resurrection of the blog

 So I have decided to resurrect the blog, I really wish to write more and express the battles I'm having with my brain but finding the publicicity of FaceBook a little overwhelming and I really do not wish to drive my friends away with my constant negative posts.. god knows I complain about the negativity on FB enough!!

Here I can express myself with very few people reading.. for those 1 or 2 that find me buckle up and enjoy the ride.. it will possibly be dark and disturbing ... X

Dropping the ball!!

So today I dropped the ball big time, I was in the kitchen talking to Claire whilst I prepared Poppy and her lunches when it hit like a hurricane! Uncontrollable tears, I couldn’t speak!! Where it came from I do not know but come it did!! I hid myself over by the sink until it had subsided as I really do not wish Poppy to witness this too often, bless her she worries enough about things as it is! ( over thinker like me sadly!) It was gone as quick as it came but has left me with that awful feeling of bleakness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. One of the factors I’m guessing that is contributing to my current mood is the fact that in the last just over 4 years I’ve lost 4 of the most important beings in my life! Mum Xmas 2018, Dad Jan 2020, Grizz May 2021 and Harvey June 2022, nope I don’t handle loss very well since Hayley!

So far the time spent with Poppy walking to school has been the only brightness today, even the weather has turned gloomy now!

So I’m currently sitting on the sofa with Hunter, tears not far away trying my hardest to be positive. Working it out I’ve been dealing with depression from one side of the fence or the other for around 38 years now and I’m so tired of it! It’s time it left me alone!!

Work today? I’m really not sure tbh, I have a cancer review with my doctor tomorrow that is playing on my mind plus I’d like some answers about the current pain in my hand!! Man all I feel like I’ve done recently is complain and I hate myself for that, where o where has the good Shaun gone 😢

endless circle!!

So here I sit again.. another Monday and another crashing low.. I'm trying so hard to keep it all level and happy for Claire and Poppy's sake but jeeez its the lowest I have felt since the early day's of 2013 just after I lost Hayley..
The crazy thing is that my life couldn't possibly get much better than it is at the moment.. I am the most financially secure I have ever been in my life.. my Panther motorcycle sits on the bench almost ready for the road and my "new" Ford sedan family wagon is close to coming home!! (though I have/am having sleepless nights worrying about all the time my mates have put into this and the space I have been taking with it..) I'm in the best shape physically I have been for many a year and I have my hound, Claire and the wonderful Poppy to share it all with...
I know I have lost both my mum and dad in the past year, it didn't help with dad being ill and passing on the 7th anniversary of Hayley going.. that was a hard one to deal with and then the loss of my good mate and work colleague Pat only just after he had helped me through my first week back at work after losing dad... but M&D both had long lives, hadn't really suffered long term illness that kept them bed ridden or hospitalised.. I was very fortunate to have had them in my life for as long as I did.. not everyone gets that chance..
I'm really not sure where I'm going with this but its been bombing around my head so much of late I really needed to get it out... I still think a lot has to do with the way we were cheated with Hayley going just as she had taken control of her life for the first time in over 20 years, I had seen the reemergence of the old Hayley for the first time in years.. the persona that everyone loved was back 24/7 rather than just in public.. she was so strong for fighting depression for as long as she did.. it almost crushed us time and time again but neither of us would give in!! I still miss her and have a list of things I want to tell her and her mum as long as my arm..
I have finally come to terms with her passing and I'm at peace with that, but I still can't get past the anger I feel for the depression that stole so much time from us!! I'm not sure I will ever get past that despite trying as hard as I do, but negativity will solve nothing so I am trying my hardest to really let go of what "has been" and not let it ruin what is to come....
Poppy and Claire bring so much light into my life I feel so blessed, I just hope my mental battle with the past is won before it taints what I have now...….

Sadness

So it continues, the circle of life!! On Jan 6th the 7th anniversary of losing Hayley I lost my dad!! Yes he was 93 and starting to get a bit doddery but the speed he went has shocked me.... and on the anniversary as well which I am finding very difficult to deal with!! The “what’s the point” lethargy is back very very strongly and I’m finding it very hard to do even the simplest of things... I know it will pass but for the moment it makes life a very hard place to be a part of, if it wasn’t for the hound, Claire and Poppy I don’t think I have the mental strength to continue.. I’ve struggled with depression both my own and Hayley’s for too much of the last 35 or so years... please give me a break!!!

