Reality

 Well I’ve been surfing a high for a bit, the anxiety has been there in the background advancing and retreating like waves lapping on a beach but yesterday it was back full blown!! It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling but the easiest word to use is disappointed! I look back on my life and I’m deeply disappointed!! I’ve not achieved a fraction of the things I’d set out to do and if I’m honest I feel I’ve only managed 2 things of note, the first was seeing Hayley through her years of depression up to the point where it looked like she had finally pushed past it and was in control if her life again! It was hard both mentally and physically and did take its toll on me which I’m feeling the affects of now!! And the second is bringing Poppy into the world! She is such a light in my darkness and probably the main reason I continue to get up in the mornings though I do question my sanity at times bringing her into this world but the good people is what this world needs more of!! I guess there is possibly a third achievement and that was keeping a roof over our heads when the odds were so stacked against me! 

Believe me it wasn’t for the lack of trying, I put so much effort into surviving when things got hard but circumstances just kept pushing me back! I could have taken the easy option but that isn’t how I was raised, you try your best to do the right thing even if it slowly kills you in the process!

I try and be positive about what I have achieved but on the whole I look in the mirror and the person I see disappoints me and I’m really not sure that I like him that much!! Thankfully my friends don’t seem to see who I see and I’m making it my mission to see the person they see!!

I turn 60 this year and that scares the fuck out of me!! Not because it’s particularly old but because time is running out for me to taste life to the full! If I’m blessed with the luck to live to my parent’s and grandparents ages I have another 25-30 yrs left and I need to make the most of that, I need the freedom from work to allow me the time to fit everything in! But I also need the finances to achieve that!

Maybe I dream too much! But some folk seem to achieve loads without visibly trying and yet I struggle day by day to get just a little of what I’m after… 

Life isn’t for the faint hearted and sometimes I wish I’d never woken up but wake up I do and every time that happens I’m going to do my best and I really need to pull myself out of this hole I find myself in and start living… the clock is ticking….

Life!!

 Well I just get positive results from the cancer clinic that everything is stable and I get more negative from the glaucoma clinic!! My specialist isn’t happy that the meds are keeping my eyes stable so I’ve been referred to another consultant with regards to an operation!! Now if successful it will mean my eyes will only degrade as per aging without the accelerated help of the glaucoma, I’ve yet to investigate the risks as I have to admit it scares the fuck out of me!!

I can’t complain as I’ve had a bloody good run for my money health wise but I really wish the depression and anxiety would do one as it doesn’t make decision making an easy task!! But at least the rain has stopped and the sun is trying to push through!! Oh how the blue skies and warmth from the sun make the world a whole better place!! 

Roller coaster

 I haven’t blogged for a bit, finding time to write when my head has the words ready is far harder than having the time to write when I have nothing to say!!

Anyway I have been mining a high since the weather broke and apart from the negative glaucoma news things have been pretty stable, I managed to stave off a massive anxiety attack that was on the verge of erupting as we struggled to get the camper sorted for our annual pilgrimage to Pendine!! Brake line failure, crushed hand, mot failure and a massive repair job ( good mates are priceless!!!) and the near final straw the completely flat battery the morning before departure!! all were pushing me towards a big attack but positive thinking, deep breathing and mindfulness and in no small part the support from Claire and my close group of mates who went above and beyond!!

Pendine was epic, 04:30 departure on sat morning had us on the beach around 10am and then 2 full days in the sunshine watching Vintage Hotrods thrash up the beach and then the epic 4pm departure and final arrival back on the driveway 10pm.. a tad short of 600 mile roundtrip in under 44hrs.. as I said epic!!

The sunshine has been a much needed boost to my mental wellbeing apart from the rash of negativity on the socials because we had it over 25 for a few days!! God the british!! These past few days have had me slipping a little as rain and greyness have returned but the weekend proved to be better with garage time on sat with a good mate and then out to a bbq for a friends 38th birthday, always makes me chuckle that I’m a year younger than her mum 🤣

But today I can feel the icy fingers of depression sliding across my back, good time walking to school with Poppy and then up into the woods alone with the dogs but as I neared home I could feel that hesitation that knowing what the day is bringing!! Its not that I hate my job I think its the predictable sameness that I’m currently finding hard to move past but my confidence levels are not yet high enough to jump into the unknown!!