Seesawing between tears and smiles at the moment and my partner commented today “ that I seemed to be in better spirits” but truth be told I’m just hiding it better today. Sometimes I can keep the facade up and act like everything is rosy but somedays the tears push through the cracks and show like yesterday..
I fully intend to beat this cycle, it may not be easy or quick but just like Hayley did I will push through it and then I can consign the facade to the bin!
So yesterday I got the news I had been dreading, Nigel one of my cousins had passed away! He hadn’t been ill for very long but had a very aggressive cancer! Like when we lost Grizz back in ‘21 he cut off all contact with pretty much everyone apart from close family, I understand and support their reasons but it doesn’t make it easy for those wanting to say how much they meant to them and I guess goodbye! Nigel was like a brother to me and we spent loads of time in each others company, I always wanted to be like Nige as he was his own person and did things his way!!
Nigel going after only a few days since we laid Julie to rest is hard. Julie was a big part of the crowd in my late teens and early 20’s and like Nigel is woven into the fabric of my past!!
Since Hayley passing in 2013 I do not handle mortality well, not my own! My going doesn’t faze me ( though I’m not ready to leave Poppy dad less just yet!) at all but its the losing of the folk that I’ve shared my journey with I find difficult and I struggle to let go! Today the world can do one!!
Sitting here in the dark just before 7am alone with the dogs. Another night where I’ve awoken feeling like I haven’t been asleep, feeling so tired at the moment! Not sure if its the tail end of a virus we think I had a couple of weeks ago or the start of another dark episode of depression slowly settling in! Personally I hope its the tail end of a virus as I’ve spoken with other parents at the school gates and they’ve had the same.
Trying my hardest to do everything to prevent the black dog slipping in, but you know I fear he is already here as the apathy, tiredness and grumpy moods are very noticeable recently! Damn I’m tired of this but counselling has finished and I’m really not happy with the thought of drugs as I’ve mentioned before my personal experience with them (both myself and Hayley) is that they just stall the inevitable!! Maybe I’m wrong and should hold my hands up and try? God knows!!
One of the things that surprises me the most is when I talk to folk around me and most are not even aware of the battles going on inside me, I’m not even sure Claire is aware of how bad it is for me at times, how hard it is just to do the most simple of things! The facade I’ve built is pretty damn convincing!!
Yesterday was a grim day, caught me totally by surprise and completely unaware! Saturday was a good day and I got a fair bit of gardening done and then too a friends 60th party which was most enjoyable including my terrible dad dancing with Poppy 🤣 but I awoke yesterday feeling really sad and not a little tired! Tried my hardest to make it a positive day but it was an uphill battle and hands up I know I drank too much which I really don’t think helps my mental health one bit so this week I’m going to try and detox with no alcohol all week, wish me luck!
Today isn’t shaping up to be a very good day as the rain is sheeting it down outside and i could happily disappear into a bottle of whiskey and back to bed but I won’t! I will drag myself into the shower and head off to work just like I always do…
I’ve been a little quiet as I have been trying to be positive and that includes writing nothing negative down but today I’m struggling big time! Trying to keep all my balls in the air and failing! I walked in the woods and I cried and I’m crying again now!!
Work is a real nightmare at the moment, it isn’t the job but the effects of gross mismanagement that has ruined a once world beating company!! I’m not sure there is way back from this!!
I’m really not sure how much more of this my mental health can take but I only have 7 years left and I really do not wish to start again but I may well have to!!
And today I’m missing my old hound Harvey massively! Both dogs have been complete arses and I’m really missing old Harv’s laidback and chilled personality!! Nothing that isn’t repairable has happened but today I could quite happily be a non dog owner!!
Coupled to this I have a funeral on thursday for a friend who departed suddenly and prematurely at only 58! Neil was a special guy, larger than life and always on the go and would take you along in his slipstream!! Really not looking forwards to thursday!!!
So its back to work today, now I’ve never been a fan of working for a living but hey ho needs must etc but this time the resigned feeling I’ve got because I know I have to go deal with the twerp that is my current manager, guess we have been so lucky with our past bosses but this current one!!! Give me strength, I know I’m going to need it!!