So here I sit, May 15th 2019... my mums birthday but sadly we lost her Xmas eve 2018... so this is the first one without her... god I miss her, after losing Hayley in 2013 I have found I’ve struggled with  death, I can’t get past the “ I’m never going to see them again” and the biggest problem I’m having at the moment is getting my head around personal possessions!! Things that mean the world to you mean diddly squat to others and that makes the owning of things somehow seem pointless!! I look at stuff I cherish and I know when I’m gone it will just be more junk for those left behind to deal with as the personal attachment is mine and not theirs!! God today has been a hard one and if I had the balls I could easily have flicked the off switch... depression!! I hate depression for what it did to Hayley, I hate depression for what it stole from me and I hate depression for how it makes me feel now!! I have everything to live for and today was or at least should have been a good day with the sunshine and out in the Hotrod but somehow the shadows have been almost all consuming!!! 6 years on from Hayley’s passing and despite all the positive things in my life the dark lord and his black dog keep snapping at my heels..... maybe this is my path now, I hope not as I’m not sure I’m strong enough to shoulder that any more??
I did nearly a whole year with Cruse for bereavement counselling and yes it did help but maybe I just think to much or even expect too much from life but I feel sometimes that I’m never going to be fully happy?? I love my partner and I can’t express how much I love my daughter but why do I despise myself so much? What have I done wrong? Oh well time to sleep tomorrow is another day, let’s hope it’s positive xx

Time marches on!!!!

Well it's now over 4.5 years since my life changed forever! Life has been very good to me and now  I have a loving partner and a gorgeous little girl Poppy.
 But and isn't there always a but!! I still haven't been able to shake the massive feeling of loss and hopelessness that has shadowed me these past years... I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of a void trying not to slip in, when the sun shines the shadows hide the void but you know it's there waiting!! When the clouds cover the sun the void opens up almost all consuming!!!
So I have decided I need help to move forward and I've started councilling with Cruse, for the sake of everyone around me I need to let go of the past!!! Wish me luck x

Two years down..... A letter to Hayley

Christ I sit here 2 years to the day I sat and watched you leave me... that pain as you breathed your last is still with me..... 2 years just does not seem possible....
Well I'm about to embark on the next chapter of my life, March the 12th is the due date of a mini me.. not sure of the sex yet but as long as "Bean” is healthy I don't really mind. I'm sitting here contemplating this event with excitement as well a nerves... but it still saddens me that you had to go to make this possible. Maybe I think to much, wish I could turn my mind off and just plod on like an automaton sometimes..... They say all things happen for a reason! well if you had to go so this baby could be born that does seem like a hell of a price to pay.... Claire is superb, she is looking after me well and I do have to say I am happy again, but that happiness does not take away the sadness I still feel losing you... god I have never felt so confused in my life, I still feel guilty that I am smiling and enjoying life again when you can't but as Lizzie has constantly reminded me I have the choice to waste my life or try and do great things.. you do not have that choice... and it is true it would be a crime to waste the time I have left... but it is hard..so so hard at times to find the drive to do anything... I keep getting the feeling "what's the point" but the point is I can and should make the most of my life.... I will try missus to make you proud.....
I know Sam, Denise and Maxine miss you greatly, you were a good friend to them, I'm not sure you ever realised just how much you did mean to them. Sam seem's to have accepted my relationship with Claire which I am so pleased about as the Speakmans mean so much to me but I'm sad to say I think Maxine disproves of where I am now, I believe she feels I am moving too fast? How fast is too fast? how long do you wait?  I wasn't looking when I met Claire, I was forging a new life as a single bloke with a Hound, I had plans of travelling to France just me and the mutt.... I can honestly say if Claire had not made that first move I would still be single today, I'm glad she did as she has helped me smile again far quicker than I would have on my own..... Maybe we have moved too fast on this? god only knows that one.... but one thing I have learned from this experience is that there is never "the right time" for anything... you can plan years in advance and it still goes tit's up or you can just pull up anchors and go with the flow and see where the current takes you... we tried the planning thing and see where that got us eh!!!! "maybe next year we will move to France" well that "next year" will now never come for us... so sod everything I'm going with the flow.. positive thoughts and some luck will see me finish the journey hopefully intact and happy.... if not, well what will be will be....
I feel I have aged since you went, I now have aches and pains that affect my daily life, some of them make life difficult.. maybe it is all down to state of mind, the pain is now far greater the lower my spirit is? anyway onwards we must trek....... XXXXXX <3