Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Well the day has dropped to a massive low, trying to tidy the house as it hasn't been hoovered since I lost Hayley.. it has opened the flood gates massively, I need to speak to the solicitors about the will and everything but I just can't get the words out. I feel like a 3 year old.... not the 49 year old I'm supposed to be.. Deep breath gather yourself and let's go and do it...
haven't posted for a few day's as there hasn't really been any point, just the same old same old!!! each day is pretty much the same as the last, wake with that numb feeling which persists until i go to sleep.. I guess I am improving as I'm not crying quite so much.. ( he said as the tears roll down his cheeks!!) and the anguish has gone.. unfortunately to be replaced by a massive feeling of being lost, rudderless.. I know i will make the other shore but how long it will take me, which direction I will go and what condition I will be in when I arrive??
I'm out and about with good mate's who are keeping me as occupied as their own lives will allow and for that I am immensely grateful, the hard part is not having Hayley here to share it with, we shared pretty much everything in our lives, if it didn't really interest us what the other was up to it didn't matter and we still shared it, after all isn't that what life and being a couple is all about?
I guess it is that loss of my confident, friend and soul mate which i find hard to reconcile.. no amount of time is ever going to mend that one.. I will just have to find the strength to carry on regardless, as one of the motto's hanging in our study say's "Keep Calm and Carry On" trying Hayley, I really am trying..xxxxx

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Life's a rollercoaster

I can only look back and realise just how good my life was before that terrible day, I never realised that even when Hayley was at her lowest and it looked like we would lose the house (which I never told Hayley about) life was still good because we had each other.. Hayley often said this saying "that no matter what life would throw at us we would get through it because we had each other" how true that was and how hard it is to face everything alone now, sure I have the most excellent friends and family around me but the one I need most is the one that is missing..
Woke this morning feeling wretched, can't shake that feeling!!! trying to get myself motivated but it sure is bloody hard to do, keep trying to get stuff done in the shed but tears keep blocking my vision!!! only thing I can handle today is time wasting on the computer.. no change there then eh missus? God i hope this pain starts to lessen soon, I need to move forward, I do not want to forget you missus but I have to be able to function properly if I am to do anything good with my life, I just wish there was some way to talk to you as I desperately need your advice...
God I'm missing you xxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Another day.......

another road trip, not so far this time but into the outer reaches of Londinium.. mood is fair and heart no quite so heavy as i leave the homestead.. the run up was fine and no bother, reached my destination and picked up the stuff for my pendine bike. Run back was again uneventful but the nearer I get to Tonbridge the lower I feel. I thought it was prudent to show my face at work, one so they could see i was still alive and the other so i could see how it felt to be back there. Last time was a disaster but maybe the few weeks since would have changed me!!! not in the slightest, it was good to see some old faces but being amongst so many people really freaked me out.. this is getting worrying as I'm OK with small groups but I'm finding it so hard to hold it together in larger groups.. shit knows when I will start to feel like I am coping... people have asked and even suggested I move house, but it isn't the house that's the problem it's missing Hayley's company that is.. and anywhere i go that will come with me and nothing can change that.. I just have to hang on and ride the storm until the loss is more bearable.. my respect for folk in my position that carry on as normal has risen 100 fold, I just don't know how they cope, sure I can go out and do things, but when the storm hit's it as rough as hell and I'm not capable of driving or anything...
The hardest thing is I still have so many things I want to tell Hayley, a million things I want to ask her... god I long to hear the sound of Emmerdale starting (can't stand the program) as it used to so often as I sat up stairs on the computer, Zeez Hayley I am missing you more as each day passes, I am getting out and about but it all seems so pointless at the moment as I can't share it with you...
Love you xxxxxxx

