Monday, 15 April 2013

Well i have found new depth's of despair these last couple of month's!! I have been so low that i thought I would never ever get back again. Day's are getting slowly easier with less and less manic moments but I'm still gripped by this massive sense of loss and confusion, I still can't meet someone I haven't seen for ages without losing it big time though the big difference now is I can hold it back until I'm alone in the car, house, garage etc...
Only time I seem to be able to blank my mind for a short period of time is when I'm working on the car in the barn, even working on Saltster the Pendine bike at home is a massive, massive struggle which usually ends with me in floods of tears for no real reason... well there is a reason but a somewhat elusive trigger...
Hayley was a bigger part of my life than I ever realised, miss her so much each and every day, quite often cry myself to sleep.. hardly feel like the 50 year old i nearly am and more like a 5 year old.. I feel like I'm sleep walking through life now, nothing sinks in and nothing really means that much anymore...
On a positive note I have taken a young dog from Foal Farm rescue center into my home and heart, he will be the distraction I need and also the company I crave in the long evenings. I may head to a pub again now I have so company... Only down side is that Hayley isn't here to enjoy him with me... christ will I ever be right in myself ever again? I know it has only been 3 months since my world imploded but I am feeling no better and it is getting no easier with time passing.... anyway got to sign off as I'm having trouble seeing the keyboard through the tears!!! here's Harvey, the Hotrod Hound....

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