wow, nearly a month since I last posted, and straight after another event!! coincidence ?? had a blast of a weekend away at the hayride, one of the best social event's ever again this year.. meeting old and making new friends is good for the soul.. being home and not being able to share the rush,news etc is just not so god, it's so bloody hard... seems i can live in the past far easier than in the present.. give me somewhere full of old bikes and car's and I'm happy.. drop me back into the drudge of work/home/sleep/work/home and I struggle bigtime. Find the effort to go through it all day in, day out is a struggle.. it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.. flying solo is NOT the life I would have chosen and not a life I'm enjoying.. but it isn't that I miss female company just the company of one female... weird shit going on in my head, too young to be single but too old to want to get involved in any sort of relationship... maybe that is just my feelings now? who knows but one thing I do know I miss Hayley more today than I did 4 months ago, the pain is as great now if not greater.. just the lull's between storms are getting longer, but when they hit they hit with a punch.....

Well pendine has been and gone, a complete success it was too... I will write a full report one day when my mind is in the correct place...
Today is another bad day, a visit to the vet's for one of the rabbit's annual injections and it opens up that can of worm's that is being alone is.... God I miss my mate so so fucking much, no one told me that letting go would be this hard. We are now into July and still no let up of the emotions.. I'm starting to feel drained now, I think I may need more help as I can't seem to push through this block!!!!
I don't think that losing a partner is ever easy but at 49 I feel far to young to be going through this and the anger and resentment I feel towards some individuals who just slither through life sucking up every free thing they can, why are you still breathing and Hayley isn't..... she didn't deserve to go so soon, her life was on the up... I just can't shake that sad feeling that is isn't fair.. all irrational thoughts but one's that are firm in the front of my mind....

Nearly Pendine time, been building up to this for ages, shame I just can't get the enthusiasm up for it like I should be.. I dearly want to go but not for the reason's I am....  we are talking 6 months now since I lost Hayley and I still cry buckets on a daily basis, this last week or so has really knocked back again, not sure why? I have so many positive things going for me but I just can't justify anything at the moment.
I did have a nasty scare when I found out a really good mate had been rushed in for heart surgery after suffering 2 heart attacks, thankfully he is back ragging me on the computer so he must be feeling better. I had hoped to be feeling just numb now, not this real rawness and sadness that just swamp's me and reduces me to a wreck.. I am and I think I will be for quite some time a Mess!!!

another day passes, still not really feeling much better... I can at least go out and "enjoy" myself a little now but the payback I get when I come home is almost not worth the effort!!! had a cracking weekend away with a good mate, old motorcycles followed by a BBQ in a field with mucho beer and a blast around the field in a mates hotrod, but FUCK!!! was it worth the pain and guilt I now feel? I miss Hayley so much it hurt's.. I don't seem to be really making any progress at all, I'm just treading water until............. guess maybe this is what my future entails? who know's..
God I miss you XXXXXX

Dear Hayley.
I'm missing you more as each day passes, the list of stuff I want to tell you is growing to an enormous length. I am having better day's but these are followed by some of the most horrendous lows I have ever experienced. I find myself enjoying myself and then bam the realisation that you have gone hit's me so hard in the gut it is physical!! I find I'm longing for the time when thinking of you doesn't make me cry and then the thought of not missing you also tears me apart inside.. I hate the way you were here large as life one minute only to be gone so suddenly the next.
I have Harvey boy as company which is superb but even walking him and seeing all the beauty around me is hard to take.. I thought with the coming of the warm weather I would feel better but I find myself wishing for rain quite a bit of the time so that everything doesn't look so wonderful... You would be so proud of your sister Charlotte and Malcom, they were absolutely amazing during the time you were taken from me, even though Malcom has his own shit to deal with he was constantly on the phone checking up on me....
How I'm going to cope in the coming month's i do not know.. I struggle with work, not the job just being somewhere amongst people, but I know it is doing me good and far better than being on my own which I would happily do...
I do hope that there is an after life and you are somewhere pleasant and happy amongst family and old pet's.. the thought that I will see you again one day fills me with hope..
I love you missus, the hole you have left in my life is so so massive I can hardly begin to contemplate how I'm ever going to feel "whole" again.....
Till we meet again, Love you loads your crushed and almost defeated husband Shaun
XXXXXXXXXXXXX

sitting here in floods, I can feel anger and resentment building in me... why you?? why now when things were starting to turn for us.. I know anger and resentment will not help but i can't control my emotions anymore than I could control your destiny...
I MISS YOU SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!

the view from the climb is amazing.. sadly when you drop it seems the higher you got the harder the landing!!! I have had a good few day's, work is finally starting to feel OK and being back in a routine isn't so bad... still cry like a baby on a daily basis, still miss Hayley's silly voices and mad comments, miss having to explain the plot of a tv mystery in fact I just miss her full stop...
I'm well into the 3rd book of my life now.. one that I hadn't planned starting for years, if ever.. book one was my life from 0-21, book 2 was the Hayley Years and book 3 is from now on.... I never thought I would out live the missus, in fact Hayley used to worry about me going first.. i've probably mentioned that before and prob will again as my memory isn't much cop with real life stuff....
Walking young Harvey in the fields back of my house today and that feeling of mega loneliness just swamped me .. I know I have the support of my family, my friends and the wonderful company of Harvey etc but the hole that Hayley has left in my life is so so big that at times it feels like it will swallow me whole!!!
I know how large my presence was in Hayley's life, she told me often enough but I wonder if Hayley ever realised just how huge she was in mine? did I tell her enough? I damn well hope so... I also hope she knew I was by her bedside in those last few day's, sitting by her side as she breathed her last few breath's.. holding her hand and telling her how much I loved her and not to be so damn selfish and leave me on my own!!! the world is a shit place and I need her with me, she was my rock, my backbone, it was Hayley who gave me the confidence to try!!!! without you missus I am nothing... I will live on and try to make something of myself, though what I do not know... so far just getting through each day is enough...
Still miss you today as much as I did on the day I lost you, if anything I think I miss you more the longer we are apart...
I'm not sure writing this is working anymore? I seem to cry buckets when I'm writing, but I guess it is better let it out, both the words and the tears than to hold it all back.....