Tired!

 Awoke this morning to an over whelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness! Man this is the longest spell of low that I have ever experienced, it recedes into the background then hits you again unexpectedly but its always there! This morning is glorious and we have a weekend planned with friends on a beach in Wales so I should be flying but instead I’m standing here going through the motions trying not to cry!! I’m tired, all I wish to do is sleep and yet when in bed that isn’t the easiest of tasks! I fall asleep instantly but wake throughout the night and after 03:30-4 it’s so broken I doubt its worth it?

Not sure what to do as I dread going back on meds and I have talked to so many professionals but the organic approach is failing me this time….

Hard to let go

 We had tears this morning after Poppy read a message on my phone to her teacher from nearly 2 years ago advising that it was time for Harvey to go and to be aware that Poppy may well not cope today!! Poppy cannot let Harvey go and still cries when she talks about him and I am just as bad ( in tears as I write this) I really do not know what to say to her to console her, i’ve tried all the usual stuff and how we now have room for Violet in our lives so thats another soul rescued but it doesn’t seem to make any difference sadly!! I think I need to talk to someone again as I cannot escape this low, maybe I’m colouring Poppy’s view of the world! I do hope not!!

Still Sippery

 Just read my last post and it could have been written about today!! Not a good day head wise even though the sunshine is glorious! Tolerance levels are at an all time low and to be honest I’m not sure where to go from here? It is the longest spell of negativity I think I have ever experienced and the lowest I’ve felt for years… I think I need to hit the pause button and step off the world for a bit but how the hell do you do that when you have responsibilities?? 

If I’m honest the only thing keeping me moving at the moment is my gorgeous daughter and my partner, without them I’m not sure I would have enough courage to carry on and to top it all I’m really missing my old hound Harvey who will have been gone for 2 years soon 🐶♥️😢

Slippery Slope

 Today isn’t a good day, head is all over the place and despite being in bed for 8hrs I awoke this morning feeling like I haven’t slept! The walk with the dogs was stressful and I felt very near the edge but if I’m honest the dogs were no worse than normal but my tolerance levels were very low!! I have spoken with a dog behaviourist this morning about Violets behaviour and she has said it is completely fixable, tbh its probably me that needs the training!!

I’m not sure whether its time for my PSA check in regards to my prostrate cancer that has me feeling this low or whether I’m on the cusp of a nervous breakdown? I haven't felt this helpless in an age, maybe its time for a short spell back on medication though I really hate that idea but I’m not so sure I can carry on like this without the fallout affecting those around me!!

Update.

 The difference a day can make, whilst still very low and still teetering on the edge of that abyss, today on the school walk I encountered a couple of dog owners and Violet was her usual vocal self but I did manage to calm her down and the owners could not have been anymore understanding! I know its going to be a hard fought battle to calm her down but she had a really bad start in life and she deserves that effort, I cannot and will not give up on her.

I am now home, coffee in hand and relaxing before I head to work. Don’t get me wrong I could still quite happily close the door on the world and retreat into myself but that won’t do me any favours and you have to keep moving! I honestly do not think I’ll ever get used to depression, just when you think you have a handle on it, can see and feel the triggers BANG!! A real dark one comes from nowhere and takes you to the lowest point you can imagine, it truly frightens me just how bad it can feel when all around everything is going well! I’m  not so sure that if it wasn’t for my daughter I’d still be here, just one hug from her makes the daily battle worth fighting!

Perfect Storm

 So Jan was the last time I wrote something, I wish I could say that I have been chipper between then and now but that couldn’t be further from the truth! I have been low, not belly scraping low but lacking that sparkle. Not enough to log on here but enough to keep stalled from doing anything. 

We had a cracking time in Norfolk for a few days over half term in Feb and I collected my rare Panther Stroud motor from a friend who had rebuilt it for me so I should have been on an up but the constant grey and rain has really sapped any resolve I had!

