round and round and round we go..... can't seem to keep it together for more than a couple of day's at a time... work want me back, I want to go back but i freak at the idea of having to see all those people and try and put a brave face on... got myself a huge problem, going away for the weekend for a bit of breathing space ws good, just what I needed but the idea of coming home fills me with dread, it's not about being at home that I can cope with, its the idea of returning to my life as a single chap which fills me with fear..

Funnily we had talked about this in the past, what happens if one of us goes first.. Hayley said that I would cope better on my own than she would, not so sure of that now!!!! trying to act like the mature adult I'm meant to be!! sadly i still feel like that awkward teenager that I once was, in fact inside still am.... I have a whole world of opportunity before me, things to do, places to see, experiences to try.. things that wouldn't have been possible before.... but know what? they don't mean shit, what is the point of experiences without that special someone to experience them with, or to have at home to go back to with tall tales and far too many photo's..

I keep finding things to keep my mind occupied , hands busy and then comes night time.. close my eyes and the demons appear.. I'm waiting for the day those demon's become angels and my thoughts and memories bring a smile instead of a tear... really don't feel I have made much progress in these last few weeks..

Hayley you were my world, adjusting to life without you is hard, far harder then we ever could have imagined.. you will always be in my heart.. I'm still unsure as to why it happened, why you? I feel no anger as yet just massive disappointment.. worse thing is knowing I can never speak to or hear you again, I can't even convince myself there is a spirit world so we can meet again that way... I just feel so so lost at the moment...

outside I'm smiling, inside I'm dying.... need to get away for a couple of day's so heading off in the Zody... destination Sumoland... nothing at the moment is a match for the pain.sorrow and loss I'm feeling...
I'm trying my best Hayley, really I am XXXXXXXX

Had my first counseling session today via work, shit it was hard!!! think I spent the whole hour in tears.. being back at work doesn't really help even though I was only there briefly... it did help talking to an outsider so with this and my forthcoming bereavement sessions via the NHS I'm hoping to get back on a suitable path towards the future...
Hayley wasn't my whole world though it sure feels like it at the moment.., I did and do have other interest's which we didn't share but Hayley was the icing on my cake, the air in my tires, the fuel for my motor, she was the safe haven if I overstretched myself trying something new.. she gave me the confidence to try..... she was always there quietly in the background pushing me forward.. god I miss you XXXX


 I've found I have developed a morbid fascination for a sky program about a medical examiner who works in the morgue in Orlando Florida and searches to find the cause of sudden death victims, in a strange twisted way it gives me comfort and solace to learn about other people being taken too young...

feeling a little better today for that first session, hopefully it will progress and I will be back functioning as normally as I will be able...

Hey ho forward we go!!! or not as the case may be.. sodding weather is buggering up all my plans.. I need warmth and sunshine.... god that hole that losing someone leaves in you is massive, each day i hope the empty feeling will fade just a tadge, the ache will ease just a little... I don't want the feelings to go away completely, I'm not ready for that yet but just enough for me to function on a daily basis, to be able to spend time in the workshop without everything that reminds me of Hayley reducing me to tears....
Knowing i will never hear that laugh, hear those stupid sayings she was always coming out with.. hear her happily chatting to the cat or the rabbit's is painful.. I spent a good day out with a mate on Sunday, we ventured to a swap meet in Essex, the day was superb but the returning home and not being able to show the missus what tat I had purchased took the edge off somewhat...
It's now over 2 months since my world was blown apart, time is only very slowly making progress in easing the pain, i go 2 or 3 day's without a blip then bang!!!!! something silly triggers a massive relapse.. god I miss Hayley's kindness and thoughfulness daily.. life is proving a major struggle but I will survive, I have to as I have made so many promises to so many people... even though i just want to curl up and sleep....
Fuck this is hard.. love you missus XXXXXXXXX

Dear hayley

I know you can't read this and it really is a pointless exercise but I have a few things I need to say to you. shit my mind has gone completely blank!! I lay in bed or rather on the sofa this morning with a list in my head of things I needed to ask and say to you and can I recall them now!!! buggered if I can.....

well I guess I should have expected it, the storm after a couple of day's calm, had 2 reasonable day's working in the barn, I think I have found my route out of this place I have been dropped into.. it's banging and grinding on my Pop in the barn, very few people around so not overwhelmed but enough of a presence to stop the lonely feeling getting too much of a hold and the surroundings are neutral.. had a real blip mid way through yesterday when the thought entered my head I will never ever receive a call or text from Hayley during a quiet spell at her shop, the loneliness that descended then was almost too much to bear.. I hit a real low for awhile..
Today was never going to be a good day as I had to meet with a solicitor over some problems with Hayley's estate!!! plus I had to pick up the ashes today as well.. walking to my meeting up Tonbridge high street made me painfully aware of just how alone I am now.. sure I have amazing friends and family whose support has been endless and superb but that one special person with whom I chose to spend my life with will never ever be beside me again and christ that makes me sad...
I don't think I have ever or could ever be as low and destroyed as I feel today... thank god for my passion for rust and my 2 little furry rabbit chum's.. without these things I could easily just curl into a ball and fade away.. I won't because A, the rabbits need me and that is a very powerful feeling when you are reluctant to move in the mornings and B, I have made promises to people and Foal Farm that I am going to run at Pendine on the Saltster in Hayley's memory, and if there is one person I will not let down, and I didn't let her down in life so I am not going to start now!!! that's Hayley, this is being done in her memory and my god I am going to try and make it as memorable an occasion as I possibly can...
The pain lessens slightly but only to be replaced with the worse feeling of loss and emptiness....
still loving you missus XXXXXXXXX

Well i can say with great certainty that I hate the world today!!! had a good morning at home, watching the rabbits running free in the garden. Headed off around 12 to go and work on my Pop, met my good mate Nervous Mick at the barn and he had another good mate Rob from work with him.. after a couple cups of coffee they departed and I started work on my truck, mainly working out where the engine and gearbox mounts will go.. quite a successful day except for forgetting to take my drill with me.. had to fight off the tears a couple of times as I found little things that Hayley had thoughtfully got me in the past..... mick returned to the Barn and he finished off the painting of the floor of our new bike storage area.. we both left around 6ish for the journey back home.. now sitting in floods of tears as I haven't got my mate to talk to...
Yup life is shit!!! period....
I am getting longer periods of clarity and calm, but when the gates open boy do they open and if I'm driving I have to pull over... I miss Hayley more today than I have ever before, I got a text whilst up the barn which made my heart stop for a second.. I know this will ease, I know i will survive but just at this moment in time I couldn't care less, all I want is to sit and talk the evening away as we did on oh so many occasions..
Hayley if you can hear me, I love you and I'm missing you more and more as each day passes..
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX