Well i have found new depth's of despair these last couple of month's!! I have been so low that i thought I would never ever get back again. Day's are getting slowly easier with less and less manic moments but I'm still gripped by this massive sense of loss and confusion, I still can't meet someone I haven't seen for ages without losing it big time though the big difference now is I can hold it back until I'm alone in the car, house, garage etc...
Only time I seem to be able to blank my mind for a short period of time is when I'm working on the car in the barn, even working on Saltster the Pendine bike at home is a massive, massive struggle which usually ends with me in floods of tears for no real reason... well there is a reason but a somewhat elusive trigger...
Hayley was a bigger part of my life than I ever realised, miss her so much each and every day, quite often cry myself to sleep.. hardly feel like the 50 year old i nearly am and more like a 5 year old.. I feel like I'm sleep walking through life now, nothing sinks in and nothing really means that much anymore...
On a positive note I have taken a young dog from Foal Farm rescue center into my home and heart, he will be the distraction I need and also the company I crave in the long evenings. I may head to a pub again now I have some company... Only down side is that Hayley isn't here to enjoy him with me... christ will I ever be right in myself ever again? I know it has only been 3 months since my world imploded but I am feeling no better and it is getting no easier with time passing.... anyway got to sign off as I'm having trouble seeing the keyboard through the tears!!! here's Harvey, the Hotrod Hound....

God life is hard, far harder than I ever could have imagined!! I have good day's now with very little trauma, but shit when that trauma hit's it hit's hard... I am moving forward Hayley.. trying to get my life back ontrack but it means fuck all without you.. I am exploring avenues that would have been well out of reach had you still been around, I have the opportunity to own things that would have only been a dream had things turned out differently!! but does this make me feel any better? does it hell !!! given the chance I would give up everything I currently own and could possibly own in the future to have you back here, I miss you more than I can possibly ever say, some times I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up, but then I worry about what would happen to the rabbit's!!
I hope if you can see and hear me you can at least know I miss you, my life is not worth chuff all now but I will keep on treading that tread mill, keep the rabbit's happy and well cared for, build things that seem important but really don't mean shit!! but in all honesty I'm just awaiting my time to come and see you again..
miss you loads. XXXXXXXXXXXXX

struggling again today missus, went up foal farm to take some dog food and bit's and pieces for them to sell. not the same without you!!!! made in-roads on adopting a dog.. found one that should fit in with the rabbit's which is the most important thing...
Maybe it's just me but my life-line that was facebook seems to have taken a real turn for the negative, every other post seems to be fired by hatred and the endless political post's are really f**king me off, I am fully aware of what is going on in the world without having it force fed down my throat.. it was my haven, somewhere to escape to share lifes good and fun things... I'm finding life hard enough each and everyday without having reminders of just how crap the real world is.. and what really get's my goat are all the armchair activist's who think they are leading a revolution by posting and sharing all this bollox!!! if they really cared so much why the hell aren't they out there campaigning to run for parliament, or organising protest groups....
Maybe the bubble has burst for me, maybe I have used facebook as far as I can, or maybe I have just grown to rely on it far too much??? I don't know but it sure as hell feels like a different place these last couple of weeks....
What I need are positive happy folk around me, a little sunshine and warmth.. not hatred and negativity..
maybe I should just keep clear for a bit and see how I feel if I go back.. I'm guessing I will go back as I have made some cracking virtual mates... problem is all mine really, I need to blank out the negative and focus on the positive but it is so so hard to not be affected by it all.. it's not their fault I'm over sensitive at the moment, it's just losing you was the most catastrophic thing that could possibly ever happen to me, all the rest is just background noise.. nothing anyone could do to me now could be worse than what I'm already experiencing.. for me January 6th 2013 changed my whole perspective on life, nothing will ever be the same again and the thing's that I thought mattered before then I have come to realise don't mean shit in the great scheme of things.
Lighten up folks... tomorrow may well be too late!!!!!