 I’m currently sitting in my van at work whilst the rain lashes down outside thinking about yesterday… yesterday could quite easily have turned into the Perfect storm, I was low, it was a Monday and it was raining!! Then on my walk to school with my daughter we came across another person and their dog, now we have a rescue terrier who is around 3 years old and we know very little of her history. She is the most loving dog and has fitted in to our lives like a glove but she does have one fault and that is she gets over excited when she spots another dog and makes the most horrendous noise like a strangled parrot and this is pretty embarrassing! Anyway as we walked towards this chap Violet kicked off so I tried my hardest to calm her down but she wouldn’t and as we passed he made a comment along the lines of “not being able to walk around where I live without hassle” it isn’t the first time we have met and in fact I used to walk with him quite a lot when I had my late dog Harvey!

Now I know this comment was nothing but the grumbles of a sad and bitter old man ( conclusion come from the conversations we used to have) and normally it wouldn’t have stayed long in my head but yesterday was different and stay it did, it turned around and festered as I over thought it and by the time I got home I was in a very dark place and sat with my mobile phone and my works sick line whilst I worked out could I face work or not!! Thankfully I had the strength of character to drag myself off the sofa and into work as I believe staying at home would have been disastrous for my mental well being! 

This morning my anxiety was off the scale as I prepared to walk my daughter to school, i was sweating and I felt sick but forced myself to act and carry on as normal, we made the school walk and following dog walk with no issues and I’d really like to thank Kirstie who is the parent of a fellow pupil of my daughters for her company on the walks today and yesterday x

Not a bad run!

 So here we are on the 23rd January 2024 and I last posted on the 17th November 2023 and I have had the best run of positivity for an age.. I turned 60 on the 29th November and that was also the day we laid Nigel to rest, it was a double whammy and I was dreading it!

 I wasn’t happy about turning 60, I can’t explain it as I’ve never worried about ageing before but this time it was different and I guess the reality of having an 8yr old daughter and me being 60 put me in a gloomy place as I know she won’t be any great age when I go! But I did have an epiphany that if I’m lucky enough to equal my dads age (93) when he passed then I’m not even 2/3 of the way through my life! any way couple the dreaded 60 to saying our final farewells to Nigel and I was heading for the perfect storm in my head but strangely it turned into a catalyst for me to push through the gloom and ride forwards with me head held high and positive thoughts in my head!!  

It hasn’t been completely rosy and I will admit to having low days but nothing like the bleakness I have been experiencing, I was even driving my partner mad in the run up to christmas as I was in full on christmas mode, even caught me hoovering whilst wearing a santa hat and singing along to xmas music, a complete contrast to the grumpy arse I usually am at this time!! Even made it through Jan 6th which is the anniversary of losing both Hayley and my dad with only a minor mood dip.

Until today, lousy nights sleep, grey skies and rain and the bleakest of feelings, I so need a holiday where I can sink my toes into the sand and sit beneath palm trees but I’m drawing strength from the fact I’ve done over 2 months without feeling the need to write it down!

Facade

 Seesawing between tears and smiles at the moment and my partner commented today “ that I seemed to be in better spirits” but truth be told I’m just hiding it better today. Sometimes I can keep the facade up and act like everything is rosy but somedays the tears push through the cracks and show like yesterday..

I fully intend to beat this cycle, it may not be easy or quick but just like Hayley did I will push through it and then I can consign the facade to the bin!

Farewell my friend!!

 So yesterday I got the news I had been dreading, Nigel one of my cousins had passed away! He hadn’t been ill for very long but had a very aggressive cancer! Like when we lost Grizz back in ‘21 he cut off all contact with pretty much everyone apart from close family, I understand and support their reasons but it doesn’t make it easy for those wanting to say how much they meant to them and I guess goodbye! Nigel was like a brother to me and we spent loads of time in each others company, I always wanted to be like Nige as he was his own person and did things his way!!

Nigel going after only a few days since we laid Julie to rest is hard. Julie was a big part of the crowd in my late teens and early 20’s and like Nigel is woven into the fabric of my past!!