So last week we headed off to Paris in our old camper, and unlike previous trips where I get excited before we leave I spent the preceding days fucking high on the anxiety ladder!! So bloody bad that I wasn’t sure I could actually make the trip!! BUT I have a partner and a daughter who were high on excitement for the trip so what could I do? I did what I believe most caring folk would do and I swallowed my anxiety and bloody got on with it!! I’m so fucking glad I did as the trip was amazing, weather not so as it rained so hard at times Noah would have freaked!! The Hippy Wagon (camper) performed flawlessly and the camp site was perfectly placed if a little basic.
The turning point for me was my partner getting down on one knee and proposing to me at the top of the Tour Eiffel.. I am still speechless!! I returned home on a massive high but sadly it didn’t last!! Today I learnt of the passing of a very very good friend and to say I’m devastated is so fucking wide of the mark!!! Why oh why can’t we be allowed to enjoy a high without some negative shit being thrown at our feet!!
Today I am most thankful to my daughter for being here, bringing me un-filtered love just when I needed it the most!! Life sucks then you die!!!
Well I’ve been surfing a high for a bit, the anxiety has been there in the background advancing and retreating like waves lapping on a beach but yesterday it was back full blown!! It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling but the easiest word to use is disappointed! I look back on my life and I’m deeply disappointed!! I’ve not achieved a fraction of the things I’d set out to do and if I’m honest I feel I’ve only managed 2 things of note, the first was seeing Hayley through her years of depression up to the point where it looked like she had finally pushed past it and was in control if her life again! It was hard both mentally and physically and did take its toll on me which I’m feeling the affects of now!! And the second is bringing Poppy into the world! She is such a light in my darkness and probably the main reason I continue to get up in the mornings though I do question my sanity at times bringing her into this world but the good people is what this world needs more of!! I guess there is possibly a third achievement and that was keeping a roof over our heads when the odds were so stacked against me!
Believe me it wasn’t for the lack of trying, I put so much effort into surviving when things got hard but circumstances just kept pushing me back! I could have taken the easy option but that isn’t how I was raised, you try your best to do the right thing even if it slowly kills you in the process!
I try and be positive about what I have achieved but on the whole I look in the mirror and the person I see disappoints me and I’m really not sure that I like him that much!! Thankfully my friends don’t seem to see who I see and I’m making it my mission to see the person they see!!
I turn 60 this year and that scares the fuck out of me!! Not because it’s particularly old but because time is running out for me to taste life to the full! If I’m blessed with the luck to live to my parent’s and grandparents ages I have another 25-30 yrs left and I need to make the most of that, I need the freedom from work to allow me the time to fit everything in! But I also need the finances to achieve that!
Maybe I dream too much! But some folk seem to achieve loads without visibly trying and yet I struggle day by day to get just a little of what I’m after…
Life isn’t for the faint hearted and sometimes I wish I’d never woken up but wake up I do and every time that happens I’m going to do my best and I really need to pull myself out of this hole I find myself in and start living… the clock is ticking….
Well I just get positive results from the cancer clinic that everything is stable and I get more negative from the glaucoma clinic!! My specialist isn’t happy that the meds are keeping my eyes stable so I’ve been referred to another consultant with regards to an operation!! Now if successful it will mean my eyes will only degrade as per aging without the accelerated help of the glaucoma, I’ve yet to investigate the risks as I have to admit it scares the fuck out of me!!
I can’t complain as I’ve had a bloody good run for my money health wise but I really wish the depression and anxiety would do one as it doesn’t make decision making an easy task!! But at least the rain has stopped and the sun is trying to push through!! Oh how the blue skies and warmth from the sun make the world a whole better place!!
I haven’t blogged for a bit, finding time to write when my head has the words ready is far harder than having the time to write when I have nothing to say!!
Anyway I have been mining a high since the weather broke and apart from the negative glaucoma news things have been pretty stable, I managed to stave off a massive anxiety attack that was on the verge of erupting as we struggled to get the camper sorted for our annual pilgrimage to Pendine!! Brake line failure, crushed hand, mot failure and a massive repair job ( good mates are priceless!!!) and the near final straw the completely flat battery the morning before departure!! all were pushing me towards a big attack but positive thinking, deep breathing and mindfulness and in no small part the support from Claire and my close group of mates who went above and beyond!!
