Reality

 Well I’ve been surfing a high for a bit, the anxiety has been there in the background advancing and retreating like waves lapping on a beach but yesterday it was back full blown!! It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling but the easiest word to use is disappointed! I look back on my life and I’m deeply disappointed!! I’ve not achieved a fraction of the things I’d set out to do and if I’m honest I feel I’ve only managed 2 things of note, the first was seeing Hayley through her years of depression up to the point where it looked like she had finally pushed past it and was in control if her life again! It was hard both mentally and physically and did take its toll on me which I’m feeling the affects of now!! And the second is bringing Poppy into the world! She is such a light in my darkness and probably the main reason I continue to get up in the mornings though I do question my sanity at times bringing her into this world but the good people is what this world needs more of!! I guess there is possibly a third achievement and that was keeping a roof over our heads when the odds were so stacked against me! 

Believe me it wasn’t for the lack of trying, I put so much effort into surviving when things got hard but circumstances just kept pushing me back! I could have taken the easy option but that isn’t how I was raised, you try your best to do the right thing even if it slowly kills you in the process!

I try and be positive about what I have achieved but on the whole I look in the mirror and the person I see disappoints me and I’m really not sure that I like him that much!! Thankfully my friends don’t seem to see who I see and I’m making it my mission to see the person they see!!

I turn 60 this year and that scares the fuck out of me!! Not because it’s particularly old but because time is running out for me to taste life to the full! If I’m blessed with the luck to live to my parent’s and grandparents ages I have another 25-30 yrs left and I need to make the most of that, I need the freedom from work to allow me the time to fit everything in! But I also need the finances to achieve that!

Maybe I dream too much! But some folk seem to achieve loads without visibly trying and yet I struggle day by day to get just a little of what I’m after… 

Life isn’t for the faint hearted and sometimes I wish I’d never woken up but wake up I do and every time that happens I’m going to do my best and I really need to pull myself out of this hole I find myself in and start living… the clock is ticking….

Life!!

 Well I just get positive results from the cancer clinic that everything is stable and I get more negative from the glaucoma clinic!! My specialist isn’t happy that the meds are keeping my eyes stable so I’ve been referred to another consultant with regards to an operation!! Now if successful it will mean my eyes will only degrade as per aging without the accelerated help of the glaucoma, I’ve yet to investigate the risks as I have to admit it scares the fuck out of me!!

I can’t complain as I’ve had a bloody good run for my money health wise but I really wish the depression and anxiety would do one as it doesn’t make decision making an easy task!! But at least the rain has stopped and the sun is trying to push through!! Oh how the blue skies and warmth from the sun make the world a whole better place!! 

Roller coaster

 I haven’t blogged for a bit, finding time to write when my head has the words ready is far harder than having the time to write when I have nothing to say!!

Anyway I have been mining a high since the weather broke and apart from the negative glaucoma news things have been pretty stable, I managed to stave off a massive anxiety attack that was on the verge of erupting as we struggled to get the camper sorted for our annual pilgrimage to Pendine!! Brake line failure, crushed hand, mot failure and a massive repair job ( good mates are priceless!!!) and the near final straw the completely flat battery the morning before departure!! all were pushing me towards a big attack but positive thinking, deep breathing and mindfulness and in no small part the support from Claire and my close group of mates who went above and beyond!!

Pendine was epic, 04:30 departure on sat morning had us on the beach around 10am and then 2 full days in the sunshine watching Vintage Hotrods thrash up the beach and then the epic 4pm departure and final arrival back on the driveway 10pm.. a tad short of 600 mile roundtrip in under 44hrs.. as I said epic!!

The sunshine has been a much needed boost to my mental wellbeing apart from the rash of negativity on the socials because we had it over 25 for a few days!! God the british!! These past few days have had me slipping a little as rain and greyness have returned but the weekend proved to be better with garage time on sat with a good mate and then out to a bbq for a friends 38th birthday, always makes me chuckle that I’m a year younger than her mum 🤣

But today I can feel the icy fingers of depression sliding across my back, good time walking to school with Poppy and then up into the woods alone with the dogs but as I neared home I could feel that hesitation that knowing what the day is bringing!! Its not that I hate my job I think its the predictable sameness that I’m currently finding hard to move past but my confidence levels are not yet high enough to jump into the unknown!!

