round and round and round we go..... can't seem to keep it together for more than a couple of day's at a time... work want me back, I want to go back but i freak at the idea of having to see all those people and try and put a brave face on... got myself a huge problem, going away for the weekend for a bit of breathing space ws good, just what I needed but the idea of coming home fills me with dread, it's not about being at home that I can cope with, its the idea of returning to my life as a single chap which fills me with fear..

Funnily we had talked about this in the past, what happens if one of us goes first.. Hayley said that I would cope better on my own than she would, not so sure of that now!!!! trying to act like the mature adult I'm meant to be!! sadly i still feel like that awkward teenager that I once was, in fact inside still am.... I have a whole world of opportunity before me, things to do, places to see, experiences to try.. things that wouldn't have been possible before.... but know what? they don't mean shit, what is the point of experiences without that special someone to experience them with, or to have at home to go back to with tall tales and far too many photo's..

I keep finding things to keep my mind occupied , hands busy and then comes night time.. close my eyes and the demons appear.. I'm waiting for the day those demon's become angels and my thoughts and memories bring a smile instead of a tear... really don't feel I have made much progress in these last few weeks..

Hayley you were my world, adjusting to life without you is hard, far harder then we ever could have imagined.. you will always be in my heart.. I'm still unsure as to why it happened, why you? I feel no anger as yet just massive disappointment.. worse thing is knowing I can never speak to or hear you again, I can't even convince myself there is a spirit world so we can meet again that way... I just feel so so lost at the moment...