Bad day!!

 Not a good one today! Its 1 year exactly that I lost my beloved hound Harvey and the levels of grief I feel are in comparison to those I felt for Hayley! I’ve never felt the level of loss this big for a pet before but then again Harvey wasn’t just a pet, he was my wingman and it is thanks to him I am still here to write this… after losing Hayley I plummeted into the lowest depths imaginable but I had the rabbits to get me up in the mornings as they needed feeding, cleaning etc but it was good old Harvey that got me out the house on my own. Sure i’d got really good mates and family looking out for me but they couldn’t be there 24/7 so it was the hound and me on a daily basis and it was him that intervened when the bleakness got too much and I could see no way out of it except flicking the switch!! Harvey seemed to know and would come and sit by me and lay his head on my lap and I’d realise that I couldn’t possibly go anywhere! Damn I miss him!!

  

Hopelessness

 Somedays I wake full of hope that I’m going to beat this bleakness and others I awake to the feeling I’m drowning in it! There does not seem to be a pattern, it feels like it just happens!! Today is one of those days I could happily not have woken, the sky is drab, its chilly and there is no guarantee the sun is going to shine!! But as difficult as it is, now I’m awake I will do the best I can to make today a good day… why you may ask? (Or maybe you won’t!!) because if I throw in the towel its a bit like dropping a stone into a still pond, the ripples reach far further than you realise! it not only affects me but it will affect Claire and Poppy and I just cannot allow that to happen!! Good or bad, right or wrong I will head into the day with a smile on my face no matter how fake it is……  

Trouble is today I have that nagging thought that I have a gun to my head, once we get the results of my 2nd blood test back and I have the mri scan we can move forwards with the decision as to which treatment i go for! Neither options fill me with much enthusiasm! If I go brachytherapy there is the chance it will not work and I have since discovered that surgery would then not be an option so surgery should be the way to go but… always that but!! There is the greatest possibility that it will be game over for my sex life and at 59 I feel that I’m not ready for that!! Having a choice is sometimes a very mixed blessing….

Another blip on the road!!

 After the gloom and cold of the past couple of days I had really hoped for a better day today but alas its not to be!! This greyness and chill really saps any positivity i have!! I met with my councillor yesterday, my sessions are meant to have ended but the negative news regarding my prostrate cancer and my rising psa has got my anxiety climbing to almost new heights! I feel that the depression has subsided quite a bit but the void its left has been quickly filled with negative thoughts and most of them are totally irrational but try telling my mind that!! Today I could have quite happily not woken up and try as I might I can’t push past this gloom!! I really don’t ask for much from life and I expect even less but please some blue skies and warm sun, its all I need!!

Yesterday a Swedish member of the Panther owners club dropped off some parts, one of which is as rare as rocking horse poo and for the briefest of moments I was buzzing but that was sadly short lived!! Claire and Poppy have just left to meet friends in Hastings and I more than anything wish to be with them but even if I could be today I really think they are better off without this gloomy arse!!

Gloomy weather

 After Saturday and Sunday being reasonably pleasant but yesterday having that cold wind I was looking forwards to some warmth today but i was up early with the dogs and i opened the blinds on the back door to be greeted with an overcast sky and winds and I could feel the gloom engulf me like the reapers cloak!! 

Tired

 It seems relentless at the moment! The endless lows, close to tears and the feeling that i cant go on.. but go on i will, i always do!! Had cause to celebrate yesterday as i got the results back from my blood tests, everything as it should be apart from that damn psa but for a brief moment i felt positive but this morning the gloom is back! This is the longest period of depression I’ve ever had i think, well i’m not sure it ever really went away but this has been the longest feeling of despair that i can recall!! Whether its because of losing Harvey or am i struggling with the loss because of this episode? Who knows but it is certainly challenging my resolve!

I’ve stopped posting on FB about how i feel, i need to give my friends breathing space! Maybe not the correct thing to do but i’m posting here so I’m letting it out which is the whole point! Talking with one of my customers the other week and i mentioned that hitting 60 is scaring the hell out of me! I was so surprised when she turned round and said she had felt exactly the same just a few short weeks previously, in fact she said she had almost had a breakdown over it!! Now i’ve never been one to worry about age, always said its how you feel that is important! But somehow turning 60, for the first time feels old! Irrational? Its just the feeling that the door is closing and I’m running out of time to do some of those things I’ve long dreamt of!! I’m incredibly lucky that I’m still as active as i am and long may that continue and hopefully I’ll be like my parents and still very active into my 80’s and even 90’s like my dad!! But i still hanker for adventure, I would love to travel for a bit, not just holiday but proper travel!! 

My hands are tied at the moment as i do not have the time for everything and at this particular moment in time spending time with Poppy is at the top of my list as i know I’m not going to be here for her forever and being an older dad does shorten that time so making good strong memories is oh so important to me!! Writing that has just started the tears!! My god i wish i could control this!!

Another Monday another crash!

 So another Monday another crash!! Usual cycle but today it feels that little bit deeper.. I’m tired and I’ve had enough, life just keeps throwing shit at me!! I’m sure its all for a reason but I feel stupid not being able to understand it!! I need to do something as I cant carry on like I am because I’m sure the damage will start to be done soon to those around me..

I’ve often thought about going back on medication but I really don't feel that is the right way, 25 plus years of watching Hayley on pills and all it seemed to do was suppress the emotions until they could be contained no longer and BOOM meltdown time! Also my brief time on it for anxiety and then depression wasn't the best of times for me and i cant help but feel that unless your prepared to spend the rest of your days on pills then you will have to face your demons one day anyway so why not now!!

That being said I really would like just a brief period of calm without all of the self destructive thoughts hammering away at my head!! The slightly negative review with the cancer clinic hasn't helped and my anxiety has me blowing it well out of pre-portion but if they’ve got the diagnosis of my non aggressive cancer wrong what else might they have missed? I’m so tired of life at the moment but I’m really not ready for it to stop but man I really don’t know how to ignite that spark again!!

Illness update

 Just off the phone to a clinical nurse at the cancer unit and my psa has risen so I’m being removed from the monitoring list and will need either treatment or removal of the prostrate!! Not the result I’d hoped for and to be honest more than a little scared! Dealing with this whilst struggling with anxiety and depression hasn’t been easy and  I don’t really know where I’m going with this….