Since Hayley passing in 2013 I do not handle mortality well, not my own! My going doesn’t faze me ( though I’m not ready to leave Poppy dad less just yet!) at all but its the losing of the folk that I’ve shared my journey with I find difficult and I struggle to let go! Today the world can do one!!

Tired…. Again!

 Sitting here in the dark just before 7am alone with the dogs. Another night where I’ve awoken feeling like I haven’t been asleep, feeling so tired at the moment! Not sure if its the tail end of a virus we think I had a couple of weeks ago or the start of another dark episode of depression slowly settling in! Personally I hope its the tail end of a virus as I’ve spoken with other parents at the school gates and they’ve had the same.

Trying my hardest to do everything to prevent the black dog slipping in, but you know I fear he is already here as the apathy, tiredness and grumpy moods are very noticeable recently! Damn I’m tired of this but counselling has finished and I’m really not happy with the thought of drugs as I’ve mentioned before my personal experience with them (both myself and Hayley) is that they just stall the inevitable!! Maybe I’m wrong and should hold my hands up and try? God knows!!

One of the things that surprises me the most is when I talk to folk around me and most are not even aware of the battles going on inside me, I’m not even sure Claire is aware of how bad it is for me at times, how hard it is just to do the most simple of things! The facade I’ve built is pretty damn convincing!!

Tired again!

 Yesterday was a grim day, caught me totally by surprise and completely unaware! Saturday was a good day and I got a fair bit of gardening done and then too a friends 60th party which was most enjoyable including my terrible dad dancing with Poppy 🤣 but I awoke yesterday feeling really sad and not a little tired! Tried my hardest to make it a positive day but it was an uphill battle and hands up I know I drank too much which I really don’t think helps my mental health one bit so this week I’m going to try and detox with no alcohol all week, wish me luck!

Today isn’t shaping up to be a very good day as the rain is sheeting it down outside and i could happily disappear into a bottle of whiskey and back to bed but I won’t! I will drag myself into the shower and head off to work just like I always do…

Really struggling!

 I’ve been a little quiet as I have been trying to be positive and that includes writing nothing negative down but today I’m struggling big time! Trying to keep all my balls in the air and failing! I walked in the woods and I cried and I’m crying again now!!

 Work is a real nightmare at the moment, it isn’t the job but the effects of gross mismanagement that has ruined a once world beating company!! I’m not sure there is way back from this!!

I’m really not sure how much more of this my mental health can take but I only have 7 years left and I really do not wish to start again but I may well have to!! 

And today I’m missing my old hound Harvey massively! Both dogs have been complete arses and I’m really missing old Harv’s laidback and chilled personality!! Nothing that isn’t repairable has happened but today I could quite happily be a non dog owner!!

Coupled to this I have a funeral on thursday for a friend who departed suddenly and prematurely at only 58! Neil was a special guy, larger than life and always on the go and would take you along in his slipstream!! Really not looking forwards to thursday!!!

Tired!!

 So its back to work today, now I’ve never been a fan of working for a living but hey ho needs must etc but this time the resigned feeling I’ve got because I know I have to go deal with the twerp that is my current manager, guess we have been so lucky with our past bosses but this current one!!! Give me strength, I know I’m going to need it!!

Nudging Despair

 So last week we headed off to Paris in our old camper, and unlike previous trips where I get excited before we leave I spent the preceding days fucking high on the anxiety ladder!! So bloody bad that I wasn’t sure I could actually make the trip!! BUT I have a partner and a daughter who were high on excitement for the trip so what could I do? I did what I believe most caring folk would do and I swallowed my anxiety and bloody got on with it!! I’m so fucking glad I did as the trip was amazing, weather not so as it rained so hard at times Noah would have freaked!! The Hippy Wagon (camper)  performed flawlessly and the camp site was perfectly placed if a little basic.

The turning point for me was my partner getting down on one knee and proposing to me at the top of the Tour Eiffel..  I am still speechless!! I returned home on a massive high but sadly it didn’t last!! Today I learnt of the passing of a very very good friend and to say I’m devastated is so fucking wide of the mark!!! Why oh why can’t we be allowed to enjoy a high without some negative shit being thrown at our feet!!

