Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Just sitting here reading back through my post's.. haven't been very consistent with keeping my blog up to date but kept finding writing it down was just letting it all loose again... life rolls slowly forward... I awoke on a morning in Feb with the thoughts in my mind that I can't change anything, I just have to try and accept what has happened and try and get back on my feet and move forward (can't use the term "moving on" as it seems so.... just so wrong!!) that morning turned out to be the start of the Chinese New Year, the year of the Horse... now I'm not religious or superstitious or into any of that stuff but I did kind of take it as a sign that I'm on the right track.....
 I am in a new chapter of my life now, I have found love again..I got invited out for drinks for a work colleagues birthday and the lady that ask me out was testing the water to see how I would react, we just clicked... she knows all about my circumstances, in fact she first remembers meeting me a few day's after Hayley passed away when she delivered a package for her.. some meeting eh?? me red eyed and sobbing my heart out!!!! Once I got back to work I handed out the van key's in the mornings... we must have seen each other but it wasn't until much later that she noticed me and felt the attraction (still can't understand it myself!! at the time I was looking like a small yeti) and the rest as they say is history!!!!!
 This was something I wasn't looking for or expecting. I was fully prepared to spend the rest of my day's single with old Harvey the hound for company. It is strange what life throws at you when you aren't looking!!!! It is so nice to have someone to share your time with though it is not without it's problems... the deeper I fall for Claire the greater the guilt I feel for moving forward.... I didn't plan any of this, not a single thing that has happened in the last 18 month's or so was on my list of things to do/feel/experience... it has all been thrust upon me by whomever or whatever is out there!!!!! I miss Hayley on a daily basis and still love her dearly, this causes conflict with how I feel for Claire as it does not seem right to love 2 people at once...... I so wish life was easier, I still cry at the drop of a hat but the support I am getting is superb.
I do know that I'm not sullying my memories of Hayley by finding love again, if the rolls had been reversed I would have wanted her to meet someone and be happy again asap but still they appear, the dark thoughts...... RIP missus, missing you still XXXXXX

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