Well Hayley I have had a full weekend, surrounded by loads of good friends and family but I feel the most alone when I'm in a crowd....I miss you so bloody much, miss our little trips to rummage through tat at our favourite junk shop's, going to miss our fish and chips by the harbour in Rye, but most of all I miss just having you around... everything I do reminds me off you...
I am trying to keep a brave face on it all, trying to get out there and do things, deep breath and forwards we go!!! god this is so so hard....
I love you more as each day passes, the hole you have left is massive.. far bigger than I bet you ever imagined... I will have a future, I will achieve things but sadly none of it will mean half as much without you to share it with....
Love alway's XXXXXXX

Just posted this on facebook, I thought I would write a little something to thank all the folk who have been/are watching out for me, that little something turned into this...

isn't life strange.. a mere 3 months ago I was as happy chappy, things weren't perfect but I had all the things a person really needs in life, a wife (my soul mate and best friend), both parent's and a cool brother and sister, pet's, a nice house, my health (well at least i haven't gone blind yet which is always a bonus!!) and a healthy interest in old vehicles which has given me probably to coolest bunch of mates anyone could wish for.. I had dreams and wishes like anyone else but that's all they were.. if they didn't happen no hassle.. Now nearly a 1/4 of the way through 2013 all that has changed and changed big time... life hit me with the cruelest blow on jan 6th when it took Hayley from me so suddenly.. then and in some form now I could see no future, still struggle but I am making plans.. the Cosmic supply company has also taken note of my life long wish list and dropped some very cool, very tempting offers into my lap at a very opportune time for me.. maybe if I'm lucky, that's where Hayley has ended up.. in the wish list department of the cosmic supply co...
I still miss her massively and I'm still struggling big time trying to get back into normal life, I still have a few massive hurdles to cross before i can really start to look forward, but I am getting help in various forms now...
I would just like to thank all those peeps out there who have been and are watching my back for me, I would buy you all a drink but I don't think that a party that size would do me much good.. it's thanks to you all that I feel i will survive this, I will move forward and I will make Hayley proud of me...
You will see some odd and eccentric behavior from me over the next few day's/month's/years as I readjust my life, Hayley was the organised one, me I'm like a rudderless boat, going where the wind blow's so i do hope she will be out there pointing me in the right direction, I'm sure if she misses something one of you will kick me back on track...
Cheers Phil for posting me this little piece of inspiration... a dream of owning such a cool piece of history is about to come true for me, it won't replace what I have lost but it will certainly help me smile a little again....
Hayley, I don't think this pain will ever fade but in time I guess I will just get used to it, I miss you every waking minute of the day, I hope that wherever you are you are happy... Love now and always SHAUN xxxxx

sorry about my out burst the other day, it was a red wine fueled rant about unscrupulous scum bag's..
Been having a hard few day's, outside influences have been putting a whole heap of pressure on me and my resolve has been a little shaky... Thank you to all who were concerned enough to make contact, you know who you are XX
Probably had the worst Saturday night so far, had made plans to go visit a Hotrod Shop's open night, but failed to find any fellow travelers and I couldn't handle the journey on my own.. spent the evening moving from sofa to study, computer to tv and could I find anything to keep me occupied? could I hell!!! I have never felt so alone as I did last night.. sure I could have picked up the phone and gone out to visit but I have got to be able to feel comfortable with my own company.. I don't do pub's anymore so that's out as an option, mind you there isn't anywhere local to me that I would want to spend either my time or hard earned in even if I was a pub person..
Went into the garage to chat with my rabbit's and disturbed them mid grooming session.. I felt like a gooseberry so left them to it.. I am so glad I have them for company but do wish they were a little more interactive than they are, though it does please me that they are so happy with each other that I am just a necessary part of their lives to supply food and cleaning..means I can leave them alone all day without a worry... still you can't have everything eh!!
That is what I miss so much about not having Hayley around.. we honestly didn't need much in life to be happy, we had each other, our pets and our hobbies.. don't really need much more than that.. well extra sheckles always help's!! Funny thing is, the Cosmic supply company has turned up several of my dream item's recently at good prices, there was a time when this would have made as happy as a dog with 2 tails... now it just makes me thankful I have these interest's to keep me moving.. nothing is the same without Hayley to share it with.. god I miss you missus.. XXXXXXXXXXXXX

quiet evening at home, rabbits in the garage, f**k all on the telly, roast pork for dinner.. not quite the same without you missus.. F****ng creditors have started to hassle me now, how rude and unprofessional is that to send letters demanding money to a person that they have been informed has passed away!!!!! a knife into the heart couldn't feel more painful at this moment...
I WAS happy to settle the debt's but now feel like F*CK em.. take me to court you heartless f**ks!!!
slipped on my non alcohol promise as well.... purchased a bottle of red to do Coq au vin and have mullered it tonight.... sorry H but it is so f***ing hard without you...
missing you more than ever today... love you lot's XXXXXXXXX