Today I am most thankful to my daughter for being here, bringing me un-filtered love just when I needed it the most!! Life sucks then you die!!!

Reality

 Well I’ve been surfing a high for a bit, the anxiety has been there in the background advancing and retreating like waves lapping on a beach but yesterday it was back full blown!! It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling but the easiest word to use is disappointed! I look back on my life and I’m deeply disappointed!! I’ve not achieved a fraction of the things I’d set out to do and if I’m honest I feel I’ve only managed 2 things of note, the first was seeing Hayley through her years of depression up to the point where it looked like she had finally pushed past it and was in control if her life again! It was hard both mentally and physically and did take its toll on me which I’m feeling the affects of now!! And the second is bringing Poppy into the world! She is such a light in my darkness and probably the main reason I continue to get up in the mornings though I do question my sanity at times bringing her into this world but the good people is what this world needs more of!! I guess there is possibly a third achievement and that was keeping a roof over our heads when the odds were so stacked against me! 

Believe me it wasn’t for the lack of trying, I put so much effort into surviving when things got hard but circumstances just kept pushing me back! I could have taken the easy option but that isn’t how I was raised, you try your best to do the right thing even if it slowly kills you in the process!

I try and be positive about what I have achieved but on the whole I look in the mirror and the person I see disappoints me and I’m really not sure that I like him that much!! Thankfully my friends don’t seem to see who I see and I’m making it my mission to see the person they see!!

I turn 60 this year and that scares the fuck out of me!! Not because it’s particularly old but because time is running out for me to taste life to the full! If I’m blessed with the luck to live to my parent’s and grandparents ages I have another 25-30 yrs left and I need to make the most of that, I need the freedom from work to allow me the time to fit everything in! But I also need the finances to achieve that!

Maybe I dream too much! But some folk seem to achieve loads without visibly trying and yet I struggle day by day to get just a little of what I’m after… 

Life isn’t for the faint hearted and sometimes I wish I’d never woken up but wake up I do and every time that happens I’m going to do my best and I really need to pull myself out of this hole I find myself in and start living… the clock is ticking….

Life!!

 Well I just get positive results from the cancer clinic that everything is stable and I get more negative from the glaucoma clinic!! My specialist isn’t happy that the meds are keeping my eyes stable so I’ve been referred to another consultant with regards to an operation!! Now if successful it will mean my eyes will only degrade as per aging without the accelerated help of the glaucoma, I’ve yet to investigate the risks as I have to admit it scares the fuck out of me!!

I can’t complain as I’ve had a bloody good run for my money health wise but I really wish the depression and anxiety would do one as it doesn’t make decision making an easy task!! But at least the rain has stopped and the sun is trying to push through!! Oh how the blue skies and warmth from the sun make the world a whole better place!! 

Roller coaster

 I haven’t blogged for a bit, finding time to write when my head has the words ready is far harder than having the time to write when I have nothing to say!!

Anyway I have been mining a high since the weather broke and apart from the negative glaucoma news things have been pretty stable, I managed to stave off a massive anxiety attack that was on the verge of erupting as we struggled to get the camper sorted for our annual pilgrimage to Pendine!! Brake line failure, crushed hand, mot failure and a massive repair job ( good mates are priceless!!!) and the near final straw the completely flat battery the morning before departure!! all were pushing me towards a big attack but positive thinking, deep breathing and mindfulness and in no small part the support from Claire and my close group of mates who went above and beyond!!

Pendine was epic, 04:30 departure on sat morning had us on the beach around 10am and then 2 full days in the sunshine watching Vintage Hotrods thrash up the beach and then the epic 4pm departure and final arrival back on the driveway 10pm.. a tad short of 600 mile roundtrip in under 44hrs.. as I said epic!!