Pendine was epic, 04:30 departure on sat morning had us on the beach around 10am and then 2 full days in the sunshine watching Vintage Hotrods thrash up the beach and then the epic 4pm departure and final arrival back on the driveway 10pm.. a tad short of 600 mile roundtrip in under 44hrs.. as I said epic!!
The sunshine has been a much needed boost to my mental wellbeing apart from the rash of negativity on the socials because we had it over 25 for a few days!! God the british!! These past few days have had me slipping a little as rain and greyness have returned but the weekend proved to be better with garage time on sat with a good mate and then out to a bbq for a friends 38th birthday, always makes me chuckle that I’m a year younger than her mum 🤣
But today I can feel the icy fingers of depression sliding across my back, good time walking to school with Poppy and then up into the woods alone with the dogs but as I neared home I could feel that hesitation that knowing what the day is bringing!! Its not that I hate my job I think its the predictable sameness that I’m currently finding hard to move past but my confidence levels are not yet high enough to jump into the unknown!!
So I had my yearly check up today and whilst my current condition is not a cause for alarm the chap I saw isn’t happy with the levels of glaucoma i have and the damage 20yrs (since I was diagnosed!!) of it has caused my eyes! I’m currently still well within the thresholds for driving with my eyesight but the gap between irreparable and irreversible damage is closing!! So he is seeking another opinion from another consultant!! Oh the joy of getting older!! Feeling a little jaded today..
Walking the dogs this morning my mind was it’s usual washing machine churning self! But this hour is my time to sort out my thoughts and prep myself for the day ahead, I’m convinced that without this time I would have missed so much more work time!! Anyway the prevailing thought was how anxiety has taken the place of depression at the moment, personally I prefer depression over anxiety as I seem to have all my coping strategies in place to be able to continue to function whilst depressed! Sure I struggle with motivation whilst depressed and often miss things because of it BUT my day to day life like work etc remains relatively un affected.
Anxiety is a whole different ball game for me, I’d been pretty much anxiety free for quite sometime now but recent events at work have just pushed that button!! I’ve suffered with chronic glaucoma in both eyes for over 20 years now and whilst I don’t find it easy living with the constant threat to my sight the treatment has been bloody good! The DVLA are aware of this and along with the NHS monitoring my condition my employers have been more than happy. Last year I get a new boss, now every so often we have to fill in a form about our health etc for driving for the company and I always declare my glaucoma. Well this time my new boss decides that this isn’t good enough and asks for an occupational health review! Now he tells me this has been triggered by my declaration of glaucoma, so I ask why its suddenly flagged up after 20yrs and he can’t answer! Turns out that when I had my interview the lady told me it wasn’t triggered by the company but by a question HE had asked about whether I was fit to do my job!! and in her honest opinion she was wasting my time as the DVLA would revoke my license way before it became an issue!! And she should know as she also does the interviews on behalf of the DVLA!
To say I’m not happy is a massive understatement and all this was happening at the time I was being diagnosed with prostrate cancer but we still didn’t know how far advanced it was and I’d also just lost or was close to losing Harvey my hound!! I was already struggling mentally and suddenly I had the fear I could be taken off driving and even lose my job, if he had hit me with a baseball bat it couldn’t have done anymore damage!! And to top it all off I’ve since found out I did not need to declare my glaucoma as its a long standing condition!! I feel my integrity has been questioned, I’ve been lied to and a whole unnecessary level of stress has been sent my way for absolutely no good reason other than his desire to fuck with folks lives!! And I’m not the only one!!
Anyway I felt I needed to write this down and get it out of my head as its starting to go sour in there and I’m hoping that by laying it out it will start the healing process!!
