the view from the climb is amazing.. sadly when you drop it seems the higher you got the harder the landing!!! I have had a good few day's, work is finally starting to feel OK and being back in a routine isn't so bad... still cry like a baby on a daily basis, still miss Hayley's silly voices and mad comments, miss having to explain the plot of a tv mystery in fact I just miss her full stop...
I'm well into the 3rd book of my life now.. one that I hadn't planned starting for years, if ever.. book one was my life from 0-21, book 2 was the Hayley Years and book 3 is from now on.... I never thought I would out live the missus, in fact Hayley used to worry about me going first.. i've probably mentioned that before and prob will again as my memory isn't much cop with real life stuff....
Walking young Harvey in the fields back of my house today and that feeling of mega loneliness just swamped me .. I know I have the support of my family, my friends and the wonderful company of Harvey etc but the hole that Hayley has left in my life is so so big that at times it feels like it will swallow me whole!!!
I know how large my presence was in Hayley's life, she told me often enough but I wonder if Hayley ever realised just how huge she was in mine? did I tell her enough? I damn well hope so... I also hope she knew I was by her bedside in those last few day's, sitting by her side as she breathed her last few breath's.. holding her hand and telling her how much I loved her and not to be so damn selfish and leave me on my own!!! the world is a shit place and I need her with me, she was my rock, my backbone, it was Hayley who gave me the confidence to try!!!! without you missus I am nothing... I will live on and try to make something of myself, though what I do not know... so far just getting through each day is enough...
Still miss you today as much as I did on the day I lost you, if anything I think I miss you more the longer we are apart...
I'm not sure writing this is working anymore? I seem to cry buckets when I'm writing, but I guess it is better let it out, both the words and the tears than to hold it all back.....