Confusion of the mind

 So in another step on my road back to the old me, if that person still exists! We adopted another dog from Foal Farm, the same place i rescued my departed wingman Harvey T Hound from. She has been with us for a couple of days now and is fitting in a treat, over the past few weeks I’ve felt the need to bring another lost soul into our family for a couple of reasons, 1 to help me heal from the loss of Harvey and 2 to help distract me as I figure out how I’m going to progress with my prostrate cancer treatment. This is something I’ve had to do without the company of my beloved Harvey who I always turned to when down, I have the most wonderful partner and daughter but it was always Harvey who I relied on!! My ongoing struggle with depression and anxiety is really grinding me down and add the cancer to the mix and I’m just about done mentally! I am so tired I sometimes don’t know if I can carry on but I always do!!

I’m currently being monitored for the cancer as it’s a low grade and probably if I wasn’t depressed this wouldn’t be an issue but I’m currently struggling with knowing I have this thing inside me which is potentially life shortening and maybe I should “get it sorted”. Herein lies the other problem I’m struggling with, if I go for the brachytherapy my 8yr old daughter will not be allowed anywhere near me for 2- 3 months due to the radiation and I’m not sure I could handle that as her hugs are one of the main things that keep me fighting and if I opt for removal there is a very high risk of impotency and incontinence and I don’t feel ready for that yet!! Now if treatment was needed to save my life the decision would be so much easier!!

I know I’m lucky with my diagnosis but the constant nagging from the dark side of my brain just blows everything out of proportion and adds to the struggle! I’m hoping that by writing it down it will slowly settle into its correct places and I can rationally make clearer decisions.

resurrection of the blog

 So I have decided to resurrect the blog, I really wish to write more and express the battles I'm having with my brain but finding the publicicity of FaceBook a little overwhelming and I really do not wish to drive my friends away with my constant negative posts.. god knows I complain about the negativity on FB enough!!

Here I can express myself with very few people reading.. for those 1 or 2 that find me buckle up and enjoy the ride.. it will possibly be dark and disturbing ... X

Dropping the ball!!

So today I dropped the ball big time, I was in the kitchen talking to Claire whilst I prepared Poppy and her lunches when it hit like a hurricane! Uncontrollable tears, I couldn’t speak!! Where it came from I do not know but come it did!! I hid myself over by the sink until it had subsided as I really do not wish Poppy to witness this too often, bless her she worries enough about things as it is! ( over thinker like me sadly!) It was gone as quick as it came but has left me with that awful feeling of bleakness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. One of the factors I’m guessing that is contributing to my current mood is the fact that in the last just over 4 years I’ve lost 4 of the most important beings in my life! Mum Xmas 2018, Dad Jan 2020, Grizz May 2021 and Harvey June 2022, nope I don’t handle loss very well since Hayley!

So far the time spent with Poppy walking to school has been the only brightness today, even the weather has turned gloomy now!

So I’m currently sitting on the sofa with Hunter, tears not far away trying my hardest to be positive. Working it out I’ve been dealing with depression from one side of the fence or the other for around 38 years now and I’m so tired of it! It’s time it left me alone!!

Work today? I’m really not sure tbh, I have a cancer review with my doctor tomorrow that is playing on my mind plus I’d like some answers about the current pain in my hand!! Man all I feel like I’ve done recently is complain and I hate myself for that, where o where has the good Shaun gone 😢

endless circle!!