Not a good one today! Its 1 year exactly that I lost my beloved hound Harvey and the levels of grief I feel are in comparison to those I felt for Hayley! I’ve never felt the level of loss this big for a pet before but then again Harvey wasn’t just a pet, he was my wingman and it is thanks to him I am still here to write this… after losing Hayley I plummeted into the lowest depths imaginable but I had the rabbits to get me up in the mornings as they needed feeding, cleaning etc but it was good old Harvey that got me out the house on my own. Sure i’d got really good mates and family looking out for me but they couldn’t be there 24/7 so it was the hound and me on a daily basis and it was him that intervened when the bleakness got too much and I could see no way out of it except flicking the switch!! Harvey seemed to know and would come and sit by me and lay his head on my lap and I’d realise that I couldn’t possibly go anywhere! Damn I miss him!!
Somedays I wake full of hope that I’m going to beat this bleakness and others I awake to the feeling I’m drowning in it! There does not seem to be a pattern, it feels like it just happens!! Today is one of those days I could happily not have woken, the sky is drab, its chilly and there is no guarantee the sun is going to shine!! But as difficult as it is, now I’m awake I will do the best I can to make today a good day… why you may ask? (Or maybe you won’t!!) because if I throw in the towel its a bit like dropping a stone into a still pond, the ripples reach far further than you realise! it not only affects me but it will affect Claire and Poppy and I just cannot allow that to happen!! Good or bad, right or wrong I will head into the day with a smile on my face no matter how fake it is……
Trouble is today I have that nagging thought that I have a gun to my head, once we get the results of my 2nd blood test back and I have the mri scan we can move forwards with the decision as to which treatment i go for! Neither options fill me with much enthusiasm! If I go brachytherapy there is the chance it will not work and I have since discovered that surgery would then not be an option so surgery should be the way to go but… always that but!! There is the greatest possibility that it will be game over for my sex life and at 59 I feel that I’m not ready for that!! Having a choice is sometimes a very mixed blessing….
After the gloom and cold of the past couple of days I had really hoped for a better day today but alas its not to be!! This greyness and chill really saps any positivity i have!! I met with my councillor yesterday, my sessions are meant to have ended but the negative news regarding my prostrate cancer and my rising psa has got my anxiety climbing to almost new heights! I feel that the depression has subsided quite a bit but the void its left has been quickly filled with negative thoughts and most of them are totally irrational but try telling my mind that!! Today I could have quite happily not woken up and try as I might I can’t push past this gloom!! I really don’t ask for much from life and I expect even less but please some blue skies and warm sun, its all I need!!
Yesterday a Swedish member of the Panther owners club dropped off some parts, one of which is as rare as rocking horse poo and for the briefest of moments I was buzzing but that was sadly short lived!! Claire and Poppy have just left to meet friends in Hastings and I more than anything wish to be with them but even if I could be today I really think they are better off without this gloomy arse!!
After Saturday and Sunday being reasonably pleasant but yesterday having that cold wind I was looking forwards to some warmth today but i was up early with the dogs and i opened the blinds on the back door to be greeted with an overcast sky and winds and I could feel the gloom engulf me like the reapers cloak!!
It seems relentless at the moment! The endless lows, close to tears and the feeling that i cant go on.. but go on i will, i always do!! Had cause to celebrate yesterday as i got the results back from my blood tests, everything as it should be apart from that damn psa but for a brief moment i felt positive but this morning the gloom is back! This is the longest period of depression I’ve ever had i think, well i’m not sure it ever really went away but this has been the longest feeling of despair that i can recall!! Whether its because of losing Harvey or am i struggling with the loss because of this episode? Who knows but it is certainly challenging my resolve!
I’ve stopped posting on FB about how i feel, i need to give my friends breathing space! Maybe not the correct thing to do but i’m posting here so I’m letting it out which is the whole point! Talking with one of my customers the other week and i mentioned that hitting 60 is scaring the hell out of me! I was so surprised when she turned round and said she had felt exactly the same just a few short weeks previously, in fact she said she had almost had a breakdown over it!! Now i’ve never been one to worry about age, always said its how you feel that is important! But somehow turning 60, for the first time feels old! Irrational? Its just the feeling that the door is closing and I’m running out of time to do some of those things I’ve long dreamt of!! I’m incredibly lucky that I’m still as active as i am and long may that continue and hopefully I’ll be like my parents and still very active into my 80’s and even 90’s like my dad!! But i still hanker for adventure, I would love to travel for a bit, not just holiday but proper travel!!