Monday, 18 February 2013

Road trip

well just home from a weekend away and a little road trip, spent the weekend with my very good mate Sumo who offered to build a new rear end for my Pendine race bike project The Saltster, the weekend went excellently and for the first time i felt I had turned a corner.. big thanks go out to Sumo for not only supplying and building the new rigid rear frame section but for giving up a weekend of his precious time to help me...
Sadly this new frame of mind lasted only until I was driving over the Dartford crossing bridge, by the time I reached the toll booth I was in floods of tears, this lasted until almost home, picking up the critters from my Mum and Dad's helped, it was good to see the little buggers even though they weren't interested in seeing me, having a great time in the garden...
Got myself in and sorted but struggling to keep the tears back.. really do not feel I have made any progress at all.. on the positive side I now have a machine in the garage I can devote my spare time to and keep my mind occupied...
I've just got to say, I am missing you more today than ever missus, the pain doesn't seem to fade but I am moving forward, slowly but surely... xxxxxx

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Perfect timing

watching the mind numbing TV, well actually wasn't that bad to be honest.. Last of the Summer Wine.. always been a feel good program for me, drove Hayley made... any way I'm siting watching the box and my phone ring's, its a mate checking to see if I was OK, being as today was Valentines day  etc.. what perfect timing and mucho appreciated mate... life will never be the same again but if I have got one positive thing out of all this, it's realising just how great my family and friends are.... thank you one and all..
let's hope that today is the start of my move back to the light...
Good day then BAM!!!!!

wow.. that was quick!!! having a good solid day today and then Bam!!! just one slight thing triggers the tears... now feeling like that wretched sod i was the otherday... christ my moods are changing quicker than a politicians policy.. think I'm going to watch some mind numbing TV and forget the world for a bit...

Happy Valentines day Hayley xxxx

I don't know why on earth I have posted this... Feb 14 is just another day only it is a day when gullible twit's spend money on things that they should have been buying at random times of the year anyway..

 Flowers are for saying I love you, far better to do it on the spur of the moment than in some fake "romantic" gesture, sadly I was always a little lapse when it came to flowers but when I did buy them the smile I used to get was worth a million pounds!!!

Chocolates again should be purchased as a treat again better done as a surprise..

And as for Champagne... well that is worth drinking to celebrate any and every special occasion, whether it is the first warm evening to sit in the garden and watch the stars, the start of the weekend, nothing on the telly so lets have a drink and a chat.. all these things are worth celebrating and we did that on numerous occasions..
Happiest times of my life were sitting in the garden, bottle of chilled champers or one of the excellent french sparklies chilling in the ice bucket, Hayley by my side and the rabbit's doing what only free ranging rabbit's can and that is Binky... no matter what happens in my life from now on, I have those cherished memories but I'm sure going to miss the hell out those times....

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Wow, yesterday sucked!!!

I can now understand it when people say you get good day's and bad day's.. yesterday was obviously a bad day!!! I have never felt so low in my life... I stared straight into a void, not only my future but the present and more concerning was my inner self was empty.. nothing... I thought all the day's upto yesterday had been bad but it was nothing compared to that!! Thankfully I have a pair of furry critters living outside my back door that are still a massive link to Hayley and I cannot and WILL not let them down... I know you don't realise it guy's but you are my salvation....
People have told me it will start to fade.. just wondering how long it will be before it starts? I'm not trying to move on from Hayley, just trying to move forward so that I can become that chap again that she was so proud of, I certainly don't feel it at the moment!!!
Jeez.. this is the hardest battle I have ever had to fight, i thought my world was crumbling when i got diagnosed with chronic Glaucoma aged 40, but with Hayley's love the thought that I might lose my site was bearable.. Just!! now without her support all my fears are re-emerging and I know I have to grab my future with both hands.. for both of us!!! love you so so much Hayley, this is going to be hard but I will endeavour to make you proud, wherever you are XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Bad day today

not having a good day today, think i picked up a chill yesterday and I can't stop shaking.. coupled to that or maybe even because of that i am having a real shit of a day.. my eye's are sore from the near constant crying, I can't settle at anything, tried to have a snooze but failed.. today feels like the worse relapse so far.. work are organizing a Councillor for me to speak to... hope this mood fades quickly as I'm near the end of my tether.. I need to be able to move forward but I can't... I can't even write a nice coherent piece today.. it reads back as disjointed as I am feeling.....

