Tired again!

 Yesterday was a grim day, caught me totally by surprise and completely unaware! Saturday was a good day and I got a fair bit of gardening done and then too a friends 60th party which was most enjoyable including my terrible dad dancing with Poppy 🤣 but I awoke yesterday feeling really sad and not a little tired! Tried my hardest to make it a positive day but it was an uphill battle and hands up I know I drank too much which I really don’t think helps my mental health one bit so this week I’m going to try and detox with no alcohol all week, wish me luck!

Today isn’t shaping up to be a very good day as the rain is sheeting it down outside and i could happily disappear into a bottle of whiskey and back to bed but I won’t! I will drag myself into the shower and head off to work just like I always do…

Really struggling!

 I’ve been a little quiet as I have been trying to be positive and that includes writing nothing negative down but today I’m struggling big time! Trying to keep all my balls in the air and failing! I walked in the woods and I cried and I’m crying again now!!

 Work is a real nightmare at the moment, it isn’t the job but the effects of gross mismanagement that has ruined a once world beating company!! I’m not sure there is way back from this!!

I’m really not sure how much more of this my mental health can take but I only have 7 years left and I really do not wish to start again but I may well have to!! 

And today I’m missing my old hound Harvey massively! Both dogs have been complete arses and I’m really missing old Harv’s laidback and chilled personality!! Nothing that isn’t repairable has happened but today I could quite happily be a non dog owner!!

Coupled to this I have a funeral on thursday for a friend who departed suddenly and prematurely at only 58! Neil was a special guy, larger than life and always on the go and would take you along in his slipstream!! Really not looking forwards to thursday!!!

Tired!!

 So its back to work today, now I’ve never been a fan of working for a living but hey ho needs must etc but this time the resigned feeling I’ve got because I know I have to go deal with the twerp that is my current manager, guess we have been so lucky with our past bosses but this current one!!! Give me strength, I know I’m going to need it!!

Nudging Despair

 So last week we headed off to Paris in our old camper, and unlike previous trips where I get excited before we leave I spent the preceding days fucking high on the anxiety ladder!! So bloody bad that I wasn’t sure I could actually make the trip!! BUT I have a partner and a daughter who were high on excitement for the trip so what could I do? I did what I believe most caring folk would do and I swallowed my anxiety and bloody got on with it!! I’m so fucking glad I did as the trip was amazing, weather not so as it rained so hard at times Noah would have freaked!! The Hippy Wagon (camper)  performed flawlessly and the camp site was perfectly placed if a little basic.

The turning point for me was my partner getting down on one knee and proposing to me at the top of the Tour Eiffel..  I am still speechless!! I returned home on a massive high but sadly it didn’t last!! Today I learnt of the passing of a very very good friend and to say I’m devastated is so fucking wide of the mark!!! Why oh why can’t we be allowed to enjoy a high without some negative shit being thrown at our feet!!

Today I am most thankful to my daughter for being here, bringing me un-filtered love just when I needed it the most!! Life sucks then you die!!!

Reality

 Well I’ve been surfing a high for a bit, the anxiety has been there in the background advancing and retreating like waves lapping on a beach but yesterday it was back full blown!! It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling but the easiest word to use is disappointed! I look back on my life and I’m deeply disappointed!! I’ve not achieved a fraction of the things I’d set out to do and if I’m honest I feel I’ve only managed 2 things of note, the first was seeing Hayley through her years of depression up to the point where it looked like she had finally pushed past it and was in control if her life again! It was hard both mentally and physically and did take its toll on me which I’m feeling the affects of now!! And the second is bringing Poppy into the world! She is such a light in my darkness and probably the main reason I continue to get up in the mornings though I do question my sanity at times bringing her into this world but the good people is what this world needs more of!! I guess there is possibly a third achievement and that was keeping a roof over our heads when the odds were so stacked against me! 

Believe me it wasn’t for the lack of trying, I put so much effort into surviving when things got hard but circumstances just kept pushing me back! I could have taken the easy option but that isn’t how I was raised, you try your best to do the right thing even if it slowly kills you in the process!

I try and be positive about what I have achieved but on the whole I look in the mirror and the person I see disappoints me and I’m really not sure that I like him that much!! Thankfully my friends don’t seem to see who I see and I’m making it my mission to see the person they see!!

I turn 60 this year and that scares the fuck out of me!! Not because it’s particularly old but because time is running out for me to taste life to the full! If I’m blessed with the luck to live to my parent’s and grandparents ages I have another 25-30 yrs left and I need to make the most of that, I need the freedom from work to allow me the time to fit everything in! But I also need the finances to achieve that!

Maybe I dream too much! But some folk seem to achieve loads without visibly trying and yet I struggle day by day to get just a little of what I’m after… 

Life isn’t for the faint hearted and sometimes I wish I’d never woken up but wake up I do and every time that happens I’m going to do my best and I really need to pull myself out of this hole I find myself in and start living… the clock is ticking….

Life!!

 Well I just get positive results from the cancer clinic that everything is stable and I get more negative from the glaucoma clinic!! My specialist isn’t happy that the meds are keeping my eyes stable so I’ve been referred to another consultant with regards to an operation!! Now if successful it will mean my eyes will only degrade as per aging without the accelerated help of the glaucoma, I’ve yet to investigate the risks as I have to admit it scares the fuck out of me!!

I can’t complain as I’ve had a bloody good run for my money health wise but I really wish the depression and anxiety would do one as it doesn’t make decision making an easy task!! But at least the rain has stopped and the sun is trying to push through!! Oh how the blue skies and warmth from the sun make the world a whole better place!! 

Roller coaster

 I haven’t blogged for a bit, finding time to write when my head has the words ready is far harder than having the time to write when I have nothing to say!!

Anyway I have been mining a high since the weather broke and apart from the negative glaucoma news things have been pretty stable, I managed to stave off a massive anxiety attack that was on the verge of erupting as we struggled to get the camper sorted for our annual pilgrimage to Pendine!! Brake line failure, crushed hand, mot failure and a massive repair job ( good mates are priceless!!!) and the near final straw the completely flat battery the morning before departure!! all were pushing me towards a big attack but positive thinking, deep breathing and mindfulness and in no small part the support from Claire and my close group of mates who went above and beyond!!

Pendine was epic, 04:30 departure on sat morning had us on the beach around 10am and then 2 full days in the sunshine watching Vintage Hotrods thrash up the beach and then the epic 4pm departure and final arrival back on the driveway 10pm.. a tad short of 600 mile roundtrip in under 44hrs.. as I said epic!!

The sunshine has been a much needed boost to my mental wellbeing apart from the rash of negativity on the socials because we had it over 25 for a few days!! God the british!! These past few days have had me slipping a little as rain and greyness have returned but the weekend proved to be better with garage time on sat with a good mate and then out to a bbq for a friends 38th birthday, always makes me chuckle that I’m a year younger than her mum 🤣

But today I can feel the icy fingers of depression sliding across my back, good time walking to school with Poppy and then up into the woods alone with the dogs but as I neared home I could feel that hesitation that knowing what the day is bringing!! Its not that I hate my job I think its the predictable sameness that I’m currently finding hard to move past but my confidence levels are not yet high enough to jump into the unknown!!