My hands are tied at the moment as i do not have the time for everything and at this particular moment in time spending time with Poppy is at the top of my list as i know I’m not going to be here for her forever and being an older dad does shorten that time so making good strong memories is oh so important to me!! Writing that has just started the tears!! My god i wish i could control this!!
So another Monday another crash!! Usual cycle but today it feels that little bit deeper.. I’m tired and I’ve had enough, life just keeps throwing shit at me!! I’m sure its all for a reason but I feel stupid not being able to understand it!! I need to do something as I cant carry on like I am because I’m sure the damage will start to be done soon to those around me..
I’ve often thought about going back on medication but I really don't feel that is the right way, 25 plus years of watching Hayley on pills and all it seemed to do was suppress the emotions until they could be contained no longer and BOOM meltdown time! Also my brief time on it for anxiety and then depression wasn't the best of times for me and i cant help but feel that unless your prepared to spend the rest of your days on pills then you will have to face your demons one day anyway so why not now!!
That being said I really would like just a brief period of calm without all of the self destructive thoughts hammering away at my head!! The slightly negative review with the cancer clinic hasn't helped and my anxiety has me blowing it well out of pre-portion but if they’ve got the diagnosis of my non aggressive cancer wrong what else might they have missed? I’m so tired of life at the moment but I’m really not ready for it to stop but man I really don’t know how to ignite that spark again!!
Just off the phone to a clinical nurse at the cancer unit and my psa has risen so I’m being removed from the monitoring list and will need either treatment or removal of the prostrate!! Not the result I’d hoped for and to be honest more than a little scared! Dealing with this whilst struggling with anxiety and depression hasn’t been easy and I don’t really know where I’m going with this….
So about the same time last year as I was realising something serious was wrong with my Harvey I find out something serious was wrong with me!! I’d started the year with a bad back and then developed an uncomfortable feeling in my side which we at first put down to the medication but my doctor decided to run a few blood tests just to see if anything else was amiss and she added the PSA (if your male and over 50 you should know all about the psa test and if you don’t research it because it could just save your life!!) because “I’m of that age”.
The psa came back with a slight high reading so I had the manual test and an enlarged prostrate was found, not worrying in itself but it can mean cancer so I was booked for a scan. Now once the C word starts getting used doors open and things move quickly and I soon had the appointment. Around this time we discovered that Harvey had a very aggressive form of lymphoma and was given weeks to live without treatment. I asked the docs about his quality of life and would he still be able to enjoy his walks etc if he was treated and they could give me no definite answer so it was away to think about it.
Back to me, the scan revealed an anomaly on my prostrate which could be cancer so I was booked in for a biopsy. Meanwhile Harvey’s decline was quick and with no guarantee that he would improve I took the very hard decision not to put him through long invasive treatments and let nature take its course. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do as I wanted him to live for ever but only if he was himself and not just a shell I’m keeping alive!!
On June 9th 2022 I lost Harvey and then had to go for my biopsy which revealed I had a high percentage of cancer in my prostrate but it was a low grade non aggressive variant. Best of a bad job I guess but the worm had got in my head that the bad back, side discomfort and the cancer were all linked and I was on borrowed time! I’d walk Poppy to school quietly asking myself how many more of these am I going to get!! I started to look at the world with different eyes, thinking you have the reaper looking over your shoulder is a sobering experience, eventually after more tests they confirmed that the cancer had not spread and my back and side were not connected! The relief was incredible but the damage done to my mind was already there!
I’m currently on the monitoring list for the cancer, both the recommended treatments come with “effects” I’m not happy about, if I opt for removal there is a massive chance I will lose my ability to make love and at 59 I’m not ready for that! Not with a gorgeous younger partner!! And if I go for the brachytherapy route (which is my preferred option) Poppy wouldn’t be allowed near me for over 3 months due to her age and the radiation I’ll be giving off and I’m not sure I can handle that, her hugs keep me afloat when the depression wants to drag me under!! Now if monitoring wasn’t an option and treatment was needed this decision would be a lot easier!