So here I sit again.. another Monday and another crashing low.. I'm trying so hard to keep it all level and happy for Claire and Poppy's sake but jeeez its the lowest I have felt since the early day's of 2013 just after I lost Hayley..
The crazy thing is that my life couldn't possibly get much better than it is at the moment.. I am the most financially secure I have ever been in my life.. my Panther motorcycle sits on the bench almost ready for the road and my "new" Ford sedan family wagon is close to coming home!! (though I have/am having sleepless nights worrying about all the time my mates have put into this and the space I have been taking with it..) I'm in the best shape physically I have been for many a year and I have my hound, Claire and the wonderful Poppy to share it all with...
I know I have lost both my mum and dad in the past year, it didn't help with dad being ill and passing on the 7th anniversary of Hayley going.. that was a hard one to deal with and then the loss of my good mate and work colleague Pat only just after he had helped me through my first week back at work after losing dad... but M&D both had long lives, hadn't really suffered long term illness that kept them bed ridden or hospitalised.. I was very fortunate to have had them in my life for as long as I did.. not everyone gets that chance..
I'm really not sure where I'm going with this but its been bombing around my head so much of late I really needed to get it out... I still think a lot has to do with the way we were cheated with Hayley going just as she had taken control of her life for the first time in over 20 years, I had seen the reemergence of the old Hayley for the first time in years.. the persona that everyone loved was back 24/7 rather than just in public.. she was so strong for fighting depression for as long as she did.. it almost crushed us time and time again but neither of us would give in!! I still miss her and have a list of things I want to tell her and her mum as long as my arm..
I have finally come to terms with her passing and I'm at peace with that, but I still can't get past the anger I feel for the depression that stole so much time from us!! I'm not sure I will ever get past that despite trying as hard as I do, but negativity will solve nothing so I am trying my hardest to really let go of what "has been" and not let it ruin what is to come....
Poppy and Claire bring so much light into my life I feel so blessed, I just hope my mental battle with the past is won before it taints what I have now...….

Sadness

So it continues, the circle of life!! On Jan 6th the 7th anniversary of losing Hayley I lost my dad!! Yes he was 93 and starting to get a bit doddery but the speed he went has shocked me.... and on the anniversary as well which I am finding very difficult to deal with!! The “what’s the point” lethargy is back very very strongly and I’m finding it very hard to do even the simplest of things... I know it will pass but for the moment it makes life a very hard place to be a part of, if it wasn’t for the hound, Claire and Poppy I don’t think I have the mental strength to continue.. I’ve struggled with depression both my own and Hayley’s for too much of the last 35 or so years... please give me a break!!!

So here I sit, May 15th 2019... my mums birthday but sadly we lost her Xmas eve 2018... so this is the first one without her... god I miss her, after losing Hayley in 2013 I have found I’ve struggled with  death, I can’t get past the “ I’m never going to see them again” and the biggest problem I’m having at the moment is getting my head around personal possessions!! Things that mean the world to you mean diddly squat to others and that makes the owning of things somehow seem pointless!! I look at stuff I cherish and I know when I’m gone it will just be more junk for those left behind to deal with as the personal attachment is mine and not theirs!! God today has been a hard one and if I had the balls I could easily have flicked the off switch... depression!! I hate depression for what it did to Hayley, I hate depression for what it stole from me and I hate depression for how it makes me feel now!! I have everything to live for and today was or at least should have been a good day with the sunshine and out in the Hotrod but somehow the shadows have been almost all consuming!!! 6 years on from Hayley’s passing and despite all the positive things in my life the dark lord and his black dog keep snapping at my heels..... maybe this is my path now, I hope not as I’m not sure I’m strong enough to shoulder that any more??
I did nearly a whole year with Cruse for bereavement counselling and yes it did help but maybe I just think to much or even expect too much from life but I feel sometimes that I’m never going to be fully happy?? I love my partner and I can’t express how much I love my daughter but why do I despise myself so much? What have I done wrong? Oh well time to sleep tomorrow is another day, let’s hope it’s positive xx

Time marches on!!!!

Well it's now over 4.5 years since my life changed forever! Life has been very good to me and now  I have a loving partner and a gorgeous little girl Poppy.
 But and isn't there always a but!! I still haven't been able to shake the massive feeling of loss and hopelessness that has shadowed me these past years... I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of a void trying not to slip in, when the sun shines the shadows hide the void but you know it's there waiting!! When the clouds cover the sun the void opens up almost all consuming!!!
So I have decided I need help to move forward and I've started councilling with Cruse, for the sake of everyone around me I need to let go of the past!!! Wish me luck x