Another day another challenge, except this challenge is the same as yesterday's and the day before's etc and that challenge is to make nightfall without losing it completely, failed yesterday as I have failed everyday so far.. i know I'm expecting far too much to be able to function as close to normal as possible so soon but I hate this feeling of emptiness that is swamping me.. Strangely I thought it would be the evenings that would be the worse time, alone and with nothing more than crap TV and my Facebook family to keep me sane, but it isn't!! it is the mornings when I awake and see that huge huge void in my life that was so taken up by Hayley that I am struggling to see over, around or through it.
I am surrounded by an amazing network of family, both mine and Hayley's, close friends and my superb virtual family on facebook who are in constant contact and visit's.. but in the word's of the Levellers song " I feel alone in a crowded room, sad when I hear a happy tune" I know time will soften the pain but it is taking all my resolve to contain that pain until it does....
I have my Pendine racer build (check my in-the-shed speedshop blog if interested) for therapy and as a tribute to my smashing wife who supported me in my endeavours no matter how crazy or stupid she thought they were "xx" but try as I might everytime I go to do something in the barn or garage i get this massive jolt of guilt that I am carrying on whilst Hayley can't,, irrational I know but powerful none the less.
I have spoken again with my doctors, it seems that as well as grief I am probably suffering from traumatic stress as Hayley's passing was so sudden and out of the blue I am having considerable trouble accepting it..
Starting this blog was my way of taking my pain from facebook and giving it a new permanent home, writing has and is proving a massive help, I know Hayley can't read any of this but by my putting it down on here help's stop the tumbling thoughts invading my mind 24/7..
god I miss you missus, I would have swapped places with you in an instant but I think you would be coping worse than me.. till we meet again.. love you alway's xx Shaun