Thursday, 7 November 2013

well he we are now in November, the months are flying past but the pain is not letting up one inch.... having a bad week, the rain and cold are getting to me and the traffic just seems endless.. I know it is all a state of mind but when your mind is in a state that doesn't help much...
I'm really not enjoying the view from this side of the fence.. it's strange to be the one suffering from depression now when I spent oh so many years supporting, encouraging and loving Hayley through hers.. I really wish she could be here to tell me it's going to be all right, something good is round the corner. or just hold my hand.... I have forgotten home many times I sat and worried about how we would cope with our future but always told Hayley it would be fine, even when I didn't believe it to be true.. I never thought I would say this but I miss those day's of worry and would have them back in a heartbeat..
The bloody dark lord is starting to affect my social life as well, I'm meant to be heading to Holland next week for a long weekend of hotrods and beer.. really not sure my head is going to be in the right place.. I hate it, you know you have a problem, you know it's all in the mind but you cannot do a damn thing about it when it grab's hold...
Today all I want to do is sleep, in fact that is pretty much all I want to do 24/7.... sleep with no dreams is the best thing ever... I have just realised that in trying to pull myself through this horror that I have burdened myself with far too many projects, I do not have need/space or funds to do them all but I'm buggered if I can sell any.... just can't make up my mind which should go.. do think about selling the stuff I owned before all this kicked off so that I'm starting with a fresh sheet, but deep down I know that would be a bad move.. so I'm just having to go with the flow and try not to drown!!!!!
Hayley I miss you more and more each day that passes, things that passed unnoticed at the time are coming back to haunt me... you were the most caring, cranky, awkward and beautiful person I have ever known, your passing has left a void in my soul that makes the grand canyon look like a knife cut.... I hope there is an afterlife because the thought of never seeing you again is breaking me into pieces.. RIP my lover, friend and companion XXXXX

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