Monday, 11 February 2013

Road trip

had a little run out today, had an errand to run and I thought a trip out would be good for me.. headed down towards new Romney and then onto Camber... bitter sweet experience as it was one of Hayley and my favourite destinations for a short run out, i passed several of the junk shop's that Hayley loved to explore, never tiring of it. Starting to feel like I will never shake this deep sorrow I'm feeling!!! Hayley, I know you will not be able to read this but shit I am missing you so so bloody much, I am getting out and about but I can hardly do a couple of miles without tears in my eyes.. I feel like a complete mess without you, or should that read in-complete because that's how I now feel...
I do know it will fade a little as time goes on but.... hey ho.. head up and forward we go!!!!!!
Just had a moment of clarity, not sure if it is relevant or not!! For nearly 10 years I have been the rock that had supported Hayley, after her Mum passed away and she slipped into depression, I was there for her.. I worked all the hours i could to keep the house from going and spent as much time as possible with Hayley to keep her from sinking deeper, then with the change of shift and the new found confidence Hayley seem to gain from having me home in the evenings she got herself her last job, one which she loved. For the next 5 years I supported Hayley and kept the whole house situation from collapsing, it took massive effort and continual financial juggling for me to achieve this, BUT throughout this whole time I was available to Hayley 24/7 if she needed to talk, a hug a small treat like a trip out etc, I never once refused Hayley anything I thought would help her forward.
We had finally turned that corner, our finances though far from sorted were on the mend.. we were looking forward with hope.. I have now lost that massive purpose that I had in my life and I cannot cope with the void.. I will try and fill it but time is the only healer here.. I miss you so much Hayley.. xxxxx
Another day in paradise NOT!!!

Well i haven't written much for a few day's, been pretty busy out and about trying to get myself back to normality.. well the new normality as the old one is gone for good. Been signed off for another couple of weeks by the doc's, struggling to hold it all together. For the first time in my life I need company when I'm doing stuff!! used to be happy up the barn on my own for hours or off on long road trips with nothing but my thoughts for company.. not anymore.. crave the company of others.. I think it was because I always had my best mate back at base to come home to, always there like a wall of comfort.
The hardest thing to do is leave good friends and head back to an empty quiet house, thank god I have the rabbits to attend to... I am thinking of getting a dog, but I'm not sure my work patterns are very conducive to a new pet, out of the house by 05-15 and not home again until nearly 4pm. I can drop a dog off at my parents on the way into work but that means up at around 4am to get myself, the rabbits and a dog sorted before I head off to work.. I will know when the time is right..
I have the levellers song Julie playing in my head on a loop at the moment.. the line " She felt alone in a crowded room, cried when she heard a happy tune" just about sum's up how I'm feeling. Enjoying some real quality wrenching and spannering time with some good mates but I still feel the most alone I have ever felt in my life..
.I have been advised by the doc to get some counseling and I think I will, being alone for a large portion of the day isn't helping me much but I am not and will not move out and stay with people as that will be a counterproductive move.. I guess the long climb back to light is going to be a struggle when your whole world and future plans are completely blown apart like this...
I am also fighting some resentment when I look at the lowlife trash that slither about on the local estate.. why did it have to be Hayley? why her.. she worked and contributed, never harmed a soul.. all she asked for was a loving husband, a good secure job and and nice home.. there is no answer to that... life just is!!!! end of.....

Sunday, 10 February 2013

Missing you today more than ever, tears flow like the rain outside... I am supported by the best friends and family I could possibly have but the one I need is you... love you missus XXXXXX

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

down but not out... yet

well the day has continued to sink.. find myself in floods of tears caused it seems by anything and everything around me.. trying desperately to pull myself together, thought that it might be because I'm tired.. not sleeping that well but having a snooze this afternoon made it worse, woke up with a tearing anguish and a longing to speak to/hear/touch and smell Hayley..
They say time heals or lessens the pain.. i do hope so as I can't bare to feel like this.. how can you love someone so much that the future looks so grim without them? every thing I have been doing over the past few weeks and I mean the stuff I'm doing with friends is building up inside of me, I so want to tell Hayley all about it, to see that look of "god here we go again" as I try and describe the joy's of being a rustaholic to her.
Talking to the air just isn't the same.. I miss you so so much missus, today even more than ever...
Work have offered me the services of a Councillor, might take them up on it.. my current situation seems to have awoken my long hidden anxiety attacks.. oh the joy's of life.. roll on the brighter weather, i hate the winter with a passion, hate it even more now......
One step forward, 3 steps back...

