wow, nearly a month since I last posted, and straight after another event!! coincidence ?? had a blast of a weekend away at the hayride, one of the best social event's ever again this year.. meeting old and making new friends is good for the soul.. being home and not being able to share the rush,news etc is just not so god, it's so bloody hard... seems i can live in the past far easier than in the present.. give me somewhere full of old bikes and car's and I'm happy.. drop me back into the drudge of work/home/sleep/work/home and I struggle bigtime. Find the effort to go through it all day in, day out is a struggle.. it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.. flying solo is NOT the life I would have chosen and not a life I'm enjoying.. but it isn't that I miss female company just the company of one female... weird shit going on in my head, too young to be single but too old to want to get involved in any sort of relationship... maybe that is just my feelings now? who knows but one thing I do know I miss Hayley more today than I did 4 months ago, the pain is as great now if not greater.. just the lull's between storms are getting longer, but when they hit they hit with a punch.....

Well pendine has been and gone, a complete success it was too... I will write a full report one day when my mind is in the correct place...
Today is another bad day, a visit to the vet's for one of the rabbit's annual injections and it opens up that can of worm's that is being alone is.... God I miss my mate so so fucking much, no one told me that letting go would be this hard. We are now into July and still no let up of the emotions.. I'm starting to feel drained now, I think I may need more help as I can't seem to push through this block!!!!
I don't think that losing a partner is ever easy but at 49 I feel far to young to be going through this and the anger and resentment I feel towards some individuals who just slither through life sucking up every free thing they can, why are you still breathing and Hayley isn't..... she didn't deserve to go so soon, her life was on the up... I just can't shake that sad feeling that is isn't fair.. all irrational thoughts but one's that are firm in the front of my mind....