Glaucoma

 So I had my yearly check up today and whilst my current condition is not a cause for alarm the chap I saw isn’t happy with the levels of glaucoma i have and the damage 20yrs (since I was diagnosed!!) of it has caused my eyes! I’m currently still well within the thresholds for driving with my eyesight but the gap between irreparable and irreversible damage is closing!! So he is seeking another opinion from another consultant!! Oh the joy of getting older!! Feeling a little jaded today..   

Anxiety!!

 Walking the dogs this morning my mind was it’s usual washing machine churning self! But this hour is my time to sort out my thoughts and prep myself for the day ahead, I’m convinced that without this time I would have missed so much more work time!! Anyway the prevailing thought was how anxiety has taken the place of depression at the moment, personally I prefer depression over anxiety as I seem to have all my coping strategies in place to be able to continue to function whilst depressed! Sure I struggle with motivation whilst depressed and often miss things because of it BUT my day to day life like work etc remains relatively un affected.

Anxiety is a whole different ball game for me, I’d been pretty much anxiety free for quite sometime now but recent events at work have just pushed that button!! I’ve suffered with chronic glaucoma in both eyes for over 20 years now and whilst I don’t find it easy living with the constant threat to my sight the treatment has been bloody good! The DVLA are aware of this and along with the NHS monitoring my condition my employers have been more than happy. Last year I get a new boss, now every so often we have to fill in a form about our health etc for driving for the company and I always declare my glaucoma. Well this time my new boss decides that this isn’t good enough and asks for an occupational health review! Now he tells me this has been triggered by my declaration of glaucoma, so I ask why its suddenly flagged up after 20yrs and he can’t answer! Turns out that when I had my interview the lady told me it wasn’t triggered by the company but by a question HE had asked about whether I was fit to do my job!! and in her honest opinion she was wasting my time as the DVLA would revoke my license way before it became an issue!! And she should know as she also does the interviews on behalf of the DVLA!

To say I’m not happy is a massive understatement and all this was happening at the time I was being diagnosed with prostrate cancer but we still didn’t know how far advanced it was and I’d also just lost or was close to losing Harvey my hound!! I was already struggling mentally and suddenly I had the fear I could be taken off driving and even lose my job, if he had hit me with a baseball bat it couldn’t have done anymore damage!! And to top it all off I’ve since found out I did not need to declare my glaucoma as its a long standing condition!! I feel my integrity has been questioned, I’ve been lied to and a whole unnecessary level of stress has been sent my way for absolutely no good reason other than his desire to fuck with folks lives!! And I’m not the only one!!

Anyway I felt I needed to write this down and get it out of my head as its starting to go sour in there and I’m hoping that by laying it out it will start the healing process!!  

Bad day!!

 Not a good one today! Its 1 year exactly that I lost my beloved hound Harvey and the levels of grief I feel are in comparison to those I felt for Hayley! I’ve never felt the level of loss this big for a pet before but then again Harvey wasn’t just a pet, he was my wingman and it is thanks to him I am still here to write this… after losing Hayley I plummeted into the lowest depths imaginable but I had the rabbits to get me up in the mornings as they needed feeding, cleaning etc but it was good old Harvey that got me out the house on my own. Sure i’d got really good mates and family looking out for me but they couldn’t be there 24/7 so it was the hound and me on a daily basis and it was him that intervened when the bleakness got too much and I could see no way out of it except flicking the switch!! Harvey seemed to know and would come and sit by me and lay his head on my lap and I’d realise that I couldn’t possibly go anywhere! Damn I miss him!!

  

Hopelessness

 Somedays I wake full of hope that I’m going to beat this bleakness and others I awake to the feeling I’m drowning in it! There does not seem to be a pattern, it feels like it just happens!! Today is one of those days I could happily not have woken, the sky is drab, its chilly and there is no guarantee the sun is going to shine!! But as difficult as it is, now I’m awake I will do the best I can to make today a good day… why you may ask? (Or maybe you won’t!!) because if I throw in the towel its a bit like dropping a stone into a still pond, the ripples reach far further than you realise! it not only affects me but it will affect Claire and Poppy and I just cannot allow that to happen!! Good or bad, right or wrong I will head into the day with a smile on my face no matter how fake it is……  

Trouble is today I have that nagging thought that I have a gun to my head, once we get the results of my 2nd blood test back and I have the mri scan we can move forwards with the decision as to which treatment i go for! Neither options fill me with much enthusiasm! If I go brachytherapy there is the chance it will not work and I have since discovered that surgery would then not be an option so surgery should be the way to go but… always that but!! There is the greatest possibility that it will be game over for my sex life and at 59 I feel that I’m not ready for that!! Having a choice is sometimes a very mixed blessing….