The sunshine has been a much needed boost to my mental wellbeing apart from the rash of negativity on the socials because we had it over 25 for a few days!! God the british!! These past few days have had me slipping a little as rain and greyness have returned but the weekend proved to be better with garage time on sat with a good mate and then out to a bbq for a friends 38th birthday, always makes me chuckle that I’m a year younger than her mum 🤣

But today I can feel the icy fingers of depression sliding across my back, good time walking to school with Poppy and then up into the woods alone with the dogs but as I neared home I could feel that hesitation that knowing what the day is bringing!! Its not that I hate my job I think its the predictable sameness that I’m currently finding hard to move past but my confidence levels are not yet high enough to jump into the unknown!!

Glaucoma

 So I had my yearly check up today and whilst my current condition is not a cause for alarm the chap I saw isn’t happy with the levels of glaucoma i have and the damage 20yrs (since I was diagnosed!!) of it has caused my eyes! I’m currently still well within the thresholds for driving with my eyesight but the gap between irreparable and irreversible damage is closing!! So he is seeking another opinion from another consultant!! Oh the joy of getting older!! Feeling a little jaded today..   

Anxiety!!

 Walking the dogs this morning my mind was it’s usual washing machine churning self! But this hour is my time to sort out my thoughts and prep myself for the day ahead, I’m convinced that without this time I would have missed so much more work time!! Anyway the prevailing thought was how anxiety has taken the place of depression at the moment, personally I prefer depression over anxiety as I seem to have all my coping strategies in place to be able to continue to function whilst depressed! Sure I struggle with motivation whilst depressed and often miss things because of it BUT my day to day life like work etc remains relatively un affected.

Anxiety is a whole different ball game for me, I’d been pretty much anxiety free for quite sometime now but recent events at work have just pushed that button!! I’ve suffered with chronic glaucoma in both eyes for over 20 years now and whilst I don’t find it easy living with the constant threat to my sight the treatment has been bloody good! The DVLA are aware of this and along with the NHS monitoring my condition my employers have been more than happy. Last year I get a new boss, now every so often we have to fill in a form about our health etc for driving for the company and I always declare my glaucoma. Well this time my new boss decides that this isn’t good enough and asks for an occupational health review! Now he tells me this has been triggered by my declaration of glaucoma, so I ask why its suddenly flagged up after 20yrs and he can’t answer! Turns out that when I had my interview the lady told me it wasn’t triggered by the company but by a question HE had asked about whether I was fit to do my job!! and in her honest opinion she was wasting my time as the DVLA would revoke my license way before it became an issue!! And she should know as she also does the interviews on behalf of the DVLA!

To say I’m not happy is a massive understatement and all this was happening at the time I was being diagnosed with prostrate cancer but we still didn’t know how far advanced it was and I’d also just lost or was close to losing Harvey my hound!! I was already struggling mentally and suddenly I had the fear I could be taken off driving and even lose my job, if he had hit me with a baseball bat it couldn’t have done anymore damage!! And to top it all off I’ve since found out I did not need to declare my glaucoma as its a long standing condition!! I feel my integrity has been questioned, I’ve been lied to and a whole unnecessary level of stress has been sent my way for absolutely no good reason other than his desire to fuck with folks lives!! And I’m not the only one!!

Anyway I felt I needed to write this down and get it out of my head as its starting to go sour in there and I’m hoping that by laying it out it will start the healing process!!  

Bad day!!

 Not a good one today! Its 1 year exactly that I lost my beloved hound Harvey and the levels of grief I feel are in comparison to those I felt for Hayley! I’ve never felt the level of loss this big for a pet before but then again Harvey wasn’t just a pet, he was my wingman and it is thanks to him I am still here to write this… after losing Hayley I plummeted into the lowest depths imaginable but I had the rabbits to get me up in the mornings as they needed feeding, cleaning etc but it was good old Harvey that got me out the house on my own. Sure i’d got really good mates and family looking out for me but they couldn’t be there 24/7 so it was the hound and me on a daily basis and it was him that intervened when the bleakness got too much and I could see no way out of it except flicking the switch!! Harvey seemed to know and would come and sit by me and lay his head on my lap and I’d realise that I couldn’t possibly go anywhere! Damn I miss him!!