So in another step on my road back to the old me, if that person still exists! We adopted another dog from Foal Farm, the same place i rescued my departed wingman Harvey T Hound from. She has been with us for a couple of days now and is fitting in a treat, over the past few weeks I’ve felt the need to bring another lost soul into our family for a couple of reasons, 1 to help me heal from the loss of Harvey and 2 to help distract me as I figure out how I’m going to progress with my prostrate cancer treatment. This is something I’ve had to do without the company of my beloved Harvey who I always turned to when down, I have the most wonderful partner and daughter but it was always Harvey who I relied on!! My ongoing struggle with depression and anxiety is really grinding me down and add the cancer to the mix and I’m just about done mentally! I am so tired I sometimes don’t know if I can carry on but I always do!!
I’m currently being monitored for the cancer as it’s a low grade and probably if I wasn’t depressed this wouldn’t be an issue but I’m currently struggling with knowing I have this thing inside me which is potentially life shortening and maybe I should “get it sorted”. Herein lies the other problem I’m struggling with, if I go for the brachytherapy my 8yr old daughter will not be allowed anywhere near me for 2- 3 months due to the radiation and I’m not sure I could handle that as her hugs are one of the main things that keep me fighting and if I opt for removal there is a very high risk of impotency and incontinence and I don’t feel ready for that yet!! Now if treatment was needed to save my life the decision would be so much easier!!
I know I’m lucky with my diagnosis but the constant nagging from the dark side of my brain just blows everything out of proportion and adds to the struggle! I’m hoping that by writing it down it will slowly settle into its correct places and I can rationally make clearer decisions.
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