Illness

 So about the same time last year as I was realising something serious was wrong with my Harvey I find out something serious was wrong with me!! I’d started the year with a bad back and then developed an uncomfortable feeling in my side which we at first put down to the medication but my doctor decided to run a few blood tests just to see if anything else was amiss and she added the PSA (if your male and over 50 you should know all about the psa test and if you don’t research it because it could just save your life!!) because “I’m of that age”.

The psa came back with a slight high reading so I had the manual test and an enlarged prostrate was found, not worrying in itself but it can mean cancer so I was booked for a scan. Now once the C word starts getting used doors open and things move quickly and I soon had the appointment. Around this time we discovered that Harvey had a very aggressive form of lymphoma and was given weeks to live without treatment. I asked the docs about his quality of life and would he still be able to enjoy his walks etc if he was treated and they could give me no definite answer so it was away to think about it.

Back to me, the scan revealed an anomaly on my prostrate which could be cancer so I was booked in for a biopsy. Meanwhile Harvey’s decline was quick and with no guarantee that he would improve I took the very hard decision not to put him through long invasive treatments and let nature take its course. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do as I wanted him to live for ever but only if he was himself and not just a shell I’m keeping alive!!

On June 9th 2022 I lost Harvey and then had to go for my biopsy which revealed I had a high percentage of cancer in my prostrate but it was a low grade non aggressive variant. Best of a bad job I guess but the worm had got in my head that the bad back, side discomfort and the cancer were all linked and I was on borrowed time! I’d walk Poppy to school quietly asking myself how many more of these am I going to get!! I started to look at the world with different eyes, thinking you have the reaper looking over your shoulder is a sobering experience, eventually after more tests they confirmed that the cancer had not spread and my back and side were not connected! The relief was incredible but the damage done to my mind was already there!

I’m currently on the monitoring list for the cancer, both the recommended treatments come with “effects” I’m not happy about, if I opt for removal there is a massive chance I will lose my ability to make love and at 59 I’m not ready for that! Not with a gorgeous younger partner!! And if I go for the brachytherapy route (which is my preferred option) Poppy wouldn’t be allowed near me for over 3 months due to her age and the radiation I’ll be giving off and I’m not sure I can handle that, her hugs keep me afloat when the depression wants to drag me under!! Now if monitoring wasn’t an option and treatment was needed this decision would be a lot easier!

So we come to this week, after weeks of waiting I’ve finally had my first psa test since diagnosis on Tuesday and I’m awaiting my phone consultation later today with the cancer specialist. But when they took my bloods at the docs they decided to run tests on my liver, kidneys, diabetes and cholesterol and yesterday at 17:59 I get this text from the docs

“ Dear Mr Veness,

I have reviewed your result. Please contact the surgery and book a review with the GP within 1 week.

Thank you, Dr …….”

To say my anxiety is off the scale isn’t an exaggeration!! I already feel I’m on borrowed time, which is irrational as my cancer is treatable but that’s how my brain is working!! Which brings me back to the depression which I now believe is being fuelled by the fear I’m running out of time!! I’m not scared of death, watching Hayley pass has rid me of that fear but it’s the fear of leaving Poppy fatherless, not having made enough memories!! I struggle everyday with the grind that is the work/life routine but I really don’t know how to break out of that cycle! Half of me wishes to cut the ropes and sail off and disappear and the other half knows it isn’t that simple!