So we come to this week, after weeks of waiting I’ve finally had my first psa test since diagnosis on Tuesday and I’m awaiting my phone consultation later today with the cancer specialist. But when they took my bloods at the docs they decided to run tests on my liver, kidneys, diabetes and cholesterol and yesterday at 17:59 I get this text from the docs
“ Dear Mr Veness,
I have reviewed your result. Please contact the surgery and book a review with the GP within 1 week.
Thank you, Dr …….”
To say my anxiety is off the scale isn’t an exaggeration!! I already feel I’m on borrowed time, which is irrational as my cancer is treatable but that’s how my brain is working!! Which brings me back to the depression which I now believe is being fuelled by the fear I’m running out of time!! I’m not scared of death, watching Hayley pass has rid me of that fear but it’s the fear of leaving Poppy fatherless, not having made enough memories!! I struggle everyday with the grind that is the work/life routine but I really don’t know how to break out of that cycle! Half of me wishes to cut the ropes and sail off and disappear and the other half knows it isn’t that simple!
So in another step on my road back to the old me, if that person still exists! We adopted another dog from Foal Farm, the same place i rescued my departed wingman Harvey T Hound from. She has been with us for a couple of days now and is fitting in a treat, over the past few weeks I’ve felt the need to bring another lost soul into our family for a couple of reasons, 1 to help me heal from the loss of Harvey and 2 to help distract me as I figure out how I’m going to progress with my prostrate cancer treatment. This is something I’ve had to do without the company of my beloved Harvey who I always turned to when down, I have the most wonderful partner and daughter but it was always Harvey who I relied on!! My ongoing struggle with depression and anxiety is really grinding me down and add the cancer to the mix and I’m just about done mentally! I am so tired I sometimes don’t know if I can carry on but I always do!!
I’m currently being monitored for the cancer as it’s a low grade and probably if I wasn’t depressed this wouldn’t be an issue but I’m currently struggling with knowing I have this thing inside me which is potentially life shortening and maybe I should “get it sorted”. Herein lies the other problem I’m struggling with, if I go for the brachytherapy my 8yr old daughter will not be allowed anywhere near me for 2- 3 months due to the radiation and I’m not sure I could handle that as her hugs are one of the main things that keep me fighting and if I opt for removal there is a very high risk of impotency and incontinence and I don’t feel ready for that yet!! Now if treatment was needed to save my life the decision would be so much easier!!
I know I’m lucky with my diagnosis but the constant nagging from the dark side of my brain just blows everything out of proportion and adds to the struggle! I’m hoping that by writing it down it will slowly settle into its correct places and I can rationally make clearer decisions.
So I have decided to resurrect the blog, I really wish to write more and express the battles I'm having with my brain but finding the publicicity of FaceBook a little overwhelming and I really do not wish to drive my friends away with my constant negative posts.. god knows I complain about the negativity on FB enough!!
Here I can express myself with very few people reading.. for those 1 or 2 that find me buckle up and enjoy the ride.. it will possibly be dark and disturbing ... X
So today I dropped the ball big time, I was in the kitchen talking to Claire whilst I prepared Poppy and her lunches when it hit like a hurricane! Uncontrollable tears, I couldn’t speak!! Where it came from I do not know but come it did!! I hid myself over by the sink until it had subsided as I really do not wish Poppy to witness this too often, bless her she worries enough about things as it is! ( over thinker like me sadly!) It was gone as quick as it came but has left me with that awful feeling of bleakness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. One of the factors I’m guessing that is contributing to my current mood is the fact that in the last just over 4 years I’ve lost 4 of the most important beings in my life! Mum Xmas 2018, Dad Jan 2020, Grizz May 2021 and Harvey June 2022, nope I don’t handle loss very well since Hayley!
So far the time spent with Poppy walking to school has been the only brightness today, even the weather has turned gloomy now!
So I’m currently sitting on the sofa with Hunter, tears not far away trying my hardest to be positive. Working it out I’ve been dealing with depression from one side of the fence or the other for around 38 years now and I’m so tired of it! It’s time it left me alone!!
Work today? I’m really not sure tbh, I have a cancer review with my doctor tomorrow that is playing on my mind plus I’d like some answers about the current pain in my hand!! Man all I feel like I’ve done recently is complain and I hate myself for that, where o where has the good Shaun gone 😢
