Nearly Pendine time, been building up to this for ages, shame I just can't get the enthusiasm up for it like I should be.. I dearly want to go but not for the reason's I am....  we are talking 6 months now since I lost Hayley and I still cry buckets on a daily basis, this last week or so has really knocked back again, not sure why? I have so many positive things going for me but I just can't justify anything at the moment.
I did have a nasty scare when I found out a really good mate had been rushed in for heart surgery after suffering 2 heart attacks, thankfully he is back ragging me on the computer so he must be feeling better. I had hoped to be feeling just numb now, not this real rawness and sadness that just swamp's me and reduces me to a wreck.. I am and I think I will be for quite some time a Mess!!!

another day passes, still not really feeling much better... I can at least go out and "enjoy" myself a little now but the payback I get when I come home is almost not worth the effort!!! had a cracking weekend away with a good mate, old motorcycles followed by a BBQ in a field with mucho beer and a blast around the field in a mates hotrod, but FUCK!!! was it worth the pain and guilt I now feel? I miss Hayley so much it hurt's.. I don't seem to be really making any progress at all, I'm just treading water until............. guess maybe this is what my future entails? who know's..
God I miss you XXXXXX

Dear Hayley.
I'm missing you more as each day passes, the list of stuff I want to tell you is growing to an enormous length. I am having better day's but these are followed by some of the most horrendous lows I have ever experienced. I find myself enjoying myself and then bam the realisation that you have gone hit's me so hard in the gut it is physical!! I find I'm longing for the time when thinking of you doesn't make me cry and then the thought of not missing you also tears me apart inside.. I hate the way you were here large as life one minute only to be gone so suddenly the next.
I have Harvey boy as company which is superb but even walking him and seeing all the beauty around me is hard to take.. I thought with the coming of the warm weather I would feel better but I find myself wishing for rain quite a bit of the time so that everything doesn't look so wonderful... You would be so proud of your sister Charlotte and Malcom, they were absolutely amazing during the time you were taken from me, even though Malcom has his own shit to deal with he was constantly on the phone checking up on me....
How I'm going to cope in the coming month's i do not know.. I struggle with work, not the job just being somewhere amongst people, but I know it is doing me good and far better than being on my own which I would happily do...
I do hope that there is an after life and you are somewhere pleasant and happy amongst family and old pet's.. the thought that I will see you again one day fills me with hope..
I love you missus, the hole you have left in my life is so so massive I can hardly begin to contemplate how I'm ever going to feel "whole" again.....
Till we meet again, Love you loads your crushed and almost defeated husband Shaun
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