Nearly Pendine time, been building up to this for ages, shame I just can't get the enthusiasm up for it like I should be.. I dearly want to go but not for the reason's I am....  we are talking 6 months now since I lost Hayley and I still cry buckets on a daily basis, this last week or so has really knocked back again, not sure why? I have so many positive things going for me but I just can't justify anything at the moment.
I did have a nasty scare when I found out a really good mate had been rushed in for heart surgery after suffering 2 heart attacks, thankfully he is back ragging me on the computer so he must be feeling better. I had hoped to be feeling just numb now, not this real rawness and sadness that just swamp's me and reduces me to a wreck.. I am and I think I will be for quite some time a Mess!!!

another day passes, still not really feeling much better... I can at least go out and "enjoy" myself a little now but the payback I get when I come home is almost not worth the effort!!! had a cracking weekend away with a good mate, old motorcycles followed by a BBQ in a field with mucho beer and a blast around the field in a mates hotrod, but FUCK!!! was it worth the pain and guilt I now feel? I miss Hayley so much it hurt's.. I don't seem to be really making any progress at all, I'm just treading water until............. guess maybe this is what my future entails? who know's..
God I miss you XXXXXX

Dear Hayley.
I'm missing you more as each day passes, the list of stuff I want to tell you is growing to an enormous length. I am having better day's but these are followed by some of the most horrendous lows I have ever experienced. I find myself enjoying myself and then bam the realisation that you have gone hit's me so hard in the gut it is physical!! I find I'm longing for the time when thinking of you doesn't make me cry and then the thought of not missing you also tears me apart inside.. I hate the way you were here large as life one minute only to be gone so suddenly the next.
I have Harvey boy as company which is superb but even walking him and seeing all the beauty around me is hard to take.. I thought with the coming of the warm weather I would feel better but I find myself wishing for rain quite a bit of the time so that everything doesn't look so wonderful... You would be so proud of your sister Charlotte and Malcom, they were absolutely amazing during the time you were taken from me, even though Malcom has his own shit to deal with he was constantly on the phone checking up on me....
How I'm going to cope in the coming month's i do not know.. I struggle with work, not the job just being somewhere amongst people, but I know it is doing me good and far better than being on my own which I would happily do...
I do hope that there is an after life and you are somewhere pleasant and happy amongst family and old pet's.. the thought that I will see you again one day fills me with hope..
I love you missus, the hole you have left in my life is so so massive I can hardly begin to contemplate how I'm ever going to feel "whole" again.....
Till we meet again, Love you loads your crushed and almost defeated husband Shaun
XXXXXXXXXXXXX

sitting here in floods, I can feel anger and resentment building in me... why you?? why now when things were starting to turn for us.. I know anger and resentment will not help but i can't control my emotions anymore than I could control your destiny...
I MISS YOU SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!

the view from the climb is amazing.. sadly when you drop it seems the higher you got the harder the landing!!! I have had a good few day's, work is finally starting to feel OK and being back in a routine isn't so bad... still cry like a baby on a daily basis, still miss Hayley's silly voices and mad comments, miss having to explain the plot of a tv mystery in fact I just miss her full stop...
I'm well into the 3rd book of my life now.. one that I hadn't planned starting for years, if ever.. book one was my life from 0-21, book 2 was the Hayley Years and book 3 is from now on.... I never thought I would out live the missus, in fact Hayley used to worry about me going first.. i've probably mentioned that before and prob will again as my memory isn't much cop with real life stuff....
Walking young Harvey in the fields back of my house today and that feeling of mega loneliness just swamped me .. I know I have the support of my family, my friends and the wonderful company of Harvey etc but the hole that Hayley has left in my life is so so big that at times it feels like it will swallow me whole!!!
I know how large my presence was in Hayley's life, she told me often enough but I wonder if Hayley ever realised just how huge she was in mine? did I tell her enough? I damn well hope so... I also hope she knew I was by her bedside in those last few day's, sitting by her side as she breathed her last few breath's.. holding her hand and telling her how much I loved her and not to be so damn selfish and leave me on my own!!! the world is a shit place and I need her with me, she was my rock, my backbone, it was Hayley who gave me the confidence to try!!!! without you missus I am nothing... I will live on and try to make something of myself, though what I do not know... so far just getting through each day is enough...
Still miss you today as much as I did on the day I lost you, if anything I think I miss you more the longer we are apart...
I'm not sure writing this is working anymore? I seem to cry buckets when I'm writing, but I guess it is better let it out, both the words and the tears than to hold it all back.....

started back to work today.. harder than I imagined it would be... it wasn't going back to the office that was the problem it was the "normality" of it all, it was nice to see the folks and they have been very good to me these last few month's.. it's just that the normal everyday things are the hardest to get used to doing again.. had a massive crash of spirit after I picked Harvey up from my folks house and started the fight through the traffic to get home... tears flowed like rain.. thank god I have my little fella to keep me company.. going home to an empty house would have been a mess!!!  still 1 step forward's... I'm making progress just bloody slow..

Back to work today and I'm scared shitless!!! I can handle all the irregular stuff I'm doing at the moment but real life is still a massive massive struggle.. shopping is hard buying just for one and seeing all those couples happily going about their business... never thought I would ever be envious of good old domestic bliss... had thought of myself as a little off the wall and different.. seems all I really want is the same as everyone else... no that isn't true, I don't want normal domestic bliss i just want my crazy, complicated, confused and sometimes hard work missus back....
I walked harvey yesterday and ended up in a Bluebell wood, jeez that was the trigger.. spent the rest of the day in fit's of tears.. this stage of the recovery isn't going very well.. I have had a few weeks of respite but now I'm back at the crying for hardly any reason stage.... I guess this is going to go on for ages...
I'm sitting here on the computer with the study window open and all I can hear in my head is Hayley outside chatting to the rabbit's, god I miss you so much...I am trying to be strong, I am back working on my old shit and making progress... just finding it hard to see the point.....