Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Two years down..... A letter to Hayley

Christ I sit here 2 years to the day I sat and watched you leave me... that pain as you breathed your last is still with me..... 2 years just does not seem possible....
Well I'm about to embark on the next chapter of my life, March the 12th is the due date of a mini me.. not sure of the sex yet but as long as "it" is healthy I don't really mind. I'm sitting here contemplating this event with excitement as well a nerves... but it still saddens me that you had to go to make this possible. Maybe I think to much, wish I could turn my mind off and just plod on like an automaton sometimes..... They say all things happen for a reason! well if you had to go so this baby could be born that does seem like a hell of a price to pay.... Claire is superb, she is looking after me well and I do have to say I am happy again, but that happiness does not take away the sadness I still feel losing you... god I have never felt so confused in my life, I still feel guilty that I am smiling and enjoying life again when you can't but as Lizzie has constantly reminded me I have the choice to waste my life or try and do great things.. you do not have that choice... and it is true it would be a crime to waste the time I have left... but it is hard..so so hard at times to find the drive to do anything... I keep getting the feeling "what's the point" but the point is I can and should make the most of my life.... I will try missus to make you proud.....
I know Sam, Denise and Maxine miss you greatly, you were a good friend to them, I'm not sure you ever realised just how much you did mean to them. Sam seem's to have accepted my relationship with Claire which I am so pleased about as the Speakmans mean so much to me but I'm sad to say I think Maxine disproves of where I am now, I believe she feels I am moving too fast? How fast is too fast? how long do you wait?  I wasn't looking when I met Claire, I was forging a new life as a single bloke with a Hound, I had plans of travelling to France just me and the mutt.... I can honestly say if Claire had not made that first move I would still be single today, I'm glad she did as she has helped me smile again far quicker than I would have on my own..... Maybe we have moved too fast on this? god only knows that one.... but one thing I have learned from this experience is that there is never "the right time" for anything... you can plan years in advance and it still goes tit's up or you can just pull up anchors and go with the flow and see where the current takes you... we tried the planning thing and see where that got us eh!!!! "maybe next year we will move to France" well that "next year" will now never come for us... so sod everything I'm going with the flow.. positive thoughts and some luck will see me finish the journey hopefully intact and happy.... if not, well what will be will be....
I feel I have aged since you went, I now have aches and pains that affect my daily life, some of them make life difficult.. maybe it is all down to state of mind, the pain is now far greater the lower my spirit is? anyway onwards we must trek....... XXXXXX <3


1 comment:

  1. May the 'man' care for your world Shaun so much good stuff still to do. Your openness helps many others to deal with their own lives. Take good care of those close to you . Rob

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