Hopelessness

 Somedays I wake full of hope that I’m going to beat this bleakness and others I awake to the feeling I’m drowning in it! There does not seem to be a pattern, it feels like it just happens!! Today is one of those days I could happily not have woken, the sky is drab, its chilly and there is no guarantee the sun is going to shine!! But as difficult as it is, now I’m awake I will do the best I can to make today a good day… why you may ask? (Or maybe you won’t!!) because if I throw in the towel its a bit like dropping a stone into a still pond, the ripples reach far further than you realise! it not only affects me but it will affect Claire and Poppy and I just cannot allow that to happen!! Good or bad, right or wrong I will head into the day with a smile on my face no matter how fake it is……  

Trouble is today I have that nagging thought that I have a gun to my head, once we get the results of my 2nd blood test back and I have the mri scan we can move forwards with the decision as to which treatment i go for! Neither options fill me with much enthusiasm! If I go brachytherapy there is the chance it will not work and I have since discovered that surgery would then not be an option so surgery should be the way to go but… always that but!! There is the greatest possibility that it will be game over for my sex life and at 59 I feel that I’m not ready for that!! Having a choice is sometimes a very mixed blessing….