Another Monday another crash!

 So another Monday another crash!! Usual cycle but today it feels that little bit deeper.. I’m tired and I’ve had enough, life just keeps throwing shit at me!! I’m sure its all for a reason but I feel stupid not being able to understand it!! I need to do something as I cant carry on like I am because I’m sure the damage will start to be done soon to those around me..

I’ve often thought about going back on medication but I really don't feel that is the right way, 25 plus years of watching Hayley on pills and all it seemed to do was suppress the emotions until they could be contained no longer and BOOM meltdown time! Also my brief time on it for anxiety and then depression wasn't the best of times for me and i cant help but feel that unless your prepared to spend the rest of your days on pills then you will have to face your demons one day anyway so why not now!!

That being said I really would like just a brief period of calm without all of the self destructive thoughts hammering away at my head!! The slightly negative review with the cancer clinic hasn't helped and my anxiety has me blowing it well out of pre-portion but if they’ve got the diagnosis of my non aggressive cancer wrong what else might they have missed? I’m so tired of life at the moment but I’m really not ready for it to stop but man I really don’t know how to ignite that spark again!!

Illness update

 Just off the phone to a clinical nurse at the cancer unit and my psa has risen so I’m being removed from the monitoring list and will need either treatment or removal of the prostrate!! Not the result I’d hoped for and to be honest more than a little scared! Dealing with this whilst struggling with anxiety and depression hasn’t been easy and  I don’t really know where I’m going with this….

Illness

 So about the same time last year as I was realising something serious was wrong with my Harvey I find out something serious was wrong with me!! I’d started the year with a bad back and then developed an uncomfortable feeling in my side which we at first put down to the medication but my doctor decided to run a few blood tests just to see if anything else was amiss and she added the PSA (if your male and over 50 you should know all about the psa test and if you don’t research it because it could just save your life!!) because “I’m of that age”.

The psa came back with a slight high reading so I had the manual test and an enlarged prostrate was found, not worrying in itself but it can mean cancer so I was booked for a scan. Now once the C word starts getting used doors open and things move quickly and I soon had the appointment. Around this time we discovered that Harvey had a very aggressive form of lymphoma and was given weeks to live without treatment. I asked the docs about his quality of life and would he still be able to enjoy his walks etc if he was treated and they could give me no definite answer so it was away to think about it.

Back to me, the scan revealed an anomaly on my prostrate which could be cancer so I was booked in for a biopsy. Meanwhile Harvey’s decline was quick and with no guarantee that he would improve I took the very hard decision not to put him through long invasive treatments and let nature take its course. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do as I wanted him to live for ever but only if he was himself and not just a shell I’m keeping alive!!

On June 9th 2022 I lost Harvey and then had to go for my biopsy which revealed I had a high percentage of cancer in my prostrate but it was a low grade non aggressive variant. Best of a bad job I guess but the worm had got in my head that the bad back, side discomfort and the cancer were all linked and I was on borrowed time! I’d walk Poppy to school quietly asking myself how many more of these am I going to get!! I started to look at the world with different eyes, thinking you have the reaper looking over your shoulder is a sobering experience, eventually after more tests they confirmed that the cancer had not spread and my back and side were not connected! The relief was incredible but the damage done to my mind was already there!

I’m currently on the monitoring list for the cancer, both the recommended treatments come with “effects” I’m not happy about, if I opt for removal there is a massive chance I will lose my ability to make love and at 59 I’m not ready for that! Not with a gorgeous younger partner!! And if I go for the brachytherapy route (which is my preferred option) Poppy wouldn’t be allowed near me for over 3 months due to her age and the radiation I’ll be giving off and I’m not sure I can handle that, her hugs keep me afloat when the depression wants to drag me under!! Now if monitoring wasn’t an option and treatment was needed this decision would be a lot easier!

So we come to this week, after weeks of waiting I’ve finally had my first psa test since diagnosis on Tuesday and I’m awaiting my phone consultation later today with the cancer specialist. But when they took my bloods at the docs they decided to run tests on my liver, kidneys, diabetes and cholesterol and yesterday at 17:59 I get this text from the docs

“ Dear Mr Veness,

I have reviewed your result. Please contact the surgery and book a review with the GP within 1 week.

Thank you, Dr …….”

To say my anxiety is off the scale isn’t an exaggeration!! I already feel I’m on borrowed time, which is irrational as my cancer is treatable but that’s how my brain is working!! Which brings me back to the depression which I now believe is being fuelled by the fear I’m running out of time!! I’m not scared of death, watching Hayley pass has rid me of that fear but it’s the fear of leaving Poppy fatherless, not having made enough memories!! I struggle everyday with the grind that is the work/life routine but I really don’t know how to break out of that cycle! Half of me wishes to cut the ropes and sail off and disappear and the other half knows it isn’t that simple!

