comfort from all the positives in this situation, I am glad you collapsed at home and not alone somewhere, I am glad I was at home to get you help as quickly as i could, however fruiltless it turned out to be. I am glad I was with you for your last few day's here, I am forever grateful it was instant and you didn't know or feel a thing, I was honoured to be able to sit by your side in your last moments of life but more than that I am still honoured that you chose me to be your life partner.
I hope I told you enough what you meant to me, if I didn't then i hope by my actions, loyalty, patience and endless hug's and holding your hand showed you that you were my world.
I am starting a list of things I want to tell you, once completed I am going to burn it as you would have done a letter to Santa Claus as a kid.. I am also starting a list of places you wanted to visit that I will hopefully have the strength and courage to visit one day.
I miss you so so terribly missus but your Rabbits are being a great comfort, you would be proud of me for nursing Cookie through a chill, they are still camped happily in the kitchen, think I may have trouble evicting them!!
Please keep an eye over us and steer me if I start to head in the wrong direction.. I hope there is a spirit world and that you are at peace with all the one's you have loved both 2 and 4 legged, hope Merlin isn't too mean to Timmy!!
I am hoping that once today is past the pain will start to subside and I will start to enjoy the memories without the tears. I will do my utmost to make a success of my future Hayley though that seems so hard and pointless at this current time..
I will love you for tonight and forever...
  Until I can hold your hand again and walk on a french beach with you even if we are but shadows....
your ever loving but completely unprepared for going solo husband Shaun.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"

Hospital, find time to say thankyou

I know that at a time like this, the last thing you think about is the team of people behind the scenes at the hospital who work tirelessly 24/7/365 to do their utmost to either save a life or to make a person as comfortable as thay can in their last hours.
We all hear the horror stories of bad treatment and shoddy care BUT we seldom hear of the good care and excellent treatment that people receive. Well I have been in the fortunate position recently of seeing not only superb and successful treatment ( my 86 year old father had bowl cancer last year and was treated very successfully and has made an amazing recovery) from Maidstone hospital but I have also seen the dignity and respectful treatment of a person who has no hope of recovery from the team at Pembury who cared for my late wife. Everytime they wanted to check something or move her they spoke to Hayley telling her exactly what they were doing and why even though she wouldn't have heard a word. The team even took as much time to explain to me and other members of the family the situation even though we struggled at times to take in what they were saying.. Hayley's team of nurses Anne,Christopher and especially Pauline the night nurse were just superb and I do have to thank with all my heart the organ donor coordinator Jessica for her patience, kind words and constant presence during that heart wrenching time sitting waiting outside the theater waiting for Hayley to pass. Jessica and Pauline made the whole thing bearable.. thankyou both so so much..
I do hope that by reading this, if you have a positive experience no matter the outcome you will take time to publicly thank the hospital's team for their help and dedication, something I feel in this world we do far to infrequently..
So thankyou one and all, you made what was an extremely traumatic and painful time for me one that is to be cherished rather than forgotten, I for one will never ever forget your kindness.. XXX Love, Peace and Respect.. Shaun XXX

January 6th 2013 The day my world imploded

well it actually imploded 2 day's earlier in the wee small hours of Thursday/Friday 3rd/4th when I came down stairs from bed after hearing a strange noise to find my wife of 10 years but partner of 28 collapsed on the floor. A frantic call to the emergency services and we had her in A&E pretty sharpish, well I guess it helps living a mile or so from the hospital but having the Ambulances stationed around 5-7 miles from the hospital seems a little counter productive..
Hayley received immediate attention from the excellent doctors/surgeons on duty that night but sadly it was found that Hayley had suffered a massive burst Aneurism and basically it had been game over for my beautiful missus the moment it had happened.
I won't go into detail of my next 48 hours other than to say I made the decision for Hayley's organs except her Beautiful eye's to be used, a decision that was hard to make at such a hard time but as Hayley had always been so helpful to others I wanted her to be able to help one last time...
Unfortunately hayley had other idea's and survived well past the cut-off time for the team to be able to save the organs for donation... Hayley passed away peacefully at 02-45 am on Sunday 6th January with  me by her side, at that moment my world imploded...

I have been posting on Facebook about my struggle to cope and accept the loss of my Wife, Best mate, Soul Mate and traveling companion (whether those roads were foreign traveled or the just the path of our life) but feel it's time to move forward from that and give everyone a rest, so I am starting this blog just to put down my thoughts and to somehow log my journey back to light, a light that will never be as bright as it once was but one that will be brighter than it is today....