Tired

 It seems relentless at the moment! The endless lows, close to tears and the feeling that i cant go on.. but go on i will, i always do!! Had cause to celebrate yesterday as i got the results back from my blood tests, everything as it should be apart from that damn psa but for a brief moment i felt positive but this morning the gloom is back! This is the longest period of depression I’ve ever had i think, well i’m not sure it ever really went away but this has been the longest feeling of despair that i can recall!! Whether its because of losing Harvey or am i struggling with the loss because of this episode? Who knows but it is certainly challenging my resolve!

I’ve stopped posting on FB about how i feel, i need to give my friends breathing space! Maybe not the correct thing to do but i’m posting here so I’m letting it out which is the whole point! Talking with one of my customers the other week and i mentioned that hitting 60 is scaring the hell out of me! I was so surprised when she turned round and said she had felt exactly the same just a few short weeks previously, in fact she said she had almost had a breakdown over it!! Now i’ve never been one to worry about age, always said its how you feel that is important! But somehow turning 60, for the first time feels old! Irrational? Its just the feeling that the door is closing and I’m running out of time to do some of those things I’ve long dreamt of!! I’m incredibly lucky that I’m still as active as i am and long may that continue and hopefully I’ll be like my parents and still very active into my 80’s and even 90’s like my dad!! But i still hanker for adventure, I would love to travel for a bit, not just holiday but proper travel!! 

My hands are tied at the moment as i do not have the time for everything and at this particular moment in time spending time with Poppy is at the top of my list as i know I’m not going to be here for her forever and being an older dad does shorten that time so making good strong memories is oh so important to me!! Writing that has just started the tears!! My god i wish i could control this!!