Friday, 19 April 2013

Bugger it the dark lord is back with a vengeance!! trying to stay positive but it is hard when all you want to do is sob your heart out... have good day's but these are followed by the blackest of moods I have ever experienced!! and I'm not afraid to admit they can be a little frightening.... Thank god for The rabbits and old Harvey boy... without these fella's I would be a complete and utter mess, they get me out of bed in the morning and give me something to aim for each and everyday... I have done a couple of roads trips recently, excellent day's in excellent company but the low's that hit once I'm home are unreal.. I spent a good few years watching and helping Hayley through her low times to know what the hell is going on, and no matter how hard it is to do you have to let it run its course, it will ease and it will retract given time and the right kind of help... Harvey is the best therapy I could possibly have, smiles all round here, even through the tears.. he was meant to be, fate call it what you will... Missus you would love this little bugger, hope you don't mind but he has taken over my sofa now... miss you so so much, god I'm going to bore the shit out of you if and when we meet again as I have so much I want to share with you...

Monday, 15 April 2013

Well i have found new depth's of despair these last couple of month's!! I have been so low that i thought I would never ever get back again. Day's are getting slowly easier with less and less manic moments but I'm still gripped by this massive sense of loss and confusion, I still can't meet someone I haven't seen for ages without losing it big time though the big difference now is I can hold it back until I'm alone in the car, house, garage etc...
Only time I seem to be able to blank my mind for a short period of time is when I'm working on the car in the barn, even working on Saltster the Pendine bike at home is a massive, massive struggle which usually ends with me in floods of tears for no real reason... well there is a reason but a somewhat elusive trigger...
Hayley was a bigger part of my life than I ever realised, miss her so much each and every day, quite often cry myself to sleep.. hardly feel like the 50 year old i nearly am and more like a 5 year old.. I feel like I'm sleep walking through life now, nothing sinks in and nothing really means that much anymore...
On a positive note I have taken a young dog from Foal Farm rescue center into my home and heart, he will be the distraction I need and also the company I crave in the long evenings. I may head to a pub again now I have so company... Only down side is that Hayley isn't here to enjoy him with me... christ will I ever be right in myself ever again? I know it has only been 3 months since my world imploded but I am feeling no better and it is getting no easier with time passing.... anyway got to sign off as I'm having trouble seeing the keyboard through the tears!!! here's Harvey, the Hotrod Hound....

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

God life is hard, far harder than I ever could have imagined!! I have good day's now with very little trauma, but shit when that trauma hit's it hit's hard... I am moving forward Hayley.. trying to get my life back ontrack but it means fuck all without you.. I am exploring avenues that would have been well out of reach had you still been around, I have the opportunity to own things that would have only been a dream had things turned out differently!! but does this make me feel any better? does it hell !!! given the chance I would give up everything I currently own and could possibly own in the future to have you back here, I miss you more than I can possibly ever say, some times I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up, but then I worry about what would happen to the rabbit's!!
I hope if you can see and hear me you can at least know I miss you, my life is not worth chuff all now but I will keep on treading that tread mill, keep the rabbit's happy and well cared for, build things that seem important but really don't mean shit!! but in all honesty I'm just awaiting my time to come and see you again..
miss you loads. XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

struggling again today missus, went up foal farm to take some dog food and bit's and pieces for them to sell. not the same without you!!!! made in-roads on adopting a dog.. found one that should fit in with the rabbit's which is the most important thing...
Maybe it's just me but my life-line that was facebook seems to have taken a real turn for the negative, every other post seems to be fired by hatred and the endless political post's are really f**king me off, I am fully aware of what is going on in the world without having it force fed down my throat.. it was my haven, somewhere to escape to share lifes good and fun things... I'm finding life hard enough each and everyday without having reminders of just how crap the real world is.. and what really get's my goat are all the armchair activist's who think they are leading a revolution by posting and sharing all this bollox!!! if they really cared so much why the hell aren't they out there campaigning to run for parliament, or organising protest groups....
Maybe the bubble has burst for me, maybe I have used facebook as far as I can, or maybe I have just grown to rely on it far too much??? I don't know but it sure as hell feels like a different place these last couple of weeks....
What I need are positive happy folk around me, a little sunshine and warmth.. not hatred and negativity..
maybe I should just keep clear for a bit and see how I feel if I go back.. I'm guessing I will go back as I have made some cracking virtual mates... problem is all mine really, I need to blank out the negative and focus on the positive but it is so so hard to not be affected by it all.. it's not their fault I'm over sensitive at the moment, it's just losing you was the most catastrophic thing that could possibly ever happen to me, all the rest is just background noise.. nothing anyone could do to me now could be worse than what I'm already experiencing.. for me January 6th 2013 changed my whole perspective on life, nothing will ever be the same again and the thing's that I thought mattered before then I have come to realise don't mean shit in the great scheme of things.
Lighten up folks... tomorrow may well be too late!!!!!

Monday, 1 April 2013

Well Hayley I have had a full weekend, surrounded by loads of good friends and family but I feel the most alone when I'm in a crowd....I miss you so bloody much, miss our little trips to rummage through tat at our favourite junk shop's, going to miss our fish and chips by the harbour in Rye, but most of all I miss just having you around... everything I do reminds me off you...
I am trying to keep a brave face on it all, trying to get out there and do things, deep breath and forwards we go!!! god this is so so hard....
I love you more as each day passes, the hole you have left is massive.. far bigger than I bet you ever imagined... I will have a future, I will achieve things but sadly none of it will mean half as much without you to share it with....
Love alway's XXXXXXX