Confusion of the mind

 So in another step on my road back to the old me, if that person still exists! We adopted another dog from Foal Farm, the same place i rescued my departed wingman Harvey T Hound from. She has been with us for a couple of days now and is fitting in a treat, over the past few weeks I’ve felt the need to bring another lost soul into our family for a couple of reasons, 1 to help me heal from the loss of Harvey and 2 to help distract me as I figure out how I’m going to progress with my prostrate cancer treatment. This is something I’ve had to do without the company of my beloved Harvey who I always turned to when down, I have the most wonderful partner and daughter but it was always Harvey who I relied on!! My ongoing struggle with depression and anxiety is really grinding me down and add the cancer to the mix and I’m just about done mentally! I am so tired I sometimes don’t know if I can carry on but I always do!!

I’m currently being monitored for the cancer as it’s a low grade and probably if I wasn’t depressed this wouldn’t be an issue but I’m currently struggling with knowing I have this thing inside me which is potentially life shortening and maybe I should “get it sorted”. Herein lies the other problem I’m struggling with, if I go for the brachytherapy my 8yr old daughter will not be allowed anywhere near me for 2- 3 months due to the radiation and I’m not sure I could handle that as her hugs are one of the main things that keep me fighting and if I opt for removal there is a very high risk of impotency and incontinence and I don’t feel ready for that yet!! Now if treatment was needed to save my life the decision would be so much easier!!

I know I’m lucky with my diagnosis but the constant nagging from the dark side of my brain just blows everything out of proportion and adds to the struggle! I’m hoping that by writing it down it will slowly settle into its correct places and I can rationally make clearer decisions.

resurrection of the blog

 So I have decided to resurrect the blog, I really wish to write more and express the battles I'm having with my brain but finding the publicicity of FaceBook a little overwhelming and I really do not wish to drive my friends away with my constant negative posts.. god knows I complain about the negativity on FB enough!!

Here I can express myself with very few people reading.. for those 1 or 2 that find me buckle up and enjoy the ride.. it will possibly be dark and disturbing ... X

Dropping the ball!!

So today I dropped the ball big time, I was in the kitchen talking to Claire whilst I prepared Poppy and her lunches when it hit like a hurricane! Uncontrollable tears, I couldn’t speak!! Where it came from I do not know but come it did!! I hid myself over by the sink until it had subsided as I really do not wish Poppy to witness this too often, bless her she worries enough about things as it is! ( over thinker like me sadly!) It was gone as quick as it came but has left me with that awful feeling of bleakness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. One of the factors I’m guessing that is contributing to my current mood is the fact that in the last just over 4 years I’ve lost 4 of the most important beings in my life! Mum Xmas 2018, Dad Jan 2020, Grizz May 2021 and Harvey June 2022, nope I don’t handle loss very well since Hayley!

So far the time spent with Poppy walking to school has been the only brightness today, even the weather has turned gloomy now!

So I’m currently sitting on the sofa with Hunter, tears not far away trying my hardest to be positive. Working it out I’ve been dealing with depression from one side of the fence or the other for around 38 years now and I’m so tired of it! It’s time it left me alone!!

Work today? I’m really not sure tbh, I have a cancer review with my doctor tomorrow that is playing on my mind plus I’d like some answers about the current pain in my hand!! Man all I feel like I’ve done recently is complain and I hate myself for that, where o where has the good Shaun gone 😢

endless circle!!

So here I sit again.. another Monday and another crashing low.. I'm trying so hard to keep it all level and happy for Claire and Poppy's sake but jeeez its the lowest I have felt since the early day's of 2013 just after I lost Hayley..
The crazy thing is that my life couldn't possibly get much better than it is at the moment.. I am the most financially secure I have ever been in my life.. my Panther motorcycle sits on the bench almost ready for the road and my "new" Ford sedan family wagon is close to coming home!! (though I have/am having sleepless nights worrying about all the time my mates have put into this and the space I have been taking with it..) I'm in the best shape physically I have been for many a year and I have my hound, Claire and the wonderful Poppy to share it all with...
I know I have lost both my mum and dad in the past year, it didn't help with dad being ill and passing on the 7th anniversary of Hayley going.. that was a hard one to deal with and then the loss of my good mate and work colleague Pat only just after he had helped me through my first week back at work after losing dad... but M&D both had long lives, hadn't really suffered long term illness that kept them bed ridden or hospitalised.. I was very fortunate to have had them in my life for as long as I did.. not everyone gets that chance..
I'm really not sure where I'm going with this but its been bombing around my head so much of late I really needed to get it out... I still think a lot has to do with the way we were cheated with Hayley going just as she had taken control of her life for the first time in over 20 years, I had seen the reemergence of the old Hayley for the first time in years.. the persona that everyone loved was back 24/7 rather than just in public.. she was so strong for fighting depression for as long as she did.. it almost crushed us time and time again but neither of us would give in!! I still miss her and have a list of things I want to tell her and her mum as long as my arm..
I have finally come to terms with her passing and I'm at peace with that, but I still can't get past the anger I feel for the depression that stole so much time from us!! I'm not sure I will ever get past that despite trying as hard as I do, but negativity will solve nothing so I am trying my hardest to really let go of what "has been" and not let it ruin what is to come....
Poppy and Claire bring so much light into my life I feel so blessed, I just hope my mental battle with the past is won before it taints what I have now...….