Seesawing between tears and smiles at the moment and my partner commented today “ that I seemed to be in better spirits” but truth be told I’m just hiding it better today. Sometimes I can keep the facade up and act like everything is rosy but somedays the tears push through the cracks and show like yesterday..
I fully intend to beat this cycle, it may not be easy or quick but just like Hayley did I will push through it and then I can consign the facade to the bin!
So yesterday I got the news I had been dreading, Nigel one of my cousins had passed away! He hadn’t been ill for very long but had a very aggressive cancer! Like when we lost Grizz back in ‘21 he cut off all contact with pretty much everyone apart from close family, I understand and support their reasons but it doesn’t make it easy for those wanting to say how much they meant to them and I guess goodbye! Nigel was like a brother to me and we spent loads of time in each others company, I always wanted to be like Nige as he was his own person and did things his way!!
Nigel going after only a few days since we laid Julie to rest is hard. Julie was a big part of the crowd in my late teens and early 20’s and like Nigel is woven into the fabric of my past!!
Since Hayley passing in 2013 I do not handle mortality well, not my own! My going doesn’t faze me ( though I’m not ready to leave Poppy dad less just yet!) at all but its the losing of the folk that I’ve shared my journey with I find difficult and I struggle to let go! Today the world can do one!!
Sitting here in the dark just before 7am alone with the dogs. Another night where I’ve awoken feeling like I haven’t been asleep, feeling so tired at the moment! Not sure if its the tail end of a virus we think I had a couple of weeks ago or the start of another dark episode of depression slowly settling in! Personally I hope its the tail end of a virus as I’ve spoken with other parents at the school gates and they’ve had the same.
Trying my hardest to do everything to prevent the black dog slipping in, but you know I fear he is already here as the apathy, tiredness and grumpy moods are very noticeable recently! Damn I’m tired of this but counselling has finished and I’m really not happy with the thought of drugs as I’ve mentioned before my personal experience with them (both myself and Hayley) is that they just stall the inevitable!! Maybe I’m wrong and should hold my hands up and try? God knows!!
One of the things that surprises me the most is when I talk to folk around me and most are not even aware of the battles going on inside me, I’m not even sure Claire is aware of how bad it is for me at times, how hard it is just to do the most simple of things! The facade I’ve built is pretty damn convincing!!
Yesterday was a grim day, caught me totally by surprise and completely unaware! Saturday was a good day and I got a fair bit of gardening done and then too a friends 60th party which was most enjoyable including my terrible dad dancing with Poppy 🤣 but I awoke yesterday feeling really sad and not a little tired! Tried my hardest to make it a positive day but it was an uphill battle and hands up I know I drank too much which I really don’t think helps my mental health one bit so this week I’m going to try and detox with no alcohol all week, wish me luck!
Today isn’t shaping up to be a very good day as the rain is sheeting it down outside and i could happily disappear into a bottle of whiskey and back to bed but I won’t! I will drag myself into the shower and head off to work just like I always do…
I’ve been a little quiet as I have been trying to be positive and that includes writing nothing negative down but today I’m struggling big time! Trying to keep all my balls in the air and failing! I walked in the woods and I cried and I’m crying again now!!
Work is a real nightmare at the moment, it isn’t the job but the effects of gross mismanagement that has ruined a once world beating company!! I’m not sure there is way back from this!!
I’m really not sure how much more of this my mental health can take but I only have 7 years left and I really do not wish to start again but I may well have to!!
And today I’m missing my old hound Harvey massively! Both dogs have been complete arses and I’m really missing old Harv’s laidback and chilled personality!! Nothing that isn’t repairable has happened but today I could quite happily be a non dog owner!!
Coupled to this I have a funeral on thursday for a friend who departed suddenly and prematurely at only 58! Neil was a special guy, larger than life and always on the go and would take you along in his slipstream!! Really not looking forwards to thursday!!!
So its back to work today, now I’ve never been a fan of working for a living but hey ho needs must etc but this time the resigned feeling I’ve got because I know I have to go deal with the twerp that is my current manager, guess we have been so lucky with our past bosses but this current one!!! Give me strength, I know I’m going to need it!!
So last week we headed off to Paris in our old camper, and unlike previous trips where I get excited before we leave I spent the preceding days fucking high on the anxiety ladder!! So bloody bad that I wasn’t sure I could actually make the trip!! BUT I have a partner and a daughter who were high on excitement for the trip so what could I do? I did what I believe most caring folk would do and I swallowed my anxiety and bloody got on with it!! I’m so fucking glad I did as the trip was amazing, weather not so as it rained so hard at times Noah would have freaked!! The Hippy Wagon (camper) performed flawlessly and the camp site was perfectly placed if a little basic.
The turning point for me was my partner getting down on one knee and proposing to me at the top of the Tour Eiffel.. I am still speechless!! I returned home on a massive high but sadly it didn’t last!! Today I learnt of the passing of a very very good friend and to say I’m devastated is so fucking wide of the mark!!! Why oh why can’t we be allowed to enjoy a high without some negative shit being thrown at our feet!!
Today I am most thankful to my daughter for being here, bringing me un-filtered love just when I needed it the most!! Life sucks then you die!!!