I know it is going to happen, hopefully less and less. Had a good day yesterday, visited the Foal farm rescue center to hand over some of the money raised in Hayley's memory, so far £270 raised and still more coming in.. I was then picked up in the evening and spent time in the garage of a good mate in the company of another good mate. we had a blast ripping his Jago T Bucket to pieces in readiness for its rebuild.. Home around 11.30 to the emptiness that is now my home.. straight out the back to feed the rabbit's and lock them up for the night.. Bless old Brucie, he was waiting for me and I even got a nudge as I went in.. made me feel a little better..
This morning I woke around 8, got up and fed the Rabbits and let them out into the garden, emptied the garden recycling into the bin and put it out for the dustman, all the normal chores that have been hard to do... then headed for the garage.. thought I would have a tidy up before my mate arrives on friday.. reduced once again to Tears by all the little signs and memento's given to me by Hayley over the years... I now can't shake that deep sorrow and loneliness feeling.. tried motor programs on the TV.. nope.. ahh the computer that works... nope!! feeling a little wretched today and to top it all I am missing my mate so bloody badly it hurt's!!!! strangely I don't feel the need for company.. almost as if I need to ride this day out alone!!!  

Monday, 4 February 2013


Had a good start to the day yesterday, up and out fairly early on a road trip with a good mate, we were off to pickup some ebay Hotrod bargains that I had won but due to current circumstances hadn't been able to pickup. The trip down to Andover went easily, part's picked up from a top bloke who had stored them for me.. thanks Andrew..
Then onto Basingstoke to another mates workshop to checkup on his Hotrod build and to see another mates new project.. again kourney smooth and visit excellent.. good company and loads of bull-shit talked, did struggle a couple of times when speaking about stuff.. then we had an invite to visit another barn with more projects in, looked over a very cool in progress Volksrod and this brought tears to my eyes as we discussed the build and how he was setting it up for his girlfriend to be able to drive as well.. I have been building my own project to suit me, be-spoke car building I guess you would call.. but I am/was fitting an adjustable drivers seat so Hayley could also drive it....oh well guess I'm going to hit these walls all the time for quite some time to come...
Journey home was again uneventful and parts swapped from Shaun's car over to mine then into his place for a coffee.. Upon leaving his house I was in floods of tears by the time I got into my car.. his home was full of noise and laughter, something I'm missing big time!!! only had to pull over once on my way home when I couldn't see the road through my tears. Stopped off to get Fish and Chips as I didn't fancy cooking when I got in.. shame really as I was the one who spent most of the time in the kitchen..
Arriving home is never going to be the same, I know that.. but I sure do miss Hayley's greetings as no matter how little the time I had been away, whether it was 2 hours or 2 day's she was always pleased to see me.. now i walk in the house is silent.. no Hayley and no Merlin the mog!! so the rabbits got released into the garden and as it was getting dark I took my fish and chips outside and sat with them until it was finally so dark it was better to get them in..
Really didn't fancy the computer so sat and watched a couple of programs (crap to be honest) I had taped... not a very good end to an excellent day, but one that I hope will be come less and less as the day's draw out and I can spend more time outside with my rabbits and in the garage without freezing....

Saturday, 2 February 2013

1 step forward

Headed out to my brothers for the evening and was treated to a super home cooked Thai meal, a good(ish) time was had. I then headed for home via Asda for some rabbit supplies as the poor buggers have had a rather boring diet for a few day's as I couldn't face shopping!! that wasn't so bad @ 9pm and the shop was thankfully pretty quiet, find it hard to see couples out shopping at the moment.. went round to the drink's section to pickup some beer for a mate, thought I would treat myself to 1 ale, can't go wrong with that.. couldn't find one beer i fancied drinking!! boy this grief thing does strange things to a person.. me in a drinks section and came away with nothing!!
Got home and that was the worst part, walking into the house and it being empty and silent.. no hug, kiss and greeting from Hayley and no greeting from old Merlin the cat.. we lost her on the 27th December after 19 years with us.. Two of my ladies gone.. the house seems so huge and empty without them... nothing on the telly so an hour on facebook, that felt flat as I guess most of my playmates are out and about.. oh well. bed time now before I lose the battle and start to cry again,, doing OK today.. maybe, just maybe the journey has started....
Well I've made it this far!!

