so we find ourselves in another day.. yesterday started well but dissolved into sadness as it went on, I spent much of the day surfing the net trying to find things to blank out the horror of the real world, succeeded for the most part but then when your guard is down it all pours back in!! a friend posted in reply to one of my posts "tick tock" and indeed it is.. the minutes move ever forward towards the day I can accept my loss, celebrate my past and embrace my future... something I am finding so hard to do right now.
The human mind is such a great thing but there are times when it is our biggest enemy, well at least my enemy. irrational thoughts keep edging their way in and making their presence felt... I know they are irrational and are not doing anything good but I just can't stop them coming. Hayley and I made a conscious decision not to have children, we never ever regretted that decision but I can't help wondering if I had small children to look out for my situation would be more controllable? and NO I do not want yours!! again irrational thoughts..
My biggest problem is we spent so much time together, enjoyed each others company, most of our best times were alone in the garden with a bottle of wine and the rabbits playing at our feet.. it will be the simple pleasures that I will find hardest to let go. I am not a pub person, OK I enjoy the rare occasion when I visit the NorKent crew in Knockholt, the bike nights up the Huntsman, Eridge or a few ciders in my mate Sumo's garage but that is really about it for me, I'm OK meeting people in a car park for a Hotrod meet, in a bar at the hayride but my happiest socialising was done in the comfort of my home, in the company of good friends with the best one by my side..
The good friend who commented Tick tock also posted this poem on my facebook page on the day of Hayley's send off..
“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.” David Harkins.
Cheers Phil, it still makes me cry but the wisdom of these words are going to keep me from falling and giving up. Thank you all my family & friends who are at my shoulder, I will survive, I will relapse on occasions as I sometimes feel I'm not strong enough to fight this but please rest assured I will get through this....