Glaucoma

 So I had my yearly check up today and whilst my current condition is not a cause for alarm the chap I saw isn’t happy with the levels of glaucoma i have and the damage 20yrs (since I was diagnosed!!) of it has caused my eyes! I’m currently still well within the thresholds for driving with my eyesight but the gap between irreparable and irreversible damage is closing!! So he is seeking another opinion from another consultant!! Oh the joy of getting older!! Feeling a little jaded today..   

Anxiety!!

 Walking the dogs this morning my mind was it’s usual washing machine churning self! But this hour is my time to sort out my thoughts and prep myself for the day ahead, I’m convinced that without this time I would have missed so much more work time!! Anyway the prevailing thought was how anxiety has taken the place of depression at the moment, personally I prefer depression over anxiety as I seem to have all my coping strategies in place to be able to continue to function whilst depressed! Sure I struggle with motivation whilst depressed and often miss things because of it BUT my day to day life like work etc remains relatively un affected.

Anxiety is a whole different ball game for me, I’d been pretty much anxiety free for quite sometime now but recent events at work have just pushed that button!! I’ve suffered with chronic glaucoma in both eyes for over 20 years now and whilst I don’t find it easy living with the constant threat to my sight the treatment has been bloody good! The DVLA are aware of this and along with the NHS monitoring my condition my employers have been more than happy. Last year I get a new boss, now every so often we have to fill in a form about our health etc for driving for the company and I always declare my glaucoma. Well this time my new boss decides that this isn’t good enough and asks for an occupational health review! Now he tells me this has been triggered by my declaration of glaucoma, so I ask why its suddenly flagged up after 20yrs and he can’t answer! Turns out that when I had my interview the lady told me it wasn’t triggered by the company but by a question HE had asked about whether I was fit to do my job!! and in her honest opinion she was wasting my time as the DVLA would revoke my license way before it became an issue!! And she should know as she also does the interviews on behalf of the DVLA!

To say I’m not happy is a massive understatement and all this was happening at the time I was being diagnosed with prostrate cancer but we still didn’t know how far advanced it was and I’d also just lost or was close to losing Harvey my hound!! I was already struggling mentally and suddenly I had the fear I could be taken off driving and even lose my job, if he had hit me with a baseball bat it couldn’t have done anymore damage!! And to top it all off I’ve since found out I did not need to declare my glaucoma as its a long standing condition!! I feel my integrity has been questioned, I’ve been lied to and a whole unnecessary level of stress has been sent my way for absolutely no good reason other than his desire to fuck with folks lives!! And I’m not the only one!!

Anyway I felt I needed to write this down and get it out of my head as its starting to go sour in there and I’m hoping that by laying it out it will start the healing process!!  

Bad day!!

 Not a good one today! Its 1 year exactly that I lost my beloved hound Harvey and the levels of grief I feel are in comparison to those I felt for Hayley! I’ve never felt the level of loss this big for a pet before but then again Harvey wasn’t just a pet, he was my wingman and it is thanks to him I am still here to write this… after losing Hayley I plummeted into the lowest depths imaginable but I had the rabbits to get me up in the mornings as they needed feeding, cleaning etc but it was good old Harvey that got me out the house on my own. Sure i’d got really good mates and family looking out for me but they couldn’t be there 24/7 so it was the hound and me on a daily basis and it was him that intervened when the bleakness got too much and I could see no way out of it except flicking the switch!! Harvey seemed to know and would come and sit by me and lay his head on my lap and I’d realise that I couldn’t possibly go anywhere! Damn I miss him!!

  

Hopelessness

 Somedays I wake full of hope that I’m going to beat this bleakness and others I awake to the feeling I’m drowning in it! There does not seem to be a pattern, it feels like it just happens!! Today is one of those days I could happily not have woken, the sky is drab, its chilly and there is no guarantee the sun is going to shine!! But as difficult as it is, now I’m awake I will do the best I can to make today a good day… why you may ask? (Or maybe you won’t!!) because if I throw in the towel its a bit like dropping a stone into a still pond, the ripples reach far further than you realise! it not only affects me but it will affect Claire and Poppy and I just cannot allow that to happen!! Good or bad, right or wrong I will head into the day with a smile on my face no matter how fake it is……  

Trouble is today I have that nagging thought that I have a gun to my head, once we get the results of my 2nd blood test back and I have the mri scan we can move forwards with the decision as to which treatment i go for! Neither options fill me with much enthusiasm! If I go brachytherapy there is the chance it will not work and I have since discovered that surgery would then not be an option so surgery should be the way to go but… always that but!! There is the greatest possibility that it will be game over for my sex life and at 59 I feel that I’m not ready for that!! Having a choice is sometimes a very mixed blessing….