well I guess I should have expected it, the storm after a couple of day's calm, had 2 reasonable day's working in the barn, I think I have found my route out of this place I have been dropped into.. it's banging and grinding on my Pop in the barn, very few people around so not overwhelmed but enough of a presence to stop the lonely feeling getting too much of a hold and the surroundings are neutral.. had a real blip mid way through yesterday when the thought entered my head I will never ever receive a call or text from Hayley during a quiet spell at her shop, the loneliness that descended then was almost too much to bear.. I hit a real low for awhile..
Today was never going to be a good day as I had to meet with a solicitor over some problems with Hayley's estate!!! plus I had to pick up the ashes today as well.. walking to my meeting up Tonbridge high street made me painfully aware of just how alone I am now.. sure I have amazing friends and family whose support has been endless and superb but that one special person with whom I chose to spend my life with will never ever be beside me again and christ that makes me sad...
I don't think I have ever or could ever be as low and destroyed as I feel today... thank god for my passion for rust and my 2 little furry rabbit chum's.. without these things I could easily just curl into a ball and fade away.. I won't because A, the rabbits need me and that is a very powerful feeling when you are reluctant to move in the mornings and B, I have made promises to people and Foal Farm that I am going to run at Pendine on the Saltster in Hayley's memory, and if there is one person I will not let down, and I didn't let her down in life so I am not going to start now!!! that's Hayley, this is being done in her memory and my god I am going to try and make it as memorable an occasion as I possibly can...
The pain lessens slightly but only to be replaced with the worse feeling of loss and emptiness....
still loving you missus XXXXXXXXX