Well today hasn't been that bad so far.. had a real pleasant time with my Sis filling out all the relevant paper work and form's for life insurance, pension etc. the hardest one to fill in was from the Gov... pissed me off no end all the questions they asked.. believe it or not you feckers!!! we both were actually born here, lived here and worked here all our lives.. jeez you made me feel like a bloody criminal!!
Got out of the house today and went for a spin in my loan car, its a 1962 Ford. Yup the same one that reduced me to tears yesterday because Hayley never got the chance to take it for a blast... well I took it around to see its owner and grabbed a coffee with him, his partner and one of his daughter's.. nice little break. But shit on the way back home it must have been national couple's walking hand in hand day.. every where I looked were couple's.. now it is probably always like this on a Sat afternoon but just like everything else you don't notice these things until for some reason your circumstances change like mine has.. was in flood's of tears before I was halfway home... soppy shit i am..
back home and it was clean the rabbit's out time, again this had me in floods of tears because it was something we often used to do together, one would clean and the other would follow with the new bedding...
Now I'm sitting here on the computer trying to occupy my mind, on a normal Sat i would be heading about now into town to "rescue" Hayley from work, it used to feel like a chore sometimes but if I didn't help shut the shop she would have been trapped behind the counter until way past closing time. i would give anything to be trundling across town on my rescue mission right now!!
Planning on going out to visit my Brother this evening, hoping i feel upto it, not so sure at the moment!!
God this is so much harder than I ever could have imagined, maybe I am not as strong as i thought I was? maybe I'm being hard on myself? I guess there isn't a manual to this process and each of us is different.. but it is just so hard going from a 49 year old part of a couple that had been together for over half your life to a single person again, shit i only had 5 years as a single adult (if you count 16 as adult?) so this whole not having someone around is just so alien to me.. plus we didn't lead separate lives either and in the time we were together I only went abroad on my own 3 times (1 day trip and 2 weekends) and in the last 15 years i had started to go away for 1 weekend in the summer, first to the folk festival Cropreddy and then later to the Hotrod Hayride instead, then for the past 4-5 years I have also gone to the Dragon rally and both these events were only weekends. The company I enjoyed oh so much and was such a huge part of my life is missing never to be felt again, I will keep moving forward if only because I can, something which Hayley had stolen from her.
I WILL survive, I WILL keep moving forward but I know for a fact I will never ever be the person I was before, I can't be because that person was shaped by the relationship I was in and kept that way by the person I was with, I can never have what I had with Hayley again, that is gone like dust in the breeze but i will have my memories, no one and nothing can change that!!

Friday, 1 February 2013

Strange old world

It seems funny to me but the things that I thought would make me cry don't, Hayley's clothes in the wardrobe, her coat in the hall, all the signs around the house, her nick knacks and things like that.. instead it's things like receiving her Rabbiting on magazine from the rabbit welfare association through the post, opening the larder door and finding my favourite cooking sauce she had purchased for me.. god I'm crying just trying to write this.. went outside to start my mates car I'm borrowing (blown the gearbox on my truck and didn't want to deprive Hayley of her wheels) and burst into tears because I was going to take the car somewhere quiet in January and she was going to have a go... knowing that she will never be able to take the Pop hotrod out for a spin.. things that shouldn't really matter but seem so important suddenly!! I guess it's those irrational thought's again..
I have told several people today not to have regret's because they hadn't been down to see us or something, what is past is past and we cannot do anything about that and we all did the best we could in our given circumstances, but jeez I am finding it so so hard not to have regrets about the things we planned to do and hadn't achieved yet.. again I can't do anything about that but still it's there, sitting on my shoulder like a mental parrot!!!
Still on a positive note I had a better day today, only wobbled a few times... maybe I'm getting stronger or maybe I have just about cried myself dry!!!

Young, stupid and in love, what else needs to be said.. xxx

Another day another.. well day..

Here we go again, hopefully today is the day I start the journey back to the light.
It is a strange thing life!! yesterday I did have a few wobbles but on the whole I was doing OK.. Until I opened my post to find a couple of letters from my bank, one telling me they had bounced a payment due to insufficient funds and then another to say that they had paid a card payment which had pushed me over my overdraft limit... So I contacted my bank to see what was going on as I wasn't expecting this "other" payment.. turns out it was the insurance company renewing Hayley's car insurance using the card number she supplied them last year, and she didn't need to do anything about it as they would just assume that as she hadn't contacted them she was happy with the new quote.. Well from where I'm sitting that would have been a little hard don't you think!!!! how can they be allowed to just take your money without permission? especially as the insurance was in Hayley's name and the debit card is in mine!!! ruined what was a reasonably positive day.. guess I will get a few of those...

I get on pretty much a daily basis messages of support from friends and family, one of the underlying themes is the regret that they hadn't made the effort to see more of Hayley whilst she was here, well that my good people is a 2 way street and we could have made more of an effort to come and see you.. but with Hayley's depression being what it was she found it hard to socialise, even amongst close friends and family. She coped with life by cocooning herself in her comfort zone which pretty much consisted of home and latterly her excellent job at Mark Maynard's emporium in Tunbridge Wells and her unstinting support of Foal Farm animal rescue, Biggin Hill.
So I say to all of you that feel you have regret's don't, you have nothing to regret, life is what life is.. please try and look back with smiles and then look forward and embrace your loved ones and make Hayley proud by living not for money or material possessions but for experiences, laughter and the making of those oh so important memories.. trust me on this one folk's.. it isn't the furniture, nick knacks or fancy clothes that will bring you any comfort, Hell it isn't even the collection of old motorcycles in the garage (never ever thought I would say that, in fact I used to say Hayley would go before the BSA did!!) but those memories.. I used to say to Hayley when she lusted after some trivial thing, when your old and sitting on your french porch in a rocking chair, it won't be material things you remember but friends, pet's and experiences.. shit how right I was.. except for the old and France bit...
Which brings me back to reality, sitting in my study, rain on the window writing this and watching our squirrel on the bird table.. my future and what does it hold? in the short term I have my Pendine project and the Pop ti finish which I fully plan to do but what then?
Work I think is going to be my biggest issue, When Hayley was ill I managed to swap onto an earlier shift so that I was home in the evenings which were the hardest part of the day for Hayley, this moved boosted her mood incredibly and I know it was a major factor in helping her gain the confidence to apply for the job at Mark Maynards. Sadly my switch was only for a couple of years and I was put back onto my late shift, a move which led me to see a slow decline in Hayley's mood and outlook, which thankfully didn't regress back as far as it had been due to the love and commitment she had for her job. Mark I will be forever grateful to you and Lucy for your support, something I am positive you were completely unaware of.
Towards the tailend of last year I managed to once again get a temp duty switch to a shift that not only gave me my evenings free but also gave me a weekday off that corresponded with one of Hayley's day's off, the change in her was amazing and for the first time in longer than I can remember, since well before her mum's passing nearly 10 years ago I saw my old Hayley emerging from the darkness. She had started a course in interior design,  friends had started to ask advice on their homes and gardens, life looked good..
Sadly it wasn't to be, for some reason fate stole Hayley from me before we could enjoy those better times. I am pleased though that at least near the end Hayley was happier than I had seen her for a long time, we both still had a way to go before our lives were financially back on track, but bless her that isn't something I will have to worry about now as she had got herself insured!! but guess what, i would give it all back in an instant for another couple of years but hey that will never happen.. so all I can do is take Hayley's legacy to me and make the best of a shitty situation.. Maybe that was my fate, to be there for Hayley, see her through the bad times and back into the light? maybe fate has another job for me? who knows but I guess in time I will find out...
 and as for work? well I am not so certain I can go back to my current shift, the shift that was OH SO fucking important to me such a short time ago now feels like it will be a curse in the future, those free day's will always be Hayley's day's and I'm not so sure I'm